Falling to Pieces

“She deserves more than this,” Lindsey hissed to Joel.
Joel sat on the edge of the road with a lit cigarette. “You don't understand. You didn’t see the look in her eyes, I hurt her so bad…”
She sat next to him and put her arms around him. He had been so down ever since they had gotten to England. Lindsey’s sister lived here, and took them in. He only planned to stay for a year or two, when he knew that Rose had left New York. She was eighteen, in a year she would graduate and he knew that she would leave.
“I almost killed her. How could I live with myself if I killed her?” He asked.
She smoothed his bangs out of his face, something Rose use to do. “how can you live with yourself now?”

Joel exhaled smoke and sighed.
“A bit young to be smoking,” he remembered was the first thing she had said to him.
He put out the cigarette and smiled. “I want to go back to her.”
“Then go.”
He looked at her. “She’ll never forgive me.”
“She will if you tell her the truth. Tell her everything and she will.”
“Or she’ll run away scared,” he pointed out.
“It’s better than having her think that you never loved her.”
She’s right.
Joel smiled without happiness. “Anything is better than that.”
She smiled and stood up and grabbed his hand, pulling him up.
Lindsey picked up Ryan’s chalk and helped him up. “Come on, we’re going home.”
Joel looked up at the starry sky and wondered if that was what Rose saw.
* * * * *
I waited till the car stopped then I ran out of the car and down the street, not caring that Kyle was yelling after me. Tears fell down my cheeks as I held the papers in my hand. The papers told me my fate and it wasn’t fair. I needed him so much now.
I knew it was wrong for me to do, but it had become a habit. After the first month I had gotten over the sharp pain, and it dulled to numbness. I still couldn’t watch certain things on T.V., “Titanic” for one, and I only read what was required in school. As for music, well I haven’t touched a radio or stereo since he left me.
But it was about March when I found that I needed something of him. I went to the art museum and soon it became a daily routine. I went there after school and did my homework in the rose garden. And then I would make extra visits when I would get in an argument with Kyle or I was just having a bad day, like today.
I walked in and waved at Mike, who ran the front desk. He grinned at me and motioned me to come over. I walked over to him and smiled, despite the mood in was in.
“What's the papers for?” he asked.
I looked down at them like I had forgotten they were there.
“Homework,” I lied.
“Oh, well I’ll see you afterward right? I have to show you something,” he said.
I grinned, it was probably some nerdy thing; yesterday it was some trading cards called “Magic”.
“Ok,” I said walking away. I threw away the papers at the first trash can I saw.
I went to the rose garden and towards my usual bench, but someone was already there.
Waiting for me.
“Rose,” he breathed .
I shook my head feeling the tears coming, “No.” I had spent the last couple months trying to detach myself from him and all our memories.
His eyes grew heartbroken. He stood up and looked at me anxiously.
It confused me that he didn’t pull me in his arms, like last time.
But I didn’t care that I was supposed to be mad at him right now, it felt like everything was right again. I could breathe whole again. And it wasn’t right to waste precious time by holding grudges and being angry. I fell forward and put my arms around him.
“What's wrong?” he whispered, he was confused by my reaction. I'm sure he had prepared himself for the hate and the anger, but not the need that I had given him.
“I'm just so happy to see you,” I sobbed, “I need you so bad right now.”
He pulled me back. “Why? Are you hurt?”
I froze. “No,” I lied, “I'm just so glad you’re here now.”
He still didn’t understand, he didn’t need to; he pulled me back in his arms. “I've missed you.”
“Then why did you leave?!” I yelled. If he missed me so badly why did he leave me like he did? And what was it that I did that made him leave in the first place?
“I'm sorry,” he murmured, “I’ll explain everything…”
“You just left!” I yelled, “Joel you could have waited, waited till we could have talked like last time, we could have fixed it, but you…”
“I know,” he whispered, soothing my hair.
He held me while I cried for him. He swayed back and forth, trying to quiet the sobs. Finally all the tears were shed, all of the pieces of my heart slowly came together like a puzzle.
He pulled us down on the bench and held me in his arms. He waited for me to say something.
“Tell me, now,” I said, “Lindsey almost told me, you could have too. Why didn’t you?”
“Because…”
“Its bad,” I interrupted.
He let out a frustrated breath. “Rose, I'm not human.”
