To Have Loved and Lost

Caroline Bennet sat on the floor of her living room, sifting through a box of DVDs.
Mark hadn’t spoken to her in nearly a month, and it was killing her. Every time Caroline caught his eye in the hallway, she looked for something there: regret, loneliness, a hint of anything to convince her he didn’t hate her. She found nothing. The only emotions she could detect were indifference and pity.
Caroline searched for an old dance recital video to laugh at and lift her depressed spirits—one from when she was maybe twelve and her troupe did an old school hip-hop to “Run DMC” would be perfect. Caroline thought of what she recalled of the dance and its ridiculous choreography, and already a small grin spread across her face.
As she unpacked the box of movies shoved in the corner, she came across one that made her pause. The front and back covers were littered with autographs of her friends. It was her grade eight video yearbook.
Thinking this a fair substitute for the dance recital, Caroline eagerly opened the case and popped the DVD into the player. She laughed as the collection of pictures appeared and vanished on the screen. So much could change in a year. While watching the video, however, Caroline had forgotten of a particular photo that would strengthen her misery instead of driving it away. She heard the first chords of the graduation song that accompanied pictures of the grade eight dinner and semi formal. Then, there it was in all its hideously ironic glory.
Hating the sight, Caroline fumbled around for the DVD remote to shut off the video. In her frantic attempt to turn it off, however, she’d accidentally made the slideshow freeze on the TV instead, resting on the image she resented.
All the pain of heartbreak came back as her eyes trailed across the screen. She took in her professionally styled hair, the beautiful dress she’d borrowed from her cousin, the matching corsage on her wrist and the smile on her lips. Then she took in the person standing shyly beside her who’d been her date and who’d given her the corsage. It was probably the first time in the eight years she’d known him that she’d seen him wear dress pants. He looked as handsome as ever in a red dress shirt and tie.
Caroline played through the night in her head, remembering how her friends had commented on her having such an attentive date. Mark Bacon, of all people, had followed her around like a puppy before the dance, had made sure with her friends beforehand that he had bought the right colour corsage, had gotten her drink for her at dinner and had even gone back to refill it after she’d accepted his offer and never left her side during the dance. Her friends’ dates barely spoke to them until dinner (when they had to be reminded to sit with them), had bought her friends white corsages to be on the safe side, laughed at Mark for being so polite and danced only a couple of dances with them the whole night.
Everyone was convinced that Mark liked Caroline back then, and maybe he did. Unfortunately, Caroline’s feelings for him hadn’t developed until the whole thing became a cruel joke for Mark’s awful older brother, John.
“I wish I could just take it all back,” Caroline said aloud. The pain she knew all too well spread from her chest, down her arms, to her hands and throughout the rest of her body. She was feeling her heart break all over again. When tears started flowing down her cheeks, Caroline grabbed the remote and threw it at the television, aiming straight for Mark’s face.
A tiny hand reached up and caught the remote. Before Caroline had time to question what had happened, a small cloud of sparkly dust cleared and a pixie hovered in mid-air, holding the controller, which was about the same size as her, in her miniature hand.
“What was that?” the sweet voice asked.
“What was what? What are you?” Caroline replied.
“What was it that you wished for?” the pixie elaborated. With a flick of her wand, the remote disappeared from her grasp and returned to its place next to Caroline. She now looked at the human impatiently, twirling her tiny wand.
Caroline, in shock of the creature before her, stammered her answer, “I...I wished I could take it all back.”
“Take what back?”
“E-everything. Everything that happened between me and Mark.”
The pixie, with a smirk, waved her wand again.
A bright light flashed before Caroline’s eyes. She could feel a tornado around her, whirring in her ears and making her shiver. She clamped her eyes shut and covered her ears with her hands. Then, the next minute, everything stopped, and all was still.
Caroline opened her eyes. She was in the lobby of her high school. The lights were out and music was blaring from some speakers set up in the gym. Valentine’s Day decorations hung from the ceiling and on the walls.
“Here’s your second chance,” whispered a tiny voice in Caroline’s ear.
Caroline, startled, searched for the pixie, but she was already gone.
Caroline knew exactly why her wish-granter had transported her back in time to this night. It was the events of the Valentine’s Day dance that initially began the downfall of her and Mark’s friendship.
