Life Is the Medicine

“Oh, God.”

“Please, Sakura works just fine.”

The blonde boy in question whimpered even more, which sounded more like a gargle. “Shut up, Naruto, or I’ll remove your tonsils.” She sent a jolt of chakra through his mouth, only to pinch his tongue once he started to choke on his giggles. He went silent while Sakura continued to stitch up his wounded gum.

“Sahora?”

She ignored him. “Hat ha honsils?” He squirmed around in his seat, when the pink-haired medic stopped her ministrations.

“Last warning,” she grumbled, removing yet another bloody gauze from his mouth. “Remind me, Naruto, just how did you slice your gum so deeply?” She sighed exasperated, removing her hand from his mouth. Naruto did not answer. “Wait a minute, is that…” she squinted her eyes and learned forward, dislodging something incredibly puny in-between his teeth. “Is this a piece of chopstick?”

“Don’t look at me like that!” The blonde squealed urgently. “It hurt. Like, a lot. And it was sharp.” He emphasized his point by sticking a finger into his mouth and prodding the scarred tissue. Sakura wasn’t sure if she wanted to laugh at him or just downright kick him out of her office – through the window. She decided to gently grab his wrist and tug his hand away from his mouth.

“Fine, fine. A sharp chopstick,” she sighed exasperated. “Of all things, just, how does a chopstick cause so much…? Forget it. And yes, you’re going to clean all of this.” She kicked a nearby gauze. “You pretty much rammed that chopstick into your bone. Believe me, Naruto, you’re the only ninja I’ve ever had to treat for a chopstick injury.”

“It was sharp!” He pressed, trying to save whatever was left of his wounded dignity.

Sakura scoffed and turned to her desk, jutting down some medical notes on her notebook. “Sure, and my hair is blue. Hey Sai, come on in.” She looked up and turned around, smiling at her teammate.

“How did Naruto’s tooth operation go?”

“What opera-” she breathed in deeply. “Just peachy, Sai.”

“Your sarcasm has improved greatly, Sakura.”

“So, you did read that book regarding pleasantries. For all that is sacred, Naruto, stop gawking and clean up.” She lightly shoved him with her sandal. Sai ignored Naruto’s pleas.

“Yes, females have responded well to this treatment.” Oh, only Sai, referring to human interactions as some kind of scientific experiment to toy with. Not like he was wrong or anything.

He glanced down at Naruto, blinking twice before voicing his confusion. “I thought women didn’t like to be lied to.”

Sakura grinned. “It all depends on the situation. Really, just think of it as lying for their sake.” She hauled a box of files onto her desk. “Like, telling them what they want to- No clones!”

“Hear?” Sai offered, completely oblivious to Sakura’s snarl and Naruto’s whimper. “I still don’t understand how lying to someone can have a positive result.” The artist looked contemplative, and Sakura felt her heart soar. He was actually showing an emotion, and her eagerness was more than evident.

“Well, Sai, let’s look at it this way – Holy shit, what are you doing?!”

Sai blinked. “I believe Naruto just ate your lunch sandwich.”

The blonde looked up innocently, the back of his hand sloppily rubbing off some left-over mustard from his lips. He swallowed hard, nearly choking on the process. He looked terrified, yet confused. “Uh… I didn’t eat breakfast and… Wait, since when do you eat lunch?”

Sakura grabbed her head and clenched her teeth, grumbling incoherent insults to some apparent god that hated her with deep passion. “That’s. It.” She took in a deep breath and buried her face into the palm of her hand, continuing her tirade of muttered curses. She stopped mumbling and looked up, livid eyes boring into the horrified look on Naruto’s face.

“I swear on the First Hokage’s name I am going to eat you alive and remove your di- Heeey Lee!” Sai was pressed against a wall, giving Sakura an apprehensive stare, while Naruto cowered underneath her desk. Lee looked absolutely up-beat and clueless, as per usual.

“Sakura! Your radiant beauty is astounding as ever!” He gave her a champion’s smile, his teeth most likely capable of producing their own light source. Sakura felt her eyes advert away from his blinding smile. “I see, you and your teammates are having a youthful bonding reunion.” Sakura simply glanced at cowering Naruto and mute Sai. She decided that nodding along would work.

“I’m here to retrieve my medical file.” Lee gave her another dashing smile, while Sakura wondered just how the fuck he managed to sound so chipper and up-beat the whole time. She simply tightened her tiny smile and turned around, clapping her hands and cracking her knuckles, momentarily forgetting about those two idiots that decided to storm in her office at a bad moment.

“Okay, I can do that,” she reassured herself softly, her smile exploding into a full-blown grin. “Okay.” She snatched a file from her neat desk, pivoting to Lee with her maniacal smile. “Lee, would you mind waiting outside?” She grounded out through gritted teeth. “My teammates and I need more… bonding time.” Her grin was more strained at this. “It’ll take - just!” she reached to her right to grab a terrified Naruto before he could flee.

“Just a minute.”