I stared at him. God, he was so hard on himself. Didn’t he know that he was already forgiven?
“Yes you are,” I said, “You make mistakes.”
He shook his head violently, “That’s not what I mean.”
“Then what do you mean?” I asked, bewildered.
He glanced around. “Take a walk with me.”
I nodded and stood up with him. We walked out of the garden and inside. We passed Mike, who shrugged and smiled encouragingly.
He took my hand and walked into a vacant alley, then he stopped and turned to me, dropping my hand.
“Joel just tell me,” I said softly, because all secrets were suppose to be quiet.
He looked down. “Give me a moment, ok?”
I sighed and went to go sit against the brick wall. He stood there for a moment, then joined me. He took my hand again and pressed it against his chest, where his heart should be. There was no pulse.
“How?” I whispered.
He traced his fingers against my skin.
“Joel?”
“You read a lot,” he said so quietly, I had to lean in to hear him, “Do you know fantasy?”
“Yes, Joel what is this? I don't want to be lied to,” I growled, especially now.
“Think about it, Rose,” he said, almost mutely.
“Joel I don't…”
“Think!” He yelled, and it was so loud against the silence we had earlier.
I thought about all fantasy books I had read about. No pulse…so undead, mummies. No. Zombies? No, Ew. Wait, cold…pale…no pulse. Vampire. Yes.
“That’s not possible,” I said, “Vampires don't exist.”
He flinched. “They shouldn’t.”
I didn’t know how to feel about all this. I mean I …
“You're scared,” he whispered.
I looked at him questioningly. Was I afraid? No, I wasn’t, even now I trusted him. “No, I'm not, I'm confused.”
He grinned. “What are you confused about?”
“How are you in the sun?” It just came out.
He laughed. “That’s a myth.”
“Ok, well what about sleeping in coffins?”
He frowned. “That’s debatable. Vampires sleep a lot because their brain works a lot faster than a human brain. We like very dark, enclosed places, so it may have been something the elders did.”
“Elders?” I asked.
He sighed, “Another time.”
I stared at him and wondered if this was all just a dream. I had gone insane after he left, but I thought I had gotten better. Maybe going to the garden was a bad idea.
“You still haven’t asked me the most vital question,” he said.
I knew what he was talking about.
“I know,” I whispered.
He took a hold of my hand. “Are you afraid?”
“Why should I be?” I asked him.
“Because its in my nature to want to kill you,” he said, “Because I could slip up once and you would be dead. Because my veins burn with hollowness at the scent of your blood and it takes everything in me not to bite you.”
“I don’t care,” I said forcefully.
“Liar!” he growled, “You know that in the back of your head you are dying to run away from me and go back to your normal pathetic human life.”
“Stop,” I hissed.
“What?” he taunted, “Am I getting in your head? Am I right?”
“NO YOU AREN’T! YOU COULDN’T BE MORE WRONG!” I screamed.
“Then why are you getting so upset?” He challenged.
“Because I’m angry at you,” I said, my eyes burning with tears.
We both sat in anguish.
I really didn’t want to be mad at him so I asked a stupid question:
“Can you eat garlic?”
“There is a problem that if a vampire eats garlic that it thins the blood and that just increases the vampires’ thirst. But we don’t have to eat,” he said.
“But you do,” I pointed out.
“It’s a habit, food tastes so good. And it helps us blend in better. It would start to get obvious if we were never seen eating.”
He sighed and pulled me back into his arms and hugged me tight. My hand searched for a pulse, this didn’t seem real, it was something I would have read in a book.
“You wont find it,” he murmured.
“I know,” I breathed, “I was just hoping to. I mean this is so…” I struggled for the word.
“Scary?” he asked.
“Shocking.”
“ Why won’t you run away?”
I shook my head. “You can’t get rid of me that easily.”
“Rosella I'm serious.”
“I know you are, but it’s easier to pretend things were like they were,” I whispered, but they would never be, even if he was human…
“I know, I..”
“I wish I could be strong enough to hate you for leaving me,” I admitted.
He dropped his arms, that’s not the response I wanted, didn’t he hear me say I wasn’t strong enough?
“I suppose I deserve that, of course I deserve much more.”
“I should though,” I whispered, mostly to myself now, “I should tell you to leave me and never come back, for saying all those things to me,” my voice broke.
“Rose…”
And he pulled me back into his arms. We were such a bizarre couple, we comforted each other when we were trashing each other.
He pressed his face to my hair. I felt the tears in my hair. “Rose I don't deserve you. I wanted to kill you. I wanted…even the first day I couldn’t be close to you.”
I remembered.
“But you held me,” I said remembering, “In the alley. So you see I don't, cant believe you would kill.”
