Eclat

“I thought we did that ages ago. . .” Dahlia waved a hand in the air dismissively, the metaphorical hole in my chest widening as she crossed her arms across her chest. “Besides, you made it pretty clear that you didn’t feel the same way.”

I lit a cigarette, leaning against the bus dejectedly. “I just didn’t know what to do, Doli. Ellie really complicated everything and I shut down. Obviously this---” I pointed to her, then myself, “---isn’t a little childish crush. What am I supposed to do about it though? You’re with Carter and I know he makes you happy. I can’t take that away from you; I would never even attempt to do that.”

“What do you want me to do then?” Her eyes began to water and she looked away as I tried to wrap my arms around her. I couldn’t stand there and watch her cry but I took a step back anyway and waited. “It’s too fucking late, Christofer Drew, and you know it.” She’s right and I am aware of it but I can’t help but hold onto a sliver of hope.

“It’s never too late,” I said softly, hoping that she wouldn’t hate me for the next string of words that would leave my mouth. “I guess it’s not our time yet and I’ll have to work on my timing. Because trust me, there are so many things I want to say and do right now. But I can’t. I don’t want to upset the balance here and I’m already doing that.”

Dahlia swiped at her tear-stained cheeks and nodded. “I think that’s the safest and most practical option at the moment.”

“Can you promise me something then?” I smiled hopefully.

“It depends on what the promise is, Chris.”

I held out my pinkie finger. “Promise me that one day we’ll go on a date. But that date won’t ruin our friendship if it doesn’t work out. And if it turns into something more. . .well, even better.”

She hooked her pinkie with mine. “I promise. Now, don’t talk about what happened right now with any of the guys. Please.”

“It’s just between us,” I agreed, opening the door. We walked back inside the bus and parted ways. She went to the bathroom, making up an excuse about allergies, and I went to the back room to get ready for the day.

It was as if that confrontation never happened. There was no tension between us and backstage (as well as offstage) we acted like we used to. Isn’t that what I wanted though? Normalcy in terms of my friendships with Dahlia and Ellie? It was puzzling to me how empty I felt, and I wasn’t sure why that was true. Confrontations were supposed to make you stronger and help you overcome obstacles. Confrontations gave you courage and a chance to speak your mind as well as clear up any misconceptions. But the confrontation I had with Doli only seemed to serve as a reminder, a painful one at that. At one point, she asked me how I felt about Ellie, to which I replied that I didn’t like her in that way. That was the truth and nobody can accuse me of saying otherwise.

During this phase in my life, I began to realize that I needed a change of pace. I was making myself sick with all these overwhelming thoughts and emotions. I was a lost boy amongst a big, bad world that expected me to either grow the fuck up and deal with life or drown in my unhappiness. I felt at war with myself and the internal conflict caused me to smoke a little more, smile a little less, and find refuge in the arms of everyone else besides the one person who could actually fix me. I despised myself for not thinking of talking to her sooner and my anxiety escalated as the holidays approached. We were going Christmas shopping when I almost broke. But I pushed the rush of emotions---annoyance, envy, and disappointment---deep within the recesses of my very being, forcing a halfhearted grin.

“What do you think I should get Carter, Gav? I know that the guys are already getting him another guitar so this gift has to be perfect.” Dahlia sighed, running a hand through her hair exasperatedly as her and Gavin looked around the music store. I pretended not to be eavesdropping on their conversation as I flipped through the store’s vinyl records.

Gavin shrugged, giving her a small smile as she began to pace back and forth. “He’s going to love whatever you get him, babe, don’t even worry about it.” This was precisely the wrong thing to say and even I was aware of it because Dahlia proceeded to sigh again loudly.

She threw her hands up and suddenly said, “I know what to get him. It’s foolproof. I think I will get him---”

It was at this very moment that Carter and the guys walked in, each of them crowding around the instruments and starting to play them. I shook my head and laughed, knowing that this was practically a playground for them to have fun in. The smile that had formed so easily on my lips was ancient history as Carter was drawn to Dahlia, his arm draping over her shoulders as she leaned into him. She fit perfectly there, as if she belonged by his side and nothing could ever separate them. That wasn’t what killed me though. I watched with a sick fascination as he leaned down slightly to kiss her quickly before she started to giggle. Gavin seemed thrilled by this and cracked a smile. But the smile never reached his eyes as I noticed him focus on me for a full minute. We had an unspoken agreement, Gavin and I. Christofer Drew Ingle, you are the biggest fucking idiot on earth for giving up that easily.