Falling to Pieces

I woke up to the sound of my stereo playing a Pink CD.
I blinked a few times to realize that my stereo was back. I jumped out of my bed and heard laughter.
“Told you she’d flip,” Joel’s voice came.
I turned around and saw Joel leaning against the door frame, behind him was Thomas, smiling almost as hugely as Joel was. He caught my mood and opened his arms in time for me to jump into his arms, even though I knew that it was overly dramatic.
“How’d you get it back?” I asked.
“Thomas here said that he kept all the stuff that you threw out. He had to fix it up a bit, you threw it pretty hard.”—I blushed—“And he kept all of your books and CDs. Some of your CDs didn’t make it though,” he said, “So Kyle bought new ones.”
My smile grew even more, till my cheeks were hurting.
“You're amazing,” I whispered.
“There is one thing,” he murmured, putting me down.
I looked at him questioning.
He put his hand in his pocket and pulled out the bracelet he gave me for Christmas.
I smiled as he took my wrist and fastened it back on, where it belonged.
“Totus meus pectus pectoris,” he whispered.
I grinned. “How do you know Latin?”
And how old was he if he did know Latin?
He raised an eyebrow. Oh, a vampire thing. It would have to wait till Thomas was gone.
“Get dressed,” he said, “Me and Lindsey have the day planned, we all haven’t hung out in awhile…”
We both had that hurt look in our eyes for a split second, but he regained his smile quickly, forcing me to do the same. I didn’t want him to hurt either.
He gave me a quick kiss on my forehead and left the room to give me privacy.
I quickly got dressed, too excited to spend any time on actually trying to find something decent to wear.
When I got downstairs, Joel and Thomas were laughing.
“What's funny?” I asked.
“You’ll see,” he said, taking my hand. He led me to the door and outside.
Lindsey was there with a key in her hand.
I looked at all of them confused.
“Go look down the street and tell me if there’s something that…strikes your eye,” Joel chuckled.
I looked down the street and saw a bright green mustang with a huge white bow on the top.
“It’s only a rental,” Lindsey said, “We couldn’t afford to actually buy you one.”
I was so in shock that I didn’t even yell at Joel for spending money on something as useless as a rental mustang, well not entirely useless.
“oh my God,” I breathed.
Joel laughed. “So you like it?”
“Yes, thank you.”
I took the key from Lindsey and ran to the beautiful car and unlocked it. I ran my hands over the wheel.
He and Lindsey got in the car.
“Now don't let the power get to your head,” Joel said, “Like Lindsey said it’s a rental so it has to come back in one piece.”
“Floor it baby!” Lindsey yelled.
I laughed and started it up and stuck my foot down on the petal and it did touch the floor, for about half a second…
“Where are we headed?”
“The mall of course,” Lindsey said.
“She’s got another surprise for you,” Joel said.
“Why all the surprises?” I asked, “It’s not like it’s my birthday or anything.”
“Right,” Joel said, “We missed that.”
“Happy Nineteenth birthday!” Lindsey shrieked.
I rolled my eyes, then I remembered something.
“How old are you two?” I asked.
“Nineteen,” Joel said.
“Twenty-one,” Lindsey said.
I shook my head. “No really.”
“No, Rose, we are nineteen and twenty-one,” Joel said.
“When you were bit,” I said, “Let me rephrase, how long have you been alive, or whatever it is you guys are.”
Joel chuckled at my choice of words.
“ I was born on May 15, 1934,” Joel said, “ so technically, I'm seventy-five.”
“And I was born on July 28, 1978, I’m thirty-one.”
I shivered. Creepy.
“Does that scare you?” He asked softly.
I shook my head. “Its just weird.”
“I know, age doesn’t matter much when you cant die. There really isn’t much of a point in keeping track. It’s a bit depressing actually.”
I nodded, though I didn’t understand to the extent that I could help any.
When we got to the mall, Lindsey just dragged me to different stores, of course we didn’t buy really anything, it was fun to dress up and pretend that we were different people for a moment.
And I even got my nose pierced; something I’ve always wanted to do, it was even on my list of things to do before I, you know. And Joel even held my hand while they did it.
“I love it,” he laughed.
I looked in the mirror. “Me too.”
Then I laughed and followed Lindsey into the next stores. I held me hand out, thinking Joel would take it. Instead he put his arms around me.
“I need to take care of a few things. I’ll see you in a bit, okay?”
I nodded. “okay.”
* * * * *
Joel sat on the curb of the street.
“What are you doing?” Rose asked him.
He pulled out a pack of cigarettes, then took one out. Rose eyed him as he stuck it in his mouth and lit it.
“I see you’ve got back onto you addiction,” she hissed.
