Born and Broken Every Single Time.

I woke up the next morning with a groan to my alarm clock ringing strangely loudly, or maybe I just thought that. It was my usual routine: drag myself up, get showered, get dressed, get food, get out. I slung my bag over my shoulder and put my hood up before grabbing a slice of toast to eat on my walk. I shouted a goodbye up to my parents who grumbled back to let me know they had heard. The walk was, as always, uneventful but for the first time in ages I was boiling as I walked, but I kept my hoodie on; I never walked without my hoodie on.

I got to school slightly later than usual, finding Mikey leaning against the wall and concentrating on his phone. He pouted as I nudged him to let him know I was there, albeit a few minutes late. He mockingly gave me a lecture on time keeping before walking in the gates with me. He explained that he was going to register then head into town and I was welcome to join him. I said no because the last thing I needed was the school finding another reason to phone home like they had done in the past, but still questioned as to why he was going.

He explained how seeing as it was ‘the day after tomorrow’ that his brother left, he was spending as much time with him as possible. When I heard him say that, I was glad I had denied his request to join him because to know that they were hanging out together finally was more important than me spending time with them. On the way to class he told me about the day before; how they’d headed into town and just hung around and got some coffees. They headed to the comic store and Mikey paid for a number of Gerard’s comics as a goodbye gift.

The idea of the pair in a comic store amused me. I knew Mikey liked his comics, but it was never extreme so he felt fairly threatened, if not intimidated by his brother’s obsessive knowledge into them. Marvel was Mikey’s favourite lot, Gerard always mocked him for being so typical of comic readers. I remember witnessing Mikey’s face in response to that. Gerard could have slapped him and got the same response.

We passed his class first, meaning he gave me a quick goodbye hug as he walked in to register then leave. I headed to my class, finding it as dull and repetitive as always. The school day passed once again with little hitch. It was drawing closer to exams so they just let us do what we want to study, which was just general procrastination from the task.

I had texted Mikey a few times throughout my classes, but when he didn’t reply to one of them I figured I’d just stop and let him have his day with his brother. I walked home to another uneventful evening. I once again had to resort to television to hopefully save me from my spiralling boredom and at times it could be considered successful, other times not so much. The only time I left my room that night was for dinner and after that I was back to my room, caught up in my own distractions.

The next day followed the same suit. Mikey registered then left, leaving me to my own devices for the day. I flicked open my jotter in every class, finding a blank page just to doodle on. I say doodle, I usually just wrote lyrics or band members names. When the inevitable action of me randomly scrawling a Guns ‘n’ Roses lyric cropped up, my mind started to wander.

I remembered back to the night I had with Mikey and Gerard. When we were taking all those random photos just for the sole purpose of that photo frame. I smirked to myself as I questioned whether he’d listened to the Armageddon soundtrack, gaining a curious look from my teacher. I turned my attention back to my scrawls, thinking over the past few months again.

It seemed that although this was Gerard’s new start, so him looking back was natural, it was a new start for everyone else too. I found myself continuously casting my mind back over any memory we shared, or little random things that spring to mind.

Like the time I was at theirs during the powercut. We were just there in the hall, in the pure darkness. I remembered just that brief moment before he kissed me, wondering if he was actually going to do it. Then when Mikey came back upstairs and couldn’t find his way through the darkness into his room. It seemed that with every good memory to flood to mind, there was a bad.

I thought back to the phonecall when he told me about Eva. I couldn’t begrudge him a life, it’s not like anything was going on. I just remember feeling my heart rip out as he spoke about her, but I remember so clearly in my mind how sombre his voice sounded, almost as if he knew how I was feeling. Maybe he did, he always knew.

Every good had a bad, every bad had a good. The party Gerard took me and Mikey too followed on immediately from the phonecall. I remember watching Eva all over him and taking the one opportunity I had to be with him that night. I remember the next morning when I had a small heart to heart with her that she used to her advantage, and I remember when Gerard told her that the fact I wasn’t happy was what got to him. I just remember so fucking much.

But I didn’t remember any of this before. I didn’t need to remember it, because it was all still going on. Now, as it was, was ending. I couldn’t keep creating things to look back on him because as of tomorrow, fucking tomorrow he wouldn’t be here and to cope with that I was forcing myself to look back on everything so it felt like it was all still going on.

Every memory that flooded to mind was done, there was nothing to add to that. Then I searched my mind and found one memory that was not yet complete, that was not yet answered. When we were talking about him getting me a ‘being left behind’ present, sort of a return of the leaving present I was getting him, he told me he “had it covered.” I had heard nothing of it since, I guess I’d find out tomorrow whether he was bluffing or not.