Born and Broken Every Single Time.
Sorry.
”I’m not talking to him,” I repeated to my mother. Blood is thicker than water; I should forgive my dad – anything along those lines. She sympathised with me that things had gone too far, but stood by the fact I had to stop my ‘antics’.
“Please son, he’s really sorry,” she pleaded. I didn’t want to get angry with her or fight, but she didn’t get it. I didn’t want to be in his presence ever again as far as I was concerned and until she could understand that I wasn’t a liar, that they were wrong I didn’t want to frequent myself with her. I wouldn’t tell her about my medication though, even if she would continue to refuse that I wasn’t faking it, she would still worry slightly.
”No, I’m just here to get my stuff.”
”Stuff? Why? Where are you going?”
“I’m staying at Mikeys for a while. I’m not staying under the same roof as him or in this.” I looked around my room as I spoke. There had been no attempt to sort it. Broken objects and torn posters remained sprawling the floor. The occasional splatter of blood added an extra touch of decoration. I think my mother hoped I’d turned up to get ready then go to school, I hadn’t. I was here to get my things, go back to his and have another day to myself. Mikey had spoken to his parents, making sure it was okay. They said I shouldn’t go back till at least Monday – a black eye was not something they’d recommend going to school in the possession of.
I didn’t let myself get into any further conversation, knowing she had the power to persuade me to stay. I packed a small case with as much as I could cram in and scurried down the stairs muttering yet another apology to her. My dad walked to the bottom of the stairs and said nothing as I walked by him heading for the door. I felt my stomach lurch as I left. The sight of him threw me back to a few nights ago, threw me back to that moment. The fear that I was absorbed in, the pain that he inflicted – the feeling of knowing so much you’d built up for so long was destroyed. It was heartbreaking.
The mood of my walk lowered as my pace quickened. I longed to get back to Mikeys and just sleep, or be alone to get these thoughts from my mind. The image of a few nights ago was haunting my mind and I had to get it out somehow, even just for a few minutes.
As I reached the drive of the Ways home I broke into a mini sprint to the door, shutting it carefully behind me and scurrying up the stairs to dump my bag. Mikey was applying the final touches to his hair styling as I walked in, which couldn’t help but make me laugh slightly. He claimed he wasn’t vain, but the mass amount of products he used daily voiced another opinion.
“Right dude,” he said he wiped the residue of products off his hands. “I’m off, I’ll call you at lunch or something yeah?”
“Ace man,” I muttered as I moved out the way to let him pass.
He shouted his goodbyes from downstairs and I called back, slumping onto his bed and staring blankly at the ceiling. Yesterday I sat here with Gerard, spilling my heart out. Well not exactly spilling, but the closest to it I had been in a while. He’d told me of how he’d known me as he grew up he grew to care for me almost as much as Mikey. I’d always been ‘the friend’ and he’d always heard of what was going on threw Mikey. It was nice to know someone cared.
The thing that got to me most about the situation is my take on the moment he said he cared. I never assumed he meant it in the brotherly sense, or comparing it to Mikey – I assumed me meant he liked me. Maybe it was how he looked at me; maybe it was how he spoke, I just don’t know. It seems stupid to think that now on afterthought because Gerard was well known for his girlfriends, almost infamous. The one thing that got to me though, was that it didn’t bother me. I actually momentarily relished the thought.
I felt myself drawn from my thoughts as Gerard quietly walked in and sat beside me, making me sit up and waiting for him to talk. Unless he planned to sit in silence, which actually amused me now I painted an image of that in my mind.
“Frank,” he began bluntly before stopping. I felt it was going to be a struggle to get a full sentence from him without me talking here.
“Mhmm?” I smiled as he twiddled his fingers nervously.
“I kind of wanted to talk to you about something.” He smiled faintly, only making effort with one side of the smile, I’d call it more a smirk – yes a smirk. My conversation with myself in my mind bemused me. They provided on the spot entertainment for me – what can I say? I’m an idiot.
“And this something would be?” I tried not to be patronising, but I’m sure Gerard would sense the humour streaked in my comment. I found this weird that he didn’t just talk, it seemed unlike him.
“You know last night when we were talking about stuff?”