He closed his eyes.
Rose is dying…
You think that I don't know that!
“Picked it back up in London,” he said monotone.
She sat next to him and leaned her head on his shoulder. “London?”
He smiled bleakly. “Yeah, kinda needed to put some space between us.”
“So you left the country? How did you afford it?” She asked.
“Lindsey’s sister paid for us,” he said, “Like I said, I needed to get away.”
“Do you realize that if you had told me about you being a….um, we would have never had that nasty fight?”
He sighed and blew out his smoke.
“Its not fair,” she said, taking a cigarette from his pack, “if you get to smoke and I don't.”
He took it away. “Smoking wont kill me, I've been doing it for twenty years now.”
She took it back. “Well I'm dying anyway, so its moot point.”
He got up, making Rose loss her balance and she fell on the concrete.
“Thanks a lot Joel,” She growled, getting up.
“its your fault!” He yelled.
“Yeah because I felt like falling on my face!” She yelled back.
“No you had to bring up Leukemia! You had to bring up the whole vampire thing! God I wish things could be the same as it was before!” He yelled at her.
Her face was composed, and it scared him. She was decided. She really believed that she was going to die, like she didn’t have a chance.
“SAY SOMETHING!” He screamed at her.
And then she was crying.
“Fabulous,” He muttered.
“Things would have changed anyway,” She said, “I was going to be diagnosed with Leukemia whether you were here or not.”
“But…”
“Really Joel? What can you say to prove me wrong? You know I'm right,” She said in her shaky voice.
He took her hand, putting his thumb over her wrist to feel her pulse. And it tore at his hollow heart that hers would stop too.
Lindsey had suggested that he bite her, but he refused, he could ruin her like that. But it was always there, that thought, if she truly wanted it…
“You never told me what the doctor told you,” he mumbled.
“We don't have to talk about it,” she said gently, like she was comforting him.
“no,” he disagreed, holding her hand tighter, “I need to get better at this. So what did he tell you.”
“I have chronic leukemia.”
“What's that?” He asked, hoping it some type of mild, curable leukemia.
“It means that I’ll get worse slowly. My white blood cells work for now. So, you have-er-you have time.”
“I’d have more time if you would try some treatment,” he said.
Rose sighed, “I don't want to waste time trying to get better when I only have so much time left, I want to make it worth wild, you know?”
Joel hugged her closer. “Yeah, I know,” he breathed.
They were silent for a moment, but Joel couldn’t stand the fact that she was so certain on her death.
“You don't know that they wont work though,” he pointed out.
“Joel, please, I don't want to talk about it,” she whispered.
“But if…”
“Joel,” She continued, “Let me be normal for a moment.”
“Cause that’s easy when you have leukemia and your boyfriend is a vampire,” he chuckled, putting the cigarette out.

When Joel got home he plopped down onto his bed and stuck in a cigarette, old habits die hard.
Lindsey knocked on the door. “Joel?”
“No,” he said and blew out smoke.
She opened the door anyway. “Look I know your upset about Rose, but I need you to keep an eye on Ryan, I have to go to work.”
He eyed her. “Why?”
She rolled her eyes. “Because we’re back in this dump and we need running water.”
“Lindsey I don't need to go to school anymore,” he said, “I mean I’m a ‘senior’ now…”
“We can wait the last two months till you get your degree,” she sighed.
“I have enough degrees!” He yelled
Lindsey sat down next to Joel. “What's this about? I know it isn’t the money issue anymore, we’re so past that now, so what is it?”
“Rose.”
“What about Rose? Joel she’s dying ok?”
“I know,” he breathed, “But I cant save her.”
“Well, love, that day had to come eventually.”
* * * * *
Joel and I lay on a blanket in central park. I had my head rested on his shoulder; my hand and was tangled with his and they rested on top of his chest.
“Its amazing,” I said, “There's actually green in New Yuck.”
He laughed at me. “I don't know why you hate New York so bad.”
I smiled. “I guess South Carolina spoiled me.”
He kissed the top of my head. “Are you cold?”
“No, not really,” I lied, I didn’t want to show weakness in front of him.
Of course he knew I was lying; he pulled off his jacket and draped it over me like a blanket.
I smiled and closed my eyes. I could feel my head begin to hurt. Stupid headaches. Along with that I would have to deal with fevers, weight loss, feeling weak, pain in the bones and joints, plus I would bruise and bleed easily.
Joel cold hand brushed against my cheek. “Hey, are you alright?”
“Yeah,” I said, forcing my eyes open, “Just a little headache.”
His eyes widened. “Maybe we should…”
“Joel, its only a headache, its normal. I'm fine.”
“Promise?” he asked, not convinced.
