Falling to Pieces

Joel stood on my bed, painting the wall. I watched him as he painted a sun setting behind some skyscrapers, a New York setting. He moved his paintbrush with deliberate strokes, as if thinking about every movement. I loved to watch him paint, watching him escape this world as he went to his own safety.
I turned to my own escape, but it was hard to think at the moment. Nothing really came to mind. I always wrote as a way to get my emotions down, and most of the time they were sadness. I knew how to write sadness, it came naturally because it had became one of my natural emotions. But I didn’t feel sadness anymore, not now that I was with Joel. There were some weird emotions that had replaced the emotions I had known so well. Where sadness had stood, happiness had replaced it. Where anger had taken over, love had washed over. And the confusion was melted away by Joel’s reassurance that everything would be okay.
And I believed him.
But somewhere in the back of my mind this all felt too wrong. This wasn’t right, wasn’t natural. I shouldn’t feel as I do, I didn’t know how to feel like I do. And I wondered if this was all too good to be true, I wondered if Joel would ever figure out that he is so much better off without me, that I have no part of his life anymore, I don't belong next to his side. I stared at the bracelet that he had given me; “All my heart” it meant, but how much was that? And how much of my own heart could I give to him? I could barely hold myself together, what if I let him down?
I frown at his picture. “Why are you painting a sunset?”
He chuckled. “It’s not a sunset.”
He finished and jumped off the bed. “It’s a sunrise. A beginning.”
I smiled and took his hand. “A beginning to what?” I asked.
He brought our hands to his face and pressed his cheek against the back of my hand. “To us, to being sober”
I understood what he meant. It did feel like a beginning, a shaky one, but a beginning none the less.
“Rose it’s nine,” Thomas said, knocking on the door, “I think it’s time you said goodnight to Joel.”
He placed a kiss on the hand that was against his cheek. “Goodnight.”
I grinned at Joel. “Goodnight.”
He opened the door and walked past Thomas. “Goodnight, sir.”
“I suppose I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I heard Joel’s laugh echo through the hall.
“May I have a word with you?” Thomas asked.
I blinked a few times. Thomas and I really had a mute sort of relationship.
“Of course.”
He turned and shut the door and leaned against it.
“How much are you in love with this boy?” he asked
I blushed. I did love him, but I hadn’t said anything aloud, nor had he.
“Very much so.” I told him.
“Kyle doesn’t like him,” he noted.
“I know, and that’s only because he’s only seen the bad side of him,” I said.
He grinned. “He’s surely brought out the best in you. I haven’t seen you smile before. I always thought you were going to be miserably forever. I haven’t seen a child so heartbroken like you were.”
I looked down.
“Your mom would be glad that you're happy”—my head popped up—“that’s all she wanted you know.”
I nodded.
“Your father too.”
My eyes narrowed.
He sighed. “Look I know that you hate your father, but you honestly didn’t know him like I did.”
“He left us, your sister. I cant forgive that.”
“I'm not asking you to. I just want you to know that there is more to the story, and when you're more open minded I’ll tell you sometime. And that he loved all of you very much. He was especially fond of you.”
I rolled my eyes. “You speak of him as if he was a descent man .”
“He was, Rose.”
I glared at him. “I don't believe it.”
He nodded and turned to leave. “Like I said, I’ll tell you more when you're open minded.”
And then he just left.
* * * *
“That’s it,” Rose said, “I'm cooking.”
Lindsey and Joel stared at her.
“We were going to get pizza,” Joel said.
She groaned. “I am so tired of pizza!”
“That’s all we can afford really,” Lindsey said, frowning.
“Do you two notice that if you cut out all the liquor in the house, stopped buying cigarettes, and actually bought groceries, that you could eat like normal people,” she said.
Joel laughed at her. She was so cute when she was trying to take care of them, and at the same time completely absurd.
“You're not supposed to be smoking or drinking anyway,” She pointed out.
“Hey, You may have Joel in check, but I didn’t agree to anything,” Linds said.
“No, she’s right,” Joel said, “As much as it pains me to say so.”
Rose smiled and grabbed his hand. “Well come on then, you can come to the store with me.”
Joel groaned and let her pull him out the door, letting her have her fun. He couldn’t help but love the hard determination in her eyes as she drug him down the street. Thank God she took him to the off bran mini market down the road and not some crazy shopping center.
“So what does everyone like?” She asked.
“Pizza, beer, and cigarettes,” Joel said.
“Joel, I’m serious,” she said.
“Well I am too. Rose, love, we haven’t made dinner since we first moved in, with just me and Lindsey.”
She grabbed a shopping cart. “It got harder when Ryan moved in?” she said.
“Yeah, I mean you’ve seen him. He can’t exactly have a job.” Joel said
If you really knew the truth…
But she couldn’t, it would only hurt her in the end.
“That’s got to be hard Joel, I'm so sorry,” She said picking out some weird shaped peppers.
He stopped her and pulled her in his arms. “I don't want you to feel sorry for me,” he whispered, laughing at the shudder of her heart. “I don't think I've ever been this happy before, Rose. You make everything seem so right, you know?”
She grinned, he could feel the sudden warmth rise from her. “That’s funny.”
That wasn’t the response he was looking for.