“Rose I wanted to kill you…” he wasn’t going to let that one go…
“But you didn’t,” I insisted, “You thought of a way to leave me. You left.”
“I know, I’m sorry I left, but…”
“I know! Don't you see!”
“See what?” he asked, perplexed.
I turned so I was facing him, then I took his face in my hands. “You wont kill me.”
He smiled and bent his face down and kissed me. He held me in his arms like I was breakable and precious. It was like he actually loved me, and I could almost believe me. Though we both hated the idea, but it would take me awhile to trust him like that again.
He moved his hands across my face as if he thought I was a dream. I did the same, and it made much more since that I did this, now that…
“What made you come back?” I whispered.
“Lindsey talked some sense into me.”
I looked down. He caressed my cheek.
“What's wrong, Rose?”
He was honest with me, it was my turn now. He deserved to know the whole truth now.
* * * * *
“Rose?” Joel asked.
There was something different about her. He wondered if he had caused that much pain.
“Why’d you have to leave?” She sobbed suddenly.
Joel pulled her in his arms. “Shh, I'm here now.”
She buried her face in the curve of his neck. “Yeah, you are.”
“There’s something you're not telling me.”
She raised her head and looked at him with those cold grey eyes. “Joel I’m…”
Yes?”
She ripped away from his arms and paced back and forth.
“Rose?”
She stopped and looked at him. “Joel remember my mom?”
Joel nodded. “Of course.”
“She had leukemia,” she whispered, “Kyle and I were outside…”
“Yeah?” he pressed.
She took a big breath are wrapped her arms around herself. “I fainted Joel.”
He didn’t say anything, he didn’t know how to respond to that.
Rose walked to Joel and leaned against him. He wrapped his arms around her. “I have leukemia. I'm dying.”
Joel felt his whole world explode in his head. He felt his throat tighten and burn. His eyes grew hot and his vision blurred with moisture.
“Rose,” he whispered hoarsely, “Tell me this is just some sick joke to get back at me.”
He felt Rose tremble in his arms from her own tears. He held her tighter, letting his tears fall down his pale face and fall into her red hair.
“I wish it was.” She sobbed, “Joel I don't want to die anymore. I did at one time, but you…but I don't get a second chance.”
He shook his head. “No, I don't believe it, you were perfect when I left you…”
“I got the diagnostic today.”
“Its okay, Rose, I'm here, “ he whispered. He held her tighter. He would be with her the whole time. He could believe he had wasted time…
He felt her wrap her arms around him. “Please, Joel, Please pray for me.”
“Everyday,” he swore.
* * * * *
I lay in bed as he painted my walls. He peeled off the floral wallpaper that I had put up to hide the painting. He touched up the painting and then he moved onto another wall. It looked like a cross, but he said there was more to it.
“You should make a list,” he said after awhile.
I was so used to the silence when he worked that it surprised me.
“A list for what?”
“Of things to do before…”He said. We never said die or any type of form of it.
“I mean,” he said. “Incase you…”
“I’m not taking a treatment,” I mumbled.
He put his paintbrush down. “Why?”
“I don't know,” I said, “I don't want to get my hopes up just to have them fall.”
He turned to me, “Don't say that. There are treatments for leukemia. Radiation therapy, bone marrow transplant…”
I shook my head. “No. The bone marrow transplant wont work unless you have a match with someone else.”
He looked like he was going to cry. “What's your blood type?”
I shook my head. “Joel…”
“What about the radiation therapy?” He asked in a shaky voice.
“Its not a guarantee to heal, just prolong...”
“Then give me time,” he growled, vexed with my stubbornness.
“Joel,” I whispered, so softly I hoped he couldn’t hear me.
He came over to the bed and pulled me in his arms as he leaned against the wall.
I could feel his pain more than my own. It wasn’t fair for him to come back to this. I wondered what would have happened if he had never left, how would he have dealt with the faint… how would he deal with leukemia if he had been with me the whole time? Would there be a difference than there was now? Would he understand my reasoning if he had been there to watch me cry for him, watch me as I hoped he would come back, then watch as I cried when my hopes would fall. I wondered how he could think I had any faith left in me to think that by some miracle I would survive this. My mother died with the sickness; surely I was no better than her .
The first week was the hardest, letting Joel back in my life as if nothing happened. And it took us a little while to pretend that he had never left, it took a while to fill that space that was left in between us, for we had both lost our signal in the time spent apart. Kyle was the worst though, he had so much abhorrence for him that he couldn’t let him back in. But it wasn’t up to him. And even Thomas chimed in.