“Of course, Sakura,” Lee chirped happily. “It is excellent to see such companionship love!” He punched the air with jovial energy, and Sakura started to debate which idiot she should punch first. She informed Lee, again, that it’d take just a second, and if he could please get out. He gladly complied, standing outside the door before turning around and smiling at her. Again.

“I do hope you have a-”

She closed the door. Or, more like, slammed it closed. She wondered just how angry Tsunade would be when she informed her that another mysterious crack appeared on her office walls’. It had to be the tenth, the last time being induced by a very inebriated Nara. She never wanted to repeat that experience. It was a miracle there was something left standing. She never did think that Shikamaru would be so susceptible to tequila and-

-And those idiots were gone.

Sakura scanned the room, noticing with much horror just what a mess they (as in Naruto) made in their hasty escape. There wasn’t anywhere they could’ve used to get out. Unless, of course, they broke her office’s window. She felt herself scoff at the prospect. They’d never do that, knowing all too well just what kind of demonic consequence lied on the other side. And, as she started to pick up the scattered papers, Sakura scowled and wondered why she felt like there was a small draft in the room.

She glanced at her window. “Must be- son-of-a-bitch.” Those assholes were going to wish they never developed a male reproductive system. She was going to rip off their balls and shove them down each-other’s throats and pierce their nipples. That window had cost her two missions and a fuck load of begging to get. Damn it. Didn’t they teach the value of appreciation in the Ninja Academy?

“Oh, God, what now?”

She moaned quietly, glancing at her door with a steady glare, a dirty Inuzuka walking in. He looked positively apprehensive, glancing around with unease. His filthy appearance caused Sakura to frown. “What is it, Kiba?”

The tussled hair boy went rigid. They stayed silent for a whole minute, and Sakura started to feel her nerves fray at the ends. “Well?” She prompted urgently, looking over Kiba’s shoulder, only to spot an awkwardly seated Lee. He caught her gaze and immediately waved. Sakura shot her look back at Kiba, trying her hardest in not punching anything.

“I think I came at a bad time.” Kiba’s rushed words tumbled out, and Sakura’s irritation tripled. “I’ll just go… back… and I’ll come back later?”

“What? Ugh, close the door before Lee gets in.” Sakura scowled and crossed her arms. “You must be in a serious mess to- Dear god, let me finish talking, Kiba. As I was saying, you must be in a serious mess to come here during the weekend. I know how you take your weekends seriously.” She raised an eyebrow as Kiba, again, started to look around.

“Look, I didn’t mean to intrude. I was just…” He ran his hands through his hair. Glancing at the closed door and back at Sakura’s face. “You’re not feeling well.”

At this, Sakura felt her scowl evaporate. “Excuse me?” She scoffed and turned towards her desk, “I believe that’s for me to say. Now, what’s up?”

Kiba’s nose curled. “Naruto’s fear stench is all over the place, and so is Lee’s youthful scent.” He sniffed indignantly at the air, giving the pink-haired woman a pointed look. She simply shrugged.

“In this office, lots of shit happens.” She waved her hand in a blasé way. “You better get used to it. Oh, stop with the sniffing already, it’s not that bad.” She crossed her arms. “Kiba, if you’re just going to sniff around, I’m going to have to kick you out, got that?” Kiba finally swallowed firmly, staring at Sakura with such desperate ridden eyes, that she felt all prior anger get replaced with acute concern.

“I think I’m pregnant.”

“Whu?”

A pregnant silence ensued, and Sakura was torn between laughing and screaming. She decided to keep her cool, but knew already that the Inuzuka could practically drink up her anger’s scent. “That’s biologically impossible, Kiba.” She sighed heavily. “Why do you think you’re pregnant anyway?”

The dog-nin shuffled around. “Uh, well. I don’t know. Pretty stupid, huh?” He laughed nervously, scratching the back of his neck. Sakura was not amused. Kiba’s smile was wiped clean off his face. “Honestly? Shino gave me this real bizarre ‘fertilizing plant’ in this tea, and I’ve been pissing like a pregnant lady. I mean, maybe my, uh, private love was fruitful?”

“Private lo- what?” Sakura stared at him bewildered. “You think you got yourself pregnant?” She couldn’t believe how high Kiba ranked in stupidity. Dear god.

“Shh!” The Inuzuka hissed, glancing around embarrassedly. “Don’t talk too loud! You know how ninja are, very nosy and shit. And whatever, I mean, I was just. Y’know, saying.” He was actually blushing, but his eyes were serious. “So… is that possible? I mean, just curiosity, I guess.”

“Oh my god, it’s so fucking obvious you skipped biology.” Sakura was nearing tears. Why did she have to put up with this? If only an intellectual being that wasn’t Neji, because he was a royal ass, could come visit her from time to time. Even Shikamaru proved himself to be rather shameful when inebriated. It was just frustrating. Goddamn it.

Kiba was still waiting.

Sakura was still wallowing in self-pity.

“Ugh. No. Kiba, you can’t get yourself pregnant.”

And that’s how she finished her shift at the hospital.