Born and Broken Every Single Time.

I woke up the next morning with the strangest feeling in the world. This was it. It was strangely early, I’d woken up before my alarm had even rung. I think subconsciously it must have been eating away at me just as much as it was in every other way. The countdown wasn’t days anymore; it was hours, minutes seconds.

I looked at my phone to note it was 6.43 and groaned as the realisation of how early it was hit me. I was never a morning person, ever, so school days were never my forte. I wasn’t going in to school today, neither was Mikey. We’d both decided that and cleared it up with our parents and they understood, in fact they encouraged the idea. I tossed and turned few times as I tried to get back to sleep but I just couldn’t. It was like on Christmas day when you woke up early but knew it was too early to wake up your parents and open your presents, you’d just sit up awake until you knew it was a suitable time. Although it didn’t feel like this was going to be as pleasant as opening presents on Christmas day, I knew beyond all doubt that I couldn’t cling to the hope of falling back asleep.

I decided I’d take this opportunity of extra time to get ready. Most mornings I just throw my clothes on and leave almost immediately, but now time had presented itself I figured I might as well, more to pass the time. I had a shower and washed my hair. I even took the time to iron my clothes which I never, ever do. By the time I was ready by my new time taking routine, it was 7.57 according to my phone. I nipped downstairs and made some toast, smiling as my mum walked into the kitchen. At least I finally had some company to pass the time before I left.

“You’re really going to miss him, aren’t you?” she began, taking me slightly by surprise. I hadn’t really spoken to my parents much about Gerard but I always thought my mum was more noticing of the situation. I think she saw it that day when I was picking up stuff and she turned up drunk, how Gerard was so protective over me. I think then, she just knew.

“Yeah,” I mumbled. “But it’s not like I’ll never see him again, you know?”

“Of course not,” she smiled. She didn’t say anything else as she made coffee for both her and my father. She simply ruffled my hair before she picked up the two cups and walked out of the kitchen. The only thing she said was in barely a whisper as she passed me on her exit: ”Be happy son.”

I smiled as I watched her turn to walk up the stairs and decided it was time to go. I finished my toast and walked into the living room to pick my hoodie up and throw it on. I shouted up to my parents to tell them I was heading out, hearing a mumbled reply form them just to let me know they had heard. I headed out the door, throwing my hood up as usual and digging my hands into my pockets. It was strange to think that this was it. I was walking to Mikey’s to say goodbye. This wasn’t the ‘goodbye before the real one’ this was the real one, the final one.

When I turned onto their street I was immediately drawn to the fact there were a few cars parked outside their house. One of them I immediately recognised to be his uncles car, the one his dad would be driving him in. The van with the remainder of his stuff was there. I’m sure his uncle was going to be driving that one. The other cars I hadn’t seen before, so I didn’t try work it out.

I walked down their drive to find the door was left sitting open so I just walked in. I heard noise coming from the living room so peeked in there to find everyone sitting around. Mikey and his dad had the two recliners and I looked around to see a few of Gerard’s friends sitting on the sofa, I presumed the other cars to be theirs, there was only three of them on the sofa. Then I glanced over to Gerard who was sat on the floor with Eva. It was all just innocent chat from what I saw. She wasn’t all over him like the party, in fact she didn’t seem flirtatious at all. Having said that, I couldn’t help but stare a little in jealousy.

“Frank!” Mrs. Way exclaimed from behind me, squeezing past to hand her husband a cup of coffee. “Just in time! Give him it!”

She turned to her husband as she spoke, everyone else in the room looking at him in a curious nature. He took the chain off around his neck before standing up. I think we all saw where it was going. Gerard stood up as his dad approached him, smiling broadly as his dad placed the chain in Gerard’s hand and curled his fingers up over it so he held it tight in his hand.

“Look after it son,” he said faintly before pulling him into a tight hug. Mikey stood up and walked over next to me before taking a moment to look at his brother whose eyes looked slightly teary. I knew he’d kill this moment mentally; he said he didn’t want to cry. When conversation struck back up, Gerard put the chain on, with the help of Eva and Mikey turned his attention back to me.

“It was my Granddads,” Mikey explained. “He gave it to my dad when he was in hospital and then when he died my dad said he’d never take it off. We all knew he’d pass it down to keep it in the family. I always knew Gerard would get it, I don’t mind though, I’d probably have lost it or something.”

I smiled as Mikey giggled at his self-mocking. I could understand where he was coming from, if he could lose it he would and from the few simple words he said, I knew it meant the world to their family.

