Who She Wants To Be Is Completely Different Than Who She Is
Wants and Needs
She’s spunky, smart, relatively attractive and slightly fucked up. She separates herself from the people that care about her most. She spends her days and nights on the computer and rarely goes anywhere with her friends. She’s on Adderall and Paxil, she spends her days watching people walk by her, wondering what they are like. She wants to know how their grades are; she wants to see past the labels, but most of all, she just wants people to like her.
She’s a doormat. Need someone to copy off of? Need money? She’s got it, and if she doesn’t need it for something important, she’ll probably give it to you. Not that she doesn’t have limits, she isn’t going to give you 50$ or let you copy her term paper. At the same time though, she’s confrontational, and angry with her self. She doesn’t want to be the welcome sign she is, she wants peoples respect, she wants them to know that at one point, she’s going to burst and get sick of all the copying and borrowing. She knows she cant live like this, and even if she tries to be nice to everyone, there are still going to be people who hate her.
She doubts that some of the people she calls friends consider her a friend. She knows it’s more than likely they think she’s annoying. She’s never really confident that everyone she hangs out with likes her. She has a habit of blaming her ADD and elementary school years for some of her flaws. No one there liked her, not one person, and while it may seem like a small thing now, she and her friends know that it did have some effect on her. Anyone she’s close to knows the stories, the ones that sent her home crying everyday in 4th grade, the ones that cause her to hold grudges even more.
When she sees people from those K-4th grade years, she automatically holds something against them even if it has been a good 5 years. Some of them don’t even remember what they did. Those other that she remembers as being kind of nice just don’t talk to her. She wonders if it’s guilt or that they don’t think she’s changed.
She has changed though. Last year in 8th grade she was the arguer, the girl who threw papers on the floor when the teacher told her an answer was wrong because of her handwriting. She was the girl who cried when her teacher told her she couldn’t safety the kindergartners anymore because she was always late to let them out. She’s was the girl whose skin you knew you could get under.
This year though, she’s a different girl. She doesn’t argue with teachers, she doesn’t really get into big arguments with classmates, besides that one time she tried to punch that one kid, but that’s another story entirely. She thinks she’s learned to control her self, that or it’s just easier to deal with people when you aren’t with them the whole 8 hours of the school day. In the back of her head she knows that she could just as easily resort back to that over emotional girl who would lash out on anyone near her.
She likes to believe she has a lot of things going for her. She has dreams of modeling or acting or even being a comedian. But she also knows very well that she probably isn’t pretty enough, or that since she cant sing or dance that there probably wont be many acting jobs out there, or that she probably isn’t as funny as she thinks she is. At 14 years old she knows all to well the cruelties of the world.
She’s never had her heart broken either. Sure there were those crushes that didn’t like her back, but she knows that that’s not what a real heart break is. She’s been the one to break up with all her boyfriends, and sometimes she wonders if it was the smartest decision, there are two of them that she wont admit she regrets, but deep down inside she knows she does. It’s not like they did anything to deserve it either. She wants that kind fairy tale love she’s heard about from her friends, where they want to stay with their boyfriends for the rest of her life. Even if she knows she probably wont find it.
Really, all she wants is to know for sure that someone besides her family is there for her, and always will be. She wants to want to hang out with some body. She wants to be a social butterfly. She wants her friends to know she loves them, even if she doesn’t show it. In general she just wants to be someone completely different than who she is.
She’s a doormat. Need someone to copy off of? Need money? She’s got it, and if she doesn’t need it for something important, she’ll probably give it to you. Not that she doesn’t have limits, she isn’t going to give you 50$ or let you copy her term paper. At the same time though, she’s confrontational, and angry with her self. She doesn’t want to be the welcome sign she is, she wants peoples respect, she wants them to know that at one point, she’s going to burst and get sick of all the copying and borrowing. She knows she cant live like this, and even if she tries to be nice to everyone, there are still going to be people who hate her.
She doubts that some of the people she calls friends consider her a friend. She knows it’s more than likely they think she’s annoying. She’s never really confident that everyone she hangs out with likes her. She has a habit of blaming her ADD and elementary school years for some of her flaws. No one there liked her, not one person, and while it may seem like a small thing now, she and her friends know that it did have some effect on her. Anyone she’s close to knows the stories, the ones that sent her home crying everyday in 4th grade, the ones that cause her to hold grudges even more.
When she sees people from those K-4th grade years, she automatically holds something against them even if it has been a good 5 years. Some of them don’t even remember what they did. Those other that she remembers as being kind of nice just don’t talk to her. She wonders if it’s guilt or that they don’t think she’s changed.
She has changed though. Last year in 8th grade she was the arguer, the girl who threw papers on the floor when the teacher told her an answer was wrong because of her handwriting. She was the girl who cried when her teacher told her she couldn’t safety the kindergartners anymore because she was always late to let them out. She’s was the girl whose skin you knew you could get under.
This year though, she’s a different girl. She doesn’t argue with teachers, she doesn’t really get into big arguments with classmates, besides that one time she tried to punch that one kid, but that’s another story entirely. She thinks she’s learned to control her self, that or it’s just easier to deal with people when you aren’t with them the whole 8 hours of the school day. In the back of her head she knows that she could just as easily resort back to that over emotional girl who would lash out on anyone near her.
She likes to believe she has a lot of things going for her. She has dreams of modeling or acting or even being a comedian. But she also knows very well that she probably isn’t pretty enough, or that since she cant sing or dance that there probably wont be many acting jobs out there, or that she probably isn’t as funny as she thinks she is. At 14 years old she knows all to well the cruelties of the world.
She’s never had her heart broken either. Sure there were those crushes that didn’t like her back, but she knows that that’s not what a real heart break is. She’s been the one to break up with all her boyfriends, and sometimes she wonders if it was the smartest decision, there are two of them that she wont admit she regrets, but deep down inside she knows she does. It’s not like they did anything to deserve it either. She wants that kind fairy tale love she’s heard about from her friends, where they want to stay with their boyfriends for the rest of her life. Even if she knows she probably wont find it.
Really, all she wants is to know for sure that someone besides her family is there for her, and always will be. She wants to want to hang out with some body. She wants to be a social butterfly. She wants her friends to know she loves them, even if she doesn’t show it. In general she just wants to be someone completely different than who she is.
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This is very personal to me and it's basically just some thing I felt I needed to write.