“Funny?”
She looked up. “It’s just that’s how I look at you. I mean think about it. I was nothing before I met you. I don't mean to sound like one of those obsessive girls, but really Joel.”
He kissed her forehead.
“And what is that?”
She laughed. “That would be a sweet pepper.”
He wrinkled his nose. “I thought peppers were supposed to be hot.”
She smiled and continued to shop. It was like she did this a million times. He remembered her telling him how amazing her mother was at cooking, and he wondered if that was where she got it.
Back at home, she was cooking like she belonged on the food network channel.
“Here,” she said handing him a sliced piece of the “Sweet Pepper”.
He tasted it and to his surprised he liked it.
“See, I knew you would like it,” she said.
She began cutting more onions as well. “Joel, can you get me a plate for this?” she asked.
He turned to get one.
“ouch …”
And he couldn’t hear anything, much less see anything, but he could smell it. It never bothered him much before, only when they first met, but he had gotten use to the sent fairly quickly. But any open cut was reckless for him to be around.
GET OUT OF THERE!
He didn’t waste any more time than he already had and he was truly afraid that there would be part of him, the monster in him, would go back in that small little kitchen and…
“Joel!” She yelled running outside with him.
It was easier to breathe outside.
Lie to her.
I can’t.
If you tell her, she’ll never look at you the same.
She deserves to know.
If you stay with her, she’ll die. One day you’ll slip up…
“Stay away from me,” He hissed, hating the strangled sound that came out of his throat.
He watched her eyes fill with the same moisture he had tried to protect her from. But in the end he couldn’t save her from this kind of pain. He wouldn’t let her die for his mistake. Yet, he wondered if this pain alone would kill her.
“W-why?”
He couldn’t stand to listen to the brokenness that he caused her to sound like. He was causing her pain, the pain he had tried to erase from the first day he saw her.
He knew that this was it for them, that he had to be the strong one and leave her, or she would die in the end.
He made himself glare at her. “I Can’t Change You!” He yelled, when in reality he was yelling at himself.
He could hear her heart pounding, but it was a different beat, it was breaking. He saw her stumble a bit, trying to keep her balance.
“J…”
He couldn’t listen to the tearful words she wanted to say, he was too selfish.
“Don't pretend,” he hissed, “And I cant pretend for you. You're so screwed up, and I cant help you.”
He wanted to run now, he was admitting the truth to her. He really couldn’t help her, but it wasn’t her fault, he was the one destroying what she had just mended.
“Please don't,” she whispered, she couldn’t be strong, there was nothing in her to allow her to be strong. And she fell to her knees.
“You see?” He sneered, turning her weakness into his own venom, “I cant.”
“Joel what happened we were fine…” she babbled, “In there we were okay, Joel I don't understand….what did I do …”
That hurt the most. Out of the whole scene. Out of all the tears that were falling from her face, out of all the weakness she was showing, out of all the hatred he was throwing at her so he could protect her, what hurt the most was that she was blaming herself, because that was all she had ever known. When her mother died, she blamed herself for not being there; when Kyle yelled at her, she took every word he said and blamed herself.
He couldn’t stand it, he turned and walked away. He walked away from their mended relationship, away from the one person who shared his pain equally, the one person who he let himself cry in front of, the one person that could have changed everything. He walked away from her, leaving her more broken than she had ever been, right there on the street.
* * * * *
I ran in my room and slammed the door.
“Rose?” Kyle asked.
“Leave her alone Kyle,” Thomas said.
I fell on my floor like I was going to drown, everything just kinda tilted. I looked up and saw the sunrise on my wall, but it stung as a sunset. It felt like an end rather than the beginning he had told me.
I glanced at my window. It was a starless night tonight; I couldn’t even see one star.
I got up and opened my window and climbed onto the sill. I held onto the frame.
Tears burned my vision and I slipped back in my room, slamming the window.
“What if its not worth it?” He had asked in the car that one day, “you commit suicide, that’s it. No second chances.”
I screamed and covered my ears. His voice was everywhere! His eyes burned my memory, his touch was still lingering on my hand. Over, and over, I could hear him telling me it would be alright, how he kept promising me I wasn’t alone, but now I was. Somehow I knew this was it, he wasn’t coming back this time. I did something, and I don't even know what it was. He must have realized what I knew all along.
Kyle ran in, ignoring Thomas, and pulled me in his arms, I didn’t reach for him, he wasn’t there….
“I love this song!”
“Is there a song you don't love?” He asked
I ran to my stereo and pulled out all the CDs out of the shelf that was under it. One by one I flung them out the door.
“SHUT UP!” I screeched.
Thomas ran in then. He took Kyle by the arm. “Let her get it out, nothing we can say will help her.”
He dragged him out of the room while I threw my stereo out too.
“Literature”
“What?”
“I like Literature.”
I fell into my bookshelf and threw them too. All the books that I had taken comfort in, all those that let me escape, now brought back memories. And once they were gone I threw my own personal writing. All my hard work that I had spent to get my word out all seemed pointless now.
My bracelet caught my eye.
Totus meus pectus pectoris
And so I threw that too.
Once there was nothing left to destroy, I crawled in a corner and balled up, hugging my knees, I felt so helpless.