Falling to Pieces

The day Kyle was leaving he took me out for lunch before he had to get to the airport. Yesterday, he had met Joel. Of course I was stupid and didn’t tell Joel about it, so when I met up with him, Kyle saw him drinking some beer.
“Oh yeah, he’s real nice,” Kyle said in a disapproving tone.
Joel crunched his can and threw it away. “You must be Rose’s brother.”
I rolled my eyes; this wasn’t going to be good.
“And you must be the nice gentleman,” Kyle sneered.
Joel raised his eyebrow. “Gentleman?”
“Rose, I don’t think Joel is a good influence on you,” Kyle said.
I rolled my eyes. “I’m eighteen, Kyle. I'm not a child.”
“Alright then,” Kyle said, “When you’re on your death bed because of lung cancer and a liver infection, don’t ask why you’re not going to Heaven.”
I glared at him. “I knew it.”
Joel looked at me. “Knew what?”
“That there's no hope for me. That I’m going to hell.”
“Rose…” Kyle began.
“Oh and I’m the bad influence?” Joel challenged.
“This isn’t your argument,” Kyle snapped.
“You're going around telling her that she’s going to hell. It’s no wonder why she’s so screwed up. She’s got no one to talk to. Her mother, I’m guessing, is sick, her brother is a jerk. And where the hell is her father?”
Kyle was turning red with anger. “And I suppose you’ve been a real help for her? Influencing her to smoke and drink?”
“We are both quitting the cigarettes and she hasn’t drunk,” Joel said, then quietly, “And yes, I suppose I am a real help for her. I listen to her.”
I looked at the ground, trying to control my blush.
“Well if you hurt her, I will personally kill you,” Kyle said.
My head popped up. Kyle usually wasn’t violent.
Joel laughed. “I doubt you will. But its moot point, I’ll never hurt her anyway.”
“We’ll see.”
“Rose?”
I blinked. “Huh?”
Kyle smiled. “Daydreaming?”
I smiled and nodded.
“Do you think that everyone has a purpose?” I asked mostly to myself.
Kyle stared at me. “Yes.”
I stirred my tea. “What's mine?”
He didn’t say, and after awhile the silence became unbearable.
“Kyle?”
I looked up.
He was looking at me, and then he sighed.
“You're responsible to live. Nothing more. When you find your purpose, you’ll know what it is.
I sipped my tea. “Well isn’t that peachy?”
I dropped Kyle off at the airport and waved bye from the security gate.
I went home and plopped down onto my bed.
There was a knock at the door.
“Yes?”
Thomas walked in. “I have to do some night classes every Tuesday and Thursday. Will you be alright by yourself?”
I nodded. “Yeah, I’ll be fine.”
“Ok,” he said, “Well, um, bye.”
And then he left.
I leaned back and hit “play” on the remote. Rascal Flats played.

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry
Every once in awhile…

I heard a crash that made me leave my comfort zone. I walked over to my window slightly dazed.
Joel stood outside with a goofy grin plastered on his face.
“Wanna go somewhere?”
I smiled. “Why not?”
I grabbed my phone and jacket and went downstairs.
He was waiting for me at the door.
“Hey.” He said.
He led me out in the rain and to a beat up Chevy truck. He opened the door for me to get in.
“Sorry about the car, it’s my brother’s,” he apologized.
I frowned. “Why do you have his car?”
“He borrowed mine to impress some girl,” he said.
I tilted my head to the side. “I’m not worth impressing?”
He chuckled and leaned forward so he was only inches away.
“I think I already have you chasing me,” he whispered.
I leaned in closer, till there was only a whisper apart.
“So you think,” I breathed, embarrassed that my attempt at being mysterious had failed due to my shaking voice.
He laughed gently at me, so my blush deepened. He stared at my red stained cheeks and whispered, “So I know.”
“You’re getting all wet.”
He smiled and shook his head. He shut my door and climbed in the driver’s seat.
“Go on,” he said, “Mess with the radio.”
I stuck my tongue out at him but started playing with the radio. I finally decided on a song. It was some country song.
“Oh God change that please,” he said.
I laughed and turned it to a classical music station.
“Now you’re just trying to be funny,” he hissed.
I laughed and opened the glove box. There were a few CDs.
“Hmm, ‘Three Days Grace’, ‘Blue October’, or ‘Linkin Park’,” I said, “Let’s go with ‘Blue October’.”
I stuck the CD in and turned it up.
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you
“This is depressing,” he mumbled.
“You’re so mean!” I whined.
“You're driving me insane!” He said giving me an exasperated look.
I rolled my eyes. “Bite me.”
He chuckled, “Interesting”
“What is?” I asked.