“He is allowed in my house and you may see him,” he said, and to Kyle, “I understand your view, but I haven’t seen her like this in months. If we keep her away from him, she’ll go back into that funk, you don't want to see her like that again do you?”
What they didn’t know was that Joel was upstairs, listening to the conversation. And I knew I would hear it when I got upstairs.
He was reclining on my bed, his hands folded behind his head.
“You never told me it was that bad,” he whispered.
I sat down next to him with my legs crossed. I picked at the comforter as a distraction. “I didn’t want to hurt you anymore than you were.”
“I hurt you.”
His voice was so monotone, like he had nothing in him, and I knew that I had hurt him despite my efforts.
“You had reasons to…”
“No, I could have not gotten involved, but I was stupid and I did. I'm sorry that I let us get carried away when nothing good could come of it.”
“What do you mean nothing good?” I asked, “Don't you know that if you weren’t with me when my mother died that I may be dead now?”
He closed his eyes. “I thought we agreed not to say that word.”
“Joel…”
“Doesn’t seem like I did anything worth anything. You're dying regardless of what happened then.”
“Please don't do this,” I beseeched.
He was silent, speculating.
“I don't need this from you,” I said, the tears becoming clear in my voice as well as on my face, “I don't need you to lose faith too, please. I know its a lot to ask of you, but for me, please, don't give up on me.”
“Why?” he demanded, “When you don't have any faith in yourself.”
I wasn’t thinking straight then and my emotions got the best of me. “I think I deserve to lose my faith, considering what its went through.”
He sat up then and I quickly regretted my words, though it was too late to take it back.
“I don't know what to say,” he admitted softly, “I cant say I'm sorry for leaving you. It seems to be no meaning to you.”
“Joel, I’m so sorry,” I cried.
His face was harsh, like it was the day he left me. “It’s so funny how those words hold no meaning to either of us.”
I felt myself shaking with tears, it brought me back to those nights where I would gain no sleep due to the same fit.
“I don't know what to say,” I sobbed.
His face softened as he looked at me, our eyes locked, and then I was in his arms, where I belonged.
When Uncle Thomas said it was time to call it a night, Joel whispered in my ear that he would return later that night, and I smiled at our conspiracy.
I found myself asleep later that night, it was the first night he had returned, and the first night I had a full night of rest.
A few days later we sat in his room with the door locked, he finally saved up enough money to buy one. He was drawing a heart on my hand. I stared off at the other wall, it was blank, I hadn’t left my handprints all over that wall.
“Joel,” I said cautiously, “Can I ask you something?”
He looked up from his drawing. “Of course.”
I looked down at his hands and took them in my own. “don't you think its scary?” I whispered, “That we all know that some day we will all die.”
“I suppose,” he said, squeezing my hand, “But you don't have to be scared. I wont let you go.”
I wormed my way back into his arms. “Is it scary, knowing you’ll never die?”
“No, its scary watching those I love die and knowing that I will never be with them.”
He looked at me with his blue-violet eyes and they were glossed over with tears.
“Joel,” I whispered, holding him tighter wanting nothing more than to get rid of this leukemia. It wasn’t fair to him, he couldn’t die with me, and I couldn’t live with him. It was an uncompromising impasse.
* * * * *
Joel held Rose as she slept silently. Her even breathing made it hard to keep the tears from falling, knowing that her breaths were numbered, her heart beats were limited. He brushed her hair off her cheek and placed a kiss on the dried tear drop that had fallen.
He looked over at the night stand, where her journal laid. He was careful not to move her, as he took the book.
He opened to the page of the date when he left her.
December 29
I cant really write anything. Nothing comes to mind at the moment. Joel left and I’m kinda hoping that he’ll call soon so we can talk this over. He always waits awhile till he does, but I can hope cant I? I destroyed all my music and books and stuff though in my melt down. I’m kinda disappointed in myself for that, that was all my stars…
January 2
I couldn’t help it anymore so I went to his apartment and he wasn’t there, no one was. They moved out. And I threw another fit when I got home. I put wall paper up to hide Joel’s painting. I cant stand to be in my room anymore.

