Eclat

I had lost Dahlia after turning around for a few minutes; she told me to be on the lookout for Gavin and I was determined to do so. I didn’t want to risk being discovered by him and began to retrace our steps. She wasn’t in the Nonfiction section, nor was she near the magazines and newspapers. I was close to giving up until I heard her hushed tone of voice, slightly agitated by something or another. It wasn’t my smartest idea but I found myself eavesdropping on a conversation I definitely wasn’t meant to listen in on.

“What do you mean, they aren’t really dating? Of course they are. You saw how Ellie looked at him and---no! That’s not what I meant and you know it, damnit.”

I froze, fully aware that she was talking about me and Ellie and we were fucked. I tried to make sense of it all, my brain pulling up a blank as Doli’s face appeared in view. She tucked her cell phone into her pocket dejectedly. “Is something wrong, Chris? You look like a wounded puppy.”

“What? Uh, no. Nothing. Nothing’s wrong, everything’s fine.”

“Are you sure? Wait, I need to ask you a question.” She pulled me aside, still on the lookout for Gavin. “You know you can tell me anything, right?” The look in her eyes dared me to disagree but I couldn’t. I was under her spell.

“Of course,” I said carefully, a nervous grin spreading across my face. “You’re one of my best friends, Doll.”

“Then why is Carter telling me that you and Ellie aren’t really dating? He thinks that you two are doing it to make me jealous. Isn’t that funny---” She paused, midsentence, as she noticed that I was staring intensely at the peace sign tattoo on my foot. “Chris. . .you can’t be serious.”

I kept on staring at my tattoo, my eyes squinting slightly.

“Chris. Look at me.”

There are many times in my life that I’ve heard this and I still get that feeling in my stomach. The bundles of nerves that coil within me, suffocating any bit of certainty I have left threaten my livelihood. I didn’t want to gaze at those eyes reflecting shock and utter sadness and have to explain myself. I was ashamed and there was no one to blame but myself. After all, I could’ve been more upfront with Ellie that it wasn’t a good idea. Instead, I allowed this process to spiral out of control and not only was my friendship with Dahlia at stake but the one I had with Carter and Ellie. Carter probably thought I was a tool, Ellie would forgive me eventually but I wasn’t sure, and Dahlia had already told me how she felt. I’d done something selfish and this was the price I was going to pay. I finally lifted my eyes, chewing on one of my lip rings anxiously as she confirmed that I was ready to talk.

“First off, I’m not mad.” Dahlia allowed a small smile to grace her lips and continued, “But I have to say it: yes, I’m hurt. I told you from the beginning how I felt and you weren’t ready. I understood that. Now, I’m the one who’s torn. I really like you but I like Carter too. He’s stable and ready for a relationship. I can’t say the same about you. But you know what I realized?”

“What?”

“I realized that even though I’m spending all this time with Carter, there’s always someone else on my mind. It’s not fair to Carter that I feel this way about you, even up to now.” Dahlia moved closer, tilting her face up to mine. “I can’t imagine myself with him in a long term relationship. I imagine myself with you, jerk.” She playfully nudged my shoulder and laughed.

I was so close to kissing her but of course, the universe hates me and the opportunity was short lived.

“Aha! Found you bitches.” Gavin smirked, doing a victory dance that involved a lot of hip thrusting and fist pumping. “It’s like you weren’t even trying to hide.”

“Yeah, whatever, let’s get back on the bus,” Dahlia muttered, offering her hand. Mine enclosed in hers securely and I smiled at her.

“We’ll talk about it later,” I promised as Gavin started talking about how gross the bus smelled and how it was in dire need of a thorough air freshening session. But even then, there was only one thing I focused on: Dahlia.

It was as if she’d claimed a permanent spot in not only my complex heart but my mind as well.

As if that was anything new. It really wasn’t.