“Yes,” I assured him.
He nodded then laid back down next to me. I put my head on his shoulder.
“Talk to me,” I said.
His face was serious, too stern. It was like how it used to be, before us.
“What about?” he asked with a dead voice.
“tell me about London.”
He shook his head. “I really don't want to talk about that.”
“Then what am I allow to say?” I demanded, a little too harsh.
“It’s a free country, say what you want,” he said.
I sat up, ignoring the wave of weakness that I felt and began walking, it was getting worse.
I heard him follow me. I stumbled and caught myself on a tree.
“Rose,” he said, warily.
He held me in his arms. “We need to get you home, you're tired.”
I nodded. “I’m sorry.”
“for what?”
“All of this,” I breathed.
He shook his head and swung me up so he could carry me. He brought me to his car and buckled me in.
“Can we go to your apartment tonight?” I asked, “ I haven’t seen Ryan or Lindsey in a while.”
He smiled. “Of course.”
He pulled up to the apartment and took my hand and helped me up the steps.
As soon as I got into the crazy apartment, Ryan tackled me.
“Rosie doodle!”
I stared laughing, despite the dizziness.
Joel’s eyes were wide. Ever since I told him the truth, suddenly I was very breakable. “Ryan, be careful!” He hissed.
Ryan looked at me and stood up quickly, his bottom lip poking out in shame.
I got up and rolled my eyes. “I’m fine Joel.”
He took my hand and led me to his room.
It had been awhile since I've been in his room. It felt so familiar. And all those nights seemed to crash into my head. I sat down on his bed and traced the handprint on the wall.
I smiled at him. “You kept this?”
Joel came over and sat down. “Of course I did.”
And then Lindsey fell into the room with Ryan in her arms.
“Joel he keeps having nightmares,” Linds said
Joel sat next to him. “Ryan, its been five years since you’ve been bitten.
“S-she keeps haunting me,” he sobbed.
“Ryan she wont hurt you, she cant find you,” Lindsey said in a soothing voice.
“In my dreams, s-he—she sees me,” Ryan continued.
“Who?” I asked.
No one paid attention to me.
“Why wont she leave you alone Ryan?” she asked.
He looked at Joel. “Because she’s alone and alive.”
I stared at Joel with fear that usually never occupied me when I was around Joel and his family.
“Joel…” I whispered.
He turned and looked at me. He quickly picked me up and carried me out of the room.
He carried me into the living room and laid me on the couch. He sat on the floor beside it.
“I get so use to having you around and knowing that you know our secret only makes me more comfortable around you,” he whispered.
I ran my fingers through his hair.
“I’m glad,” I said, “I like that you feel that way about me, that you can trust me.”
He shook his head. “But there are some things that I want to keep away from you—not because I don't trust you, don't think like that, but because there are some real horrors in my life that I don't want you to have to bare as well”—he looked up at me and smiled—“I just want to protect you.”
I slid off the couch and went into his lap.
“But if you're going to share your secret with me,” I said, “I want all of it, the good and the bad. I want to be there for you, to bare the horrors with you as well as share the joy.”
“There is no joy in being a vampire,” Joel muttered.
“Don't give me any of that,” I hissed.
“I really don't want to talk about that,” Joel whispered.
I got up and walked to the end of the room. “You know that sooner or later you're going to have to deal with all of these things that you keep saying you don't want to talk about.”
He looked at the floor.
“Joel?” I said.
He didn’t reply.
I walked to the door.
“Fine,” I said, “Find me when you're ready to talk, cause all this silence is bothering me. We use to be able to talk about everything.”
He still didn’t look up, and it made me even angrier. I walked out and slammed the door.
* * * * *
“Joel?” Linds asked.
Joel still didn’t want to say anything, it would give it away.
“Are you crying?” She asked, sounding appalled.
She sat beside him and pulled him in her arms.
“I’m losing her,” he whispered as if he had just realized the truth. But the leukemia wasn’t just separating them by killing her, it was tearing apart their relationship.
“What happened now?”
“I just don't want to talk about leukemia with her, I want to pretend its not there,” Joel said.
“Joel, maybe right now she needs someone to talk to about it, she cant talk to Kyle without getting a preaching and her and Thomas never had that kind of that relationship. She needs the Joel that talked with her until one in the morning,” she said.
“Why’d I have to leave her?” He groaned.
“You were scared. We all were. You know that we care about her as if she were family, no she is family Joel. And she’s right, things would have been exactly the same if you had been there.”
“I still should have been there for her, to support her,” he said.
“Joel you're allowed to make mistakes. The thing that matters now is that she took you back.”
“I don't know what I'm going to do when she dies.”
“Live for her, she’ll want you to be happy.”