“You. The way you think.”
I looked at him strangely. “You need a hobby.”
“Excuse me?”
“You can watch me for years and still never figure me out,” I said looking outside, “The mind is a scary place.”
Joel pulled the car over. “Look at me.”
My head turned automatically. “What?”
He sighed, “You’re no freak. Quit treating yourself like one.”
“You’re the one who said that I don’t think like others my age!”
“I meant that as a compliment!” He yelled, then he banged his hand on the steering wheel. “Only you would twist my words into an insult.”
I looked down.
“Rose, please listen to me on this. You are so much better than those other people. Call them normal, I don’t care, but you are so much better than normal then. You see the world for how it really is. You don’t sugarcoat anything. Sure you could be more optimistic, but you don’t fall all the bull crap. You know you have to work to get what you want, you understand life isn’t great. It sucks! But somehow you learn to put up with it.”
I shook my head. “I don’t want to deal with it.”
“What do you mean?” He asked, pulling his eyebrows together.
“I want it to end,” I whispered, looking down at the seat. I played with the fabric on the seats with my fingers.
“What if it’s not worth it?” He asked, “You commit suicide, then that’s it. No second chances.”
I glanced up. “What if it’s not worth it to live?”
He shrugged. “You can usually fix what you screw up in life, if you’re dead, then you’re dead, nothing more.”
I slammed my head back on the seat. “Make up your freaking mind!”
“Excuse me?”
“First it’s oh have a smoke, then its smoking is bad for you Rose. I smoke to die, but suicide is not the answer.”
“Well maybe I have a different look on life!” He yelled.
“In a few weeks?” I scoffed, “What, are you bipolar?”
“Rose,” he growled.
“Life’s the same, no matter how you look at it,” I hissed.
“Not true,” he disagreed, shaking his head, “When your painting a picture in one angle then do the same in a different angle you practically have two different paintings.”
“This isn’t one of you freaking paintings, Joel,” I said coldly.
“I know it’s not,” he sighed, “But do you see my point? Even a little?”
I shook my head. “No, what changed your mind?”
Joel didn’t answer till I looked at him. He had a smile stretched across his face.
“Not to sound corny, but you did,” he said.
I looked out the window.
“Rosella, you’re not alone ok? You’re not the only one who feels pain.”
“I never said I was,” I told him.
“Then why do you run away when someone tries to help?”
“Because I don’t need help.”
“That’s stupid and you know it,” he hissed.
I still didn’t look at him.
“Rose,” he said, taking my hand. “I’m here for you.”
It surprised me how stupid he sounded. But it wasn’t stupid, not what he meant, and I could tell he wasn’t used to being around people that often, he never struck me as a “people person”.
I turned then, and squeezed his hand. “I’m here for you too.”
He smiled and dropped my hand. He pulled the car back onto the road.
“So where are we going anyway?” I asked.
“Just wait,” he said.
I drummed on the dashboard impatiently. “Please?”
He chuckled and pulled up to a broken down building. The hard rain slammed against it, making it look like the poor building would shatter.
Joel took my hand again and pulled me out of the car. I noticed how much our little “thing” had grown. I didn’t even know if I could call it a relationship. But I did notice how he started being closer to me than the first day.
We walked through the decaying door. The inside was a little better. The floor was all hard wood, old now, but in the day I bet it was beautiful. The walls were just broken mirrors. A rusted bar outlined the perimeter of the broken walls.
“Where are we?” I asked standing in the center of the ancient room.
Joel chuckled, “A ballet studio.”
I turned to him and smiled mockingly. “Did little Joel do ballet?”
He grimaced. “No, my sister did.”
* * * *
She blinked at Joel. “Sister?”
He let out a breath, “Yes my sister.”
He shouldn’t have said anything, now she’ll know…she’ll find out and she’ll run…
She walked to him, smiling slightly. “You never mentioned your sister, before.”
Lie.
He looked down.
Lie.
But somehow he looked back up and said the truth. “She died.” Well that was half of the truth anyway.
Please don’t ask how she died.
Her smile fell from her face, she understood loss. “Joel I’m so sorry.”
He shook his head. He never understood why every human was inclined for pitying others; don’t they see that it makes things worse? But when she said it, she wasn’t saying it for pity; it was because she was truly, deeply sorry. For what he, didn’t know. But he could see the pain in her cold grey eyes.
“Don’t worry about it,” He said, comforting her, for some strange reason. “It was a long time ago.”
She nodded.
Then she began to walk towards him; he backed up out of habit.
“What are you doing?” He breathed.
She looked at him impatiently. “Would you wait and find out?”
He watched her like she a snake and he was a mouse. She sighed, almost annoyed, and put her arms around him.