January 7
Kyle still hasn’t spoken to me since Joel left. He cant forgive me for being with him, for not listening to him. And today I broke the T.V. Titanic was on the T.V. Thomas says he forgives me.

March 16
Kyle made me go outside today with him, he said I needed to get some fresh air. Things got worse over the last few months, its gotten so bad that sometimes I feel like I’ll faint. You’d think that I’d be over him by now, but its so hard.

March 25
I fainted after I wrote my last entry. And I woke up in a hospital with all these I.V. needles stuck in my wrist, I wanted to throw up. They also ran a bunch of tests on me. They think I may have the same cancer that my mother had, but they aren’t sure.

April 4
Its called Leukemia. Apparently I’ve had it for awhile. I asked why I hadn’t suffered from it before, they said that it wasn’t fully developed then. So I guess I wasn’t going insane, there was something truly wrong with me. I wish that Joel was with me, he’d make it better

April 5
Joel said he was a vampire. I cant say that I don't believe him, its that I don't want to believe him, I’m not scared. I wondered why Joel was as messed up as I was before, and now I know, and I feel sad for him. I wish it was something normal, something I could relate to so I could help him, I don't know how to help him now. Well I never did. That’s why I thought he left me, I couldn’t help him, I was too screwed up.
Joel ran his fingers over her writing, he could feel the wrinkles that formed from tears. He felt his own on his cheeks, he wondered for a split second if his cheeks would become like the wrinkled paper from all the tears he had shed.
He turned the page and smiled bleakly.

April 7
Joel thinks that I should make a list. I don't know how it’ll help me feel better, writing things that’ I’ll never be able to do.
5.Get a tattoo
4. get my nose pieced
3. Drive a mustang
2. Get baptized
1.. Get married to Joel (never happen)

She thought that that would never happen? He wanted it too, now that she’s mentioned it. Marriage was never a high priority, she was only eighteen, she had her whole life ahead of her. Well, she did then.
He ripped a page out from the back of the journal and made a copy of the list and stuck it in his pocket.
Then he called Lindsey.