Falling to Pieces

The next morning I was wondering through the attic, trying to find my mom’s wedding dress, I just wanted to see it.
“It’s in a box up stairs,” Kyle told me when I could him.
“Thanks Kyle,” I said.
I went through some boxes, careful though; some of them were filled with my father’s things that my mother couldn’t get herself to throw out.
I stumbled upon a box that was filled with his stuff, and I tried to walk away, I really did, but I was curious.
I found some old pictures of his, they were black and white and he was just a baby, with an innocent smile; you wouldn’t think that he would grow up and be a coward. Then there were some recent pictures, of him and my mother when they first met, mom still had short hair. I looked at him, he looked like me, it was a bit scary, demoralizing.
I put the box down and then I found one that said “Lucy’s Bridal” in fancy gold letters. I opened it eagerly and saw her dress. I pulled it out and held up to me, perfect. It was a pure white color with a corset built into it, kind of old fashion. There was a vile that was almost as long as the dress.
I was staring into the old full length mirror that was up there. I smiled and pictured myself in it. Then I saw Joel at the door through the reflection.
I turned, with the dress.
His eyes were widened.
“Joel…” I trailed off.
It was a secret wish that I’d marry to Joel before I died, that I would die with Carters on my gravestone and not Connors, the name that belonged to my father, I wanted nothing to do with him.
He stepped closer and then kneeled to the ground.
I stepped back.
“Marry me Rose?” He asked .
I looked up at the ceiling, I wanted to, but he didn’t.
“No, not because we’re running out of time,” I said hard.
“I’m not asking because of that!”
“Liar.”
“Fine, have it your way,” he said standing up, I still didn’t look at him.
“But I know it’s what you want,” he whispered, stepping closer, “I read it in your journal, how do you think I knew about all the other things?”
“That’s cheating,” I said.
“Marry me,” it wasn’t a question now.
I looked at him, he hand a small box in his hand.
“And you’ve thought about this, really thought about this?” I asked.
He nodded. “It’s all I’ve thought about.”
I looked down at the floor now.
“And so what if I hadn’t thought about it? Just marry me.”
I looked back at him.
“Ok.”
“When?” I asked after awhile.
He was painting my walls, the smell of paint bringing me back to a time when I didn’t have to think about death or Velions.
“I dunno,” he said, “Sometime soon.”
I nodded and began to read the book I had in my hands.
“Where?” He asked.
“In the church here,” I said, “That’s where we use to go when I was a kid, that and it’s the only church here.”
He laughed.
“As soon as possible then,” he said.
I nodded.
I got up then.
“Where are you going?”
“To tell my mother,” I said, walking downstairs.
“What?” He asked.
I opened the front door.
He grabbed my arm.
“I need to let go of her, I want to go to her grave,” I said.
He nodded. “Okay, let’s go.”
I smiled at him and opened the door and we left. The cemetery was behind the only church in Darton. We walked down the street and to the gate.
I opened to gate and began to walk in when I realized he wasn’t following me. I turned. He stayed at the gate.
I walked back to him.
“I’ll wait here,” he said lamely.
“Why?”
“Cemeteries give me the creeps. It’s just a harsh reminder that I can’t die and others can, it’s not a good feeling.”
“Okay,” I said softly and I hated how weak it sounded
“I’ll be right here,” he said.
I nodded and went back in the cemetery. I walked until I found her grave.
Alison Kay Connors
1968—2008
I dropped to my knees, my legs felt like Jell-O.
“I’m sorry I didn’t bring you any flowers, or that I skipped the funeral, I couldn’t take it. I’m getting married, I thought you should know. And I hope you don’t mind that I’m wearing your dress, it’s so pretty. And yeah, it’s Joel, the guy Kyle told you about, but he isn’t like how Kyle described him at all, he’s so much better than that. He’s a vampire too. I know you don’t believe me, but it’s true. And they aren’t as bad as you think most of them anyway, they’re really nice. The ones you have to watch out for are the Velions. They’re creepy, mom. And they want to kill me because I’ m not suppose to know about vampires. But its okay, we’re safe here.
I’m dying too now. Did you know that? I have leukemia like you did. They say I have about August till I need to stay in the hospital. I’m a little scared, but I’ll be okay. Joel might bite me, but he doesn’t want to, he thinks that I’d go to Hell if he did, or that I’d die since I’m human. He says not a lot of humans make it through when they are bit.
But it will be worth it in the end. And I miss you so much, but I can’t let you keep haunting me. I want to feel happy without feeling guilty. I don’t want to fall apart anymore. And who knows, I may see you soon. But if Joel bites me, it will be awhile.”
I stood up, before the tears came.
“You’re so lucky that you don’t have to deal with this confusion, I don’t know if I’m going to die or not. At least you knew that you were going to die. I wish I knew.”
And then I ran away, because it was what I was good at.