He stiffened. He could smell her scent just like the other time she had been in his arms. Didn’t she know how dangerous this was for her? No, of course not, she has no instinct. Other humans would have run away that first time they met in the back of the school, but she seemed to be drawn in. And then when he acted so shady when they were walking to class, she should have been frightened. However, when he walked into the classroom the next day, she smiled at him. Ever since then she had somehow gained a foreign trust that he didn’t intend to take, nor did he deserve it for that matter.
I could kill you!
“Its only a hug,” she said, “It wont kill you,” she said.
She didn’t know how ironic she sounded.
He laughed, “Yeah, I guess not.”
He really did like the feeling. The only other person he had ever gotten this close to was Lindsey, and he only ever felt brotherly love toward her.
He pulled her closer.
He could hear her heart speed up faster, and he felt shockingly thrilled. She pressed her face to his shoulder; he cautiously pressed his face in her hair.
Again he felt the sudden roar of her heart beats, and he chuckled aloud.
“What’s funny?” she asked.
Lie, you’ll freak her out.
“Your hair smells like rain,” he mumbled.
He reminded himself of one of those idiotic men in those movies Lindsey likes to watch. Always saying the most ridiculous things ever created. If he could see himself now, he would probably kick his own ass.
She laughed.
“Sorry, that was really stupid,” He apologized, which only made him feel more like a fool.
She looked up, making him have to move too.
“I don’t think it was stupid,” she said.
There now, she sounded perfectly sane. Why couldn’t he sound like that?
He smiled and shook his head. He released her except for her hand and walked to the wall and sat against it. She sat next to him.
God, she’s going to kill me
He pulled out a pack of smokes.
“No smoking!” She yelled, taking the pack away from him.
“Hey!” He yelled when she threw it across the room. He was really going to die now.
“If I can’t smoke, neither can you,” she said.
“You have to be the most dangerous hu—girl I have ever met!” He exclaimed. “First you have your brother track me down,”—she laughed, and so did he—“then you hug me.”
She laughed again, and it was so weird to hear it coming from her, the girl who looks like she’d break. He wanted to keep her laughing.
“And you’ve taken away my cigarettes.”
She hit him playfully.
‘Oh, now your beating me up, you are so nice,” he laughed.
She kept laughing and then leaned back against the wall.
“Maybe just one…” she suggested.
He nodded and got up to retrieve his cigarettes. He sat next to her and handed her one. She stuck it in her mouth. He smiled and pulled out his lighter, lit hers, then lit his own.
“Last one,” he said.
She nodded, exhaling smoke.
He closed his eyes, inhaling, and then exhaling.
“Tell me something about you,” she said.
He opened his eyes.
“Like what?” He asked.
And it really intrigued him. What did she want to know? How close would she get before he ran away again? How much was he willing to tell her?
“I don’t know,” she mused, “Your hobbies? Your likes and dislikes?”
He laughed, letting smoke leak out. “How do I know you’re not a stalker?”
She grinned.
“Alright,” he began. He kept it safe. “I like to draw or paint. I’m more of a ‘wait till the movie comes out’ kind of guy, though I enjoy reading. I prefer winter than summer, only because then my external matches how I feel internally, dead. I like vanilla ice cream and I hate it when people ruin a perfectly good ice cream by drowning it in chocolate. While you may disagree, I do appreciate music”—she rolled her eyes—“and, um, well I can’t swim?”
Rose laughed. “That was quite a lay out.”
He inhaled more smoke, it was going down. “your turn.”
“Ok,” she giggled, “I defiantly hate watching movies that are based off books because they always disappoint me. I, for one, love chocolate and can’t eat vanilla ice cream plain. I love to write. It doesn’t matter what, just as long as I get my thoughts out, because that’s the only why I really feel like I’m reaching people—,” he cut her off.
“What do you mean?” He asked, “About the last part?”
She sighed and looked at her cigarette, which was almost gone. He sighed and handed her another one and a lighter. She smiled and lit the second one.
“Well I’ve always been really shy when it comes from talking, I think I get that from my father because my mom is so outgoing. Anyway, it was really Kyle’s idea. He said that I’m too intelligent to not speak my mind, and so he gave me a journal. He said that if I wouldn’t tell the world my ideas, I owed it to myself to at least write them down. Anyway, I began to write in that journal every day, twice a day sometimes”—Joel smiled at her—“And soon I started coming up with these fantasy ideas that were obviously not really important, but they fascinated me so much that I couldn’t ignore it. I began to write fantasy worlds that I eventually found myself escaping to when bad things happened.
“Kyle was the only one who noticed my ‘absence’ from everything. I caught him reading one of my stories once, and he said he liked them. Ever since then I kept writing, feeling that my ideas were finally getting out, even if they were make-believe.”