The next hour was spent with general chat. I was with Mikey for the most part seeing as everyone seemed desperate to grab a word with Gerard. We both decided to leave it until the ‘goodbyes’ if we had to, at least we wouldn’t be fighting to talk to him. When I hear Mrs. Way say that he’d better start getting ready, I actually felt my heart drop like a brick. Any laughter that surrounded the room died in everyone’s throats as an awkward air filled the room over the pending goodbye.

“Right,” Gerard smiled. “I, uh, Mikey can I talk to you in the kitchen, yeah?”

Mikey nodded a response to his brother before walking into the kitchen. I moved out the way to let Gerard past before walking into the living room and sitting on the recliner Mikey had previously frequented. I just watched as everyone spoke among themselves, being snapped from my semi-daze as Eva sat on the armrest beside me.

“Hey,” she began nervously.

“Hi,” I replied, forcing a smile. I didn’t hate her, don’t get me wrong, I hated what she did. I was never a fan of someone who used something said in private conversation for their gain, but then again I should be thankful for what he idiocy caused.

“I just thought I’d try clear the air, seeing as Gerard’s leaving,” she continued quietly. “I was a bitch, a real bitch. You know I’m sorry, yeah?”

“It’s forgotten,” I smiled, forcing a smile on her face from my concession. Like I’d always said, this was a new start for him, it might as be a clean slate for everything. She sat silently for a moment, I knew she was thinking about something, probably Gerard.

“I’ll leave you be,” she smiled. “You don’t know how lucky you are Frank.” She ruffled my hair as she stood up, which seemed a common thing to do today, before returning to her friends. I just sat reflecting silently over my thoughts for a few moments before Mikey returned to the room, telling Eva and Gerard’s other friends he wanted a moment with them. When Mikey sat in the recliner next to me I saw his eyes were bloodshot; I dreaded to think what my goodbye would be like. He didn’t say anything at first but I didn’t push him. There was a temptation to ask what had been said in there but I didn’t want to pry. Their goodbye was a moment that this whole day would be remembered by for them, just something between the two of them. I didn’t want to intrude on that, I wanted them to keep their moment.

We all heard some laughter from the kitchen, making me presume their goodbye wasn’t quite as emotional as Mikey’s. I watched Mikey smirk to himself before he finally looked up at me, showing some acknowledgement of me actually being here. “You know you’re goodbye is going to fuck you up.”

“Thanks for the reassurance,” I smirked.

We returned to our silences as everyone else’s noise echoed around us. I don’t think Mikey was up for talking, I wouldn’t be surprised if he had the goodbye he just had with his brother resounding his mind. I, on the other hand, didn’t have the goodbye to look back on; I was still waiting for mine and after seeing the state of Mikey, I was terrified.

My thoughts were interrupted as Gerard’s friends left the kitchen and headed down the hall. Mrs. Way piped up that it was time for us all to head outside and wave her son off and as I followed everyone out of the living room, shocked to say the least, I felt numb. I wasn’t getting a fucking goodbye.

As I walked down the hall I felt a tug on my arm as Gerard dragged me into the kitchen and closed the door behind us. I couldn’t even try control the grin that spread across my face. I was getting my goodbye.

“I wanted them out of the house for this,” he grinned. “Saving the best till last. Frank, what the fuck can I even say to you?”

“Don’t say anything,” I muttered as I moved closer to him. He cupped my face in his hands as he stared thoughtfully at me. I could see the tear stains in his cheeks, how bloodshot his eyes were; this day must be killing him. He whispered a ‘thank you’ before pressing his lips to mine and honestly? In that moment I was lost. I didn’t want to pull away from him because I didn’t want him to go. My selfish streak was resurfacing as I felt myself longing to keep him here. If this kiss didn’t end, he wouldn’t go; he couldn’t go. I felt myself pulling him closer to me just to feel him there because soon enough, he wouldn’t be here. I felt Gerard doing the same, maybe he felt the same. Even if he didn’t, he’d know how I was feeling; he was older, wiser and he just always knew.

I felt myself whimper pathetically as he reluctantly tore his lips from mine. It was quiet, so I hoped inside that he didn’t hear me. He rested his forehead against mine and just looked me deep in the eyes. I had no idea what to say in that moment; to be honest I don’t think words could ever suffice in this moment.

“Thank you so fucking much,” he said simply. “Just thank you…”

“Stop saying thank you,” I whispered, noticing him smile in reply. “You changed everything for me.”