“Yes…”
“Well you know when I said-“
His sentence was interrupted as his phone went off. His ring tone resounded the room until he answered it, mouthing a sorry to me as he left the room to talk to the caller. I sat perched on the end of the bed, wondering what the second part of that sentence could have held.
“Please son, he’s really sorry,” she pleaded. I didn’t want to get angry with her or fight, but she didn’t get it. I didn’t want to be in his presence ever again as far as I was concerned and until she could understand that I wasn’t a liar, that they were wrong I didn’t want to frequent myself with her. I wouldn’t tell her about my medication though, even if she would continue to refuse that I wasn’t faking it, she would still worry slightly.
”No, I’m just here to get my stuff.”
”Stuff? Why? Where are you going?”
“I’m staying at Mikeys for a while. I’m not staying under the same roof as him or in this.” I looked around my room as I spoke. There had been no attempt to sort it. Broken objects and torn posters remained sprawling the floor. The occasional splatter of blood added an extra touch of decoration. I think my mother hoped I’d turned up to get ready then go to school, I hadn’t. I was here to get my things, go back to his and have another day to myself. Mikey had spoken to his parents, making sure it was okay. They said I shouldn’t go back till at least Monday – a black eye was not something they’d recommend going to school in the possession of.
I didn’t let myself get into any further conversation, knowing she had the power to persuade me to stay. I packed a small case with as much as I could cram in and scurried down the stairs muttering yet another apology to her. My dad walked to the bottom of the stairs and said nothing as I walked by him heading for the door. I felt my stomach lurch as I left. The sight of him threw me back to a few nights ago, threw me back to that moment. The fear that I was absorbed in, the pain that he inflicted – the feeling of knowing so much you’d built up for so long was destroyed. It was heartbreaking.
The mood of my walk lowered as my pace quickened. I longed to get back to Mikeys and just sleep, or be alone to get these thoughts from my mind. The image of a few nights ago was haunting my mind and I had to get it out somehow, even just for a few minutes.
As I reached the drive of the Ways home I broke into a mini sprint to the door, shutting it carefully behind me and scurrying up the stairs to dump my bag. Mikey was applying the final touches to his hair styling as I walked in, which couldn’t help but make me laugh slightly. He claimed he wasn’t vain, but the mass amount of products he used daily voiced another opinion.
“Right dude,” he said he wiped the residue of products off his hands. “I’m off, I’ll call you at lunch or something yeah?”
“Ace man,” I muttered as I moved out the way to let him pass.
He shouted his goodbyes from downstairs and I called back, slumping onto his bed and staring blankly at the ceiling. Yesterday I sat here with Gerard, spilling my heart out. Well not exactly spilling, but the closest to it I had been in a while. He’d told me of how he’d known me as he grew up he grew to care for me almost as much as Mikey. I’d always been ‘the friend’ and he’d always heard of what was going on threw Mikey. It was nice to know someone cared.
The thing that got to me most about the situation is my take on the moment he said he cared. I never assumed he meant it in the brotherly sense, or comparing it to Mikey – I assumed me meant he liked me. Maybe it was how he looked at me; maybe it was how he spoke, I just don’t know. It seems stupid to think that now on afterthought because Gerard was well known for his girlfriends, almost infamous. The one thing that got to me though, was that it didn’t bother me. I actually momentarily relished the thought.
I felt myself drawn from my thoughts as Gerard quietly walked in and sat beside me, making me sit up and waiting for him to talk. Unless he planned to sit in silence, which actually amused me now I painted an image of that in my mind.
“Frank,” he began bluntly before stopping. I felt it was going to be a struggle to get a full sentence from him without me talking here.
“Mhmm?” I smiled as he twiddled his fingers nervously.
“I kind of wanted to talk to you about something.” He smiled faintly, only making effort with one side of the smile, I’d call it more a smirk – yes a smirk. My conversation with myself in my mind bemused me. They provided on the spot entertainment for me – what can I say? I’m an idiot.
“And this something would be?” I tried not to be patronising, but I’m sure Gerard would sense the humour streaked in my comment. I found this weird that he didn’t just talk, it seemed unlike him.
“You know last night when we were talking about stuff?”
“Yes…”
“Well you know when I said-“
His sentence was interrupted as his phone went off. His ring tone resounded the room until he answered it, mouthing a sorry to me as he left the room to talk to the caller. I sat perched on the end of the bed, wondering what the second part of that sentence could have held.