Joel caught his breath.
Not everything is make-believe.
“Tell me about your family,” She said.
He glanced at her, then got a second cigarette.
“I have a ‘sister’ named Lindsey and a ‘brother’ named Ryan.”
“Why did you say it like that? They aren’t your siblings?”
“Not blood related anyway,” he said, “but they’re like my family. Well, come to think of it, there all I have.”
Shouldn’t have told her that.
She cocked her head to the side. “Your parents?”
Lie.
“Dead,” he hissed.
Why couldn’t he lie to her, it was much safer than what he was doing. If he kept this up, she’d surly find out. It would be in her best interest if she was kept in the dark.
She froze.
“I’m sensing a pattern,” She whispered.
“Please don’t,” He begged her.
She looked down and put out the end of her cigarette. “ok.”
He stared at her, awed once again. Humans are a nosey species; it’s in their nature to ask questions, to protect themselves when all it does is hurt them. Yet, she subside her curiosity for his feelings.
“I don’t understand you,” he whispered.
She laughed, “Well didn’t I tell you?”
He sighed, “It’s not that I think you as a freak though.”
“I’m touched,” she said sarcastically.
“I mean, it’s just that you are so…so”—he struggled for the word that could define her—“unordinary.”
She laughed. “I like that word.”
He laughed too.
Then she was quiet. He looked at her and watched as she played with the ashes that were on the ground from her cigarette.
“What are you thinking about?” He asked, thirsty for more.
“My mom,” she said.
He had a hard time relating to human feelings, for he didn’t have a heart. He wished there was some way to cease her sadness she felt for her mother. Yes, he knew what loss felt like, he knew what hopelessness was, but he had never seen anyone just sit and wallow over it, it was maddening. How could you just sit and let the pain get the best of you, surely you could channel it out.
He hugged her closer, listening to the sudden race of her heart again.
“I’m sure she’s fine.”
“Do you promise?”
What a strange thing to say.
He didn’t know what to say to her. A promise may ease her worries for the time being, but what if her mother truly does dies, then what will she think of him.
“Joel?”
“I promise,” he breathed, wanting nothing but her pain to go away.
She snuggled closer to him and sighed, like his words really did comfort her. He shifted, so that her head was propped on his chest like a pillow.
* * * *
My eyes opened with a sand papery feeling.
I glanced around.
This isn’t my bedroom.
Then I realized that I wasn’t on my bed…. I was on Joel, my head was on his chest. It took me awhile to let all this sink in.
I sat up then stood. I walked back and forth, cursing silently to myself.
“Joel!” I hissed.
He didn’t move.
I groaned and shoved him.
“What the he—oh its you.”
` “its two in the flippen morning!” I yelled, “My uncle is probably calling the police!”
Joel got up. “Look, maybe not. Let me get you home.”
“Yeah,” I snapped.
Joel chuckled, for some reason he found my anger humorous.
We got in his Chevy and drove down the road.
“Cant you go any faster!” I growled.
Joel smirked and slowed to twenty.
“oh very mature,” I hissed.
“Relax,” he said, “play with the radio.”
He went back to his regular speed.
“God, I need a cigarette,” I sighed.
“Nope, we quit last night,” he said.
“just one?” I pleaded.
“And just like last night, one will turn to two. No.”
We got to the apartment buildings longer than I had hoped for. I didn’t wait for Joel to stop the car, I jumped out and went to the door.
“Crap it!” I yelled when I realized I didn’t grab my key last night.
Joel laughed next to me. “Here.” He handed me a card.
“What the heck do I do with this?” I demanded.
He rolled his eyes and stuck it between the door and the wall. “God, you act as if you’ve never watch TV.”
The door released and we ran up to my apartment. He did the same for that door as well.
“Thanks,” I whispered.
“See you later.” And then he was gone.
I quietly walked in and shut the door behind me. Then I crept silently to my room. No harm was done.
Once all the way inside my room, I sighed and collapsed on my bed.
I grabbed my phone, ready to call Joel and tell him I wasn’t in any trouble when I saw that I had a missed call.
“Rose its Kyle. I don’t know where you would be at one in the morning and on a school night, hopefully not with that loser,” Kyle said, his voice monotone, “Um…Rose…mom died.”
I dropped the phone and stared blankly at the wall while Kyle kept talking on the phone.
They say fear is just a part of our imagination; it’s just something our mind does to trick ourselves. To me, being out of control is fear. Just like I had no control over my mother’s life…or death. And who ever said fear was just part of our minds, they don’t know what they're talking about. Fear isn’t imaginary, its insanity—no, its more, its real.