“Don’t say anything,” Gerard interrupted. “This is just, I don’t know, I don’t think we need to say anything. I-I guess I better go…”

I nodded in agreement to his statement, not sure what else to do. The countdown that was weeks, days, minutes; it had now turned to seconds. He was walking out of his house and out of his life as he knew it. I followed him outside and walked over to Mikey as Gerard headed to hug his mum goodbye. I guess his dad’s smaller goodbye would come at the other end of the journey.

“Told you it would fuck you up,” Mikey smirked as he watched his brother. I just giggled a response as I wiped my eyes with my sleeve. I wasn’t crying, but if I didn’t wipe my eyes I sure as hell would be. We watched as Gerard embraced his friends tightly, whispering something to each and every one of them as he went. Next he walked over to Mikey and pulled him into a hug. I looked down at the ground so I didn’t feel like I was intruding on their moment. I refused to listen into what he whispered to his brother because just like their goodbye in the kitchen, it was something for them to look back on.

I felt butterflies rise in my stomach as he pulled away from the hug with Mikey and walked over to me. Mikey walked over to join his parents as I wrapped my arms around Gerard. I never felt so safe as I did with him and this moment, I felt safer than any time before. This is what he spoke about, I had to let go and at this time, it wasn’t just mentally, but physically too.

“Look under your poster,” he whispered, causing me to look up at him with a raised eyebrow. He smiled my concerns away. “Trust me.”

And I did. In that moment I trusted him. I had no idea what idiotic thing he had probably done to my walls or the underside of my poster, but right in that moment I didn’t care. I took his word and I trusted him. He gently kissed my forehead before loosening his hold on me and forcing me to do the same in return. He whispered another thank you to me before turning around and walking over to his dad to let him know he was ready to leave.

He didn’t say anything else before getting in the car, he just simply took one last look at his house and everyone standing outside it and smiled. He got in the car and as it drove down the street he didn’t even look back. I guess that would have just made it that little bit harder than it already was. As the car turned the corner and was out of sight I realised: it was over.

Sure, he’d be back, we’d all see each other again and keep in touch, but it was different. All my life I had known him and he’d always been here, but now? Now he was gone and finally forging a path in his own life. Mikey pulled his mother into a hug as she burst into tears. I don’t think it was tears of sorrow, I think it was that joy she told me about, the parental kind. This was her son, and he was growing up finally. He was going to live his own life and for her, the woman who brought him into the world, that must have been the most special feeling to her.

They asked me if I wanted to join them for a little while in the house as a celebration of Gerard’s new start but I reluctantly declined. I saw Mikey smirk at me when I made my excuses to get home and in that smirk I saw that whatever Gerard had done, he knew. I guess this must have been my ‘being left behind’ present. He did have it covered. Of course he did, he was Gerard.

I hugged my goodbyes and as I walked home, I felt my pace quicken without me even making the effort. By the time my house was in sight I was jogging along my street and as soon as my front door was shut behind me I was practically sprinting. I ran straight into my room and dumped my hoodie on the ground before kneeling on my bed and just looking at my poster of Slash.

Part of me didn’t want to look. This leaving gift was the only unfinished memory I had with him and in a way, seeing what lay beneath this would signify the end of this. The end of one thing is the start of another, and in all honesty I wanted to know what he’d done. I had the image of him having drawn some crude picture under my poster just to make me laugh, but I guess there was only one way to find out…

I pulled the bottom two corners of my poster off the wall and lifted it up so I could see underneath it and I froze.

Under the scripted lyrics he had left for me that day was a plectrum. That orange plectrum he’d given me when I stayed at theirs and given back to him after our argument. I couldn’t believe he kept it. He had done more than keep it. He’d engraved it: gw+fi. It was simple in the centre of the plectrum and I couldn’t control the grin that spread across my face. That day with the compass, it was for this. He was such a weirdo, but the most amazing weirdo I’ve ever known.

Underneath the plectrum was another thing he’d scripted. Thank you and a scrawled love heart underneath it. I smiled to myself as I put the poster back down. I wasn’t going to take the plectrum off the wall, it was too perfect. Suddenly I didn’t feel so bad about him leaving; I just took the moment to look at the poster of Slash.

“These lyrics are like your past,” he began calmly. “This poster is the beginning of everything getting good, it’s covering everything bad that’s ever happened to you. This is your new start Frank, this is a new start for both of us.”