“Hey, Care, are you coming?”
As she’d been reflecting, Caroline had failed to realize she was standing next to Mark himself. She glanced up at him shyly, and he smiled her favourite smile. For a moment she was under his spell. The last time he’d spoken to her, he’d rejected her and broken her heart. It felt good to see him now smiling at her and hearing him talk to her without his words leaving a sting. Nevertheless, Caroline finally came to her senses and knew what she had to do.
Up until the disastrous proceedings of the original dance, Mark and Caroline had been very close friends. They were the kind of friends who always greeted each other with a hug and who spent every minute of the day together. Unfortunately, John Bacon, Mark’s cruel older brother, had observed this. He noticed the way Caroline looked at Mark, the way he made her laugh, and the ever-present smile on her face when she was with him. John knew Caroline was in love. He also knew that his brother didn’t feel the same way.
The night of the Valentine’s Day dance, Mark had shown up drunk. When Mark was drunk, he didn’t show it. He didn’t slur his words, he didn’t speak nonsense and he didn’t do anything off-the-wall crazy. For these reasons, Caroline had never suspected anything unusual.
Mark had asked Caroline to dance, and Caroline, thrilled, had accepted. After the first song ended, Mark had stayed with Caroline for the second. Mark and Caroline danced song after song together, until Mark finally decided to take a break and get a drink from the water fountain.
This was when John had approached Caroline.
“Hey, Caroline, can I talk to you?” he asked.
“Sure.”
John pulled Caroline into a corner so they could have some privacy away from the crowd.
“Listen,” he said, “my brother really likes you. He’s crazy about you. He’s been dying to ask you out forever, but he’s scared you’ll reject him. Do my bro a favour, okay? I know you like him. Ask him out.”
Upon hearing this news, Caroline was ecstatic. She immediately rushed to find Mark. Her drunk, confused friend had agreed to go out with her without realizing what was going on. Caroline was on a cloud for the next three days.
When Mark returned to school on Monday, he was very puzzled by what everyone was saying about him and his new girlfriend. He couldn’t recall anything that had happened three nights ago. However, Caroline hadn’t picked up on her boyfriend’s confusion.
Mark told Caroline that night in an online message what had really happened. Caroline was not only hurt, but furious with Mark. This ended their friendship.
Nonetheless, soon enough, all Caroline’s feelings returned. In an attempt to re-construct their relationship, a frustrated Caroline blurted out these feelings straight to Mark’s face. This was when Mark rejected her, and Caroline’s heart was left beyond repair.
Caroline wouldn’t let this happen again.
“Mark, you look a little spaced out. Are you okay?”
“Yeah.”
“Your breath smells like alcohol. You’re drunk.”
“No, I’m not.”
“Yes, you are. Wait here, I’ll be right back.”
Caroline went off in search of John. When she found him, she informed him that his brother was drunk and should be driven home.
“Mark’s not drunk. He’s probably just acting weird around you because he likes you.”
“No, John, he’s drunk. You need to drive him home. I know what game you’re trying to play, but I’m not falling for your lies. I don’t even like Mark like that. Drive your brother home.”
John was stopped dead in his tracks. Realizing there was no point in arguing with Caroline, he agreed to take Mark home. In a few minutes, the Bacon brothers left.
Once again, Caroline was caught up in a whirling storm and blinding light as she was being transported through time. She arrived back at her home to find the pixie awaiting her expectantly.
All of a sudden, Caroline was aware of an intense pain once more that spread from her chest throughout the rest of her body. She caught the smirk on the face— of the pixie and screamed,
“Why are you doing this to me? Why are you torturing me with this pain again? I just fixed everything. My heart’s not supposed to be broken anymore!”
“Or is it?” answered the pixie. “Did you really fix everything? John never lied to you. He thought he was lying, but he wasn’t. Mark loved you. He was just very good at hiding it. You told John you didn’t have feelings for his brother. When Mark finally spoke to John about how he felt about you, John told him what you said. It broke his heart. You two still aren’t speaking to one another. Mark can’t stand to be around you anymore; it hurts him too much. You’re hurting now because I’ve told you this. Next time, be careful what you wish for.”
With that, the pixie vanished. Caroline now knew the answer to the age old question: Is it better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all? It was worse to have loved and lost—much, much worse.