Simple State Of Mind

I had never been a fan of parties, particularly parties where I was unable to recognized a single face amongst the hoards of people. Unfortunately, as I polished off the last glass of wine in the bottle I had been working on, this was exactly where I found myself. I dropped the empty wine bottle into the sink and made my way back into the large living room as I cradled my glass of wine.

Unofficially engaged to the captain of an NHL team, I would have assumed that it would have taken less than three years to be introduced to his team mates. Regardless of what I had expected from our near five year relationship, abandoned to fend for myself at the party Mike Richards had decided to throw was exactly where I had ended up. As the first of the guests had arrived Mike had introduced me, so I had names floating in my head, but no recollection of the faces they matched to.

Mike and I had been bordering on the idea of marriage, but I knew that Mike liked his commitment free lifestyle he had going on in Philadelphia far too much to exchange vows. I had assumed that Mike maybe would have at least mentioned me in the locker room, but the surprised looks on the faces of all the guests as the word girlfriend came out of Mike's mouth ended that assumption.

He was posing as the handsome, young bachelor in Philadelphia while I remained in the small town we had grown up in together, holding a steady job and looking over the private cottage he had built for the two of us.

When you're building a custom house to live in with the girl you talk about spending the rest of your life with, I would have thought that would mean coming to the realization that you had responsibilities in life. Mike obviously did not reciprocate this point of view.

Regardless of my resentment towards his lifestyle, I was here tonight to pose as the happy hostess. But as more guests began to arrive, I lost Mike in the crowd, no doubt personally welcoming every female who stepped foot into our house.

This was technically my first team function, since nearly every member of the 2009-2010 Philadelphia Flyers was scattered throughout the house. After having a Stanley Cup Championship so close they could practically taste it, the team was in need for a desperate unwind and the captain was quick to volunteer his Northern Ontario getaway.

I stayed on the outside of the crowd as I entered the living room, casually sipping on my glass. Our house was by no means small, so I was confused as to why everyone had decided to pack into one room, it only made the temperature inside the cottage-like oasis swelter. I pressed the back of my hand to my forehead to try and absorb the beads of moisture that were forming on my forehead without ruining my makeup.

The feeling of foundation on my face was uncomfortable since I was never one to wear makeup on a regular basis. First impressions were vital to me, however, so I sported a full face of makeup to meet the team and Mike's closest friends from Philadelphia. No one seemed to notice, and I faded to the background since I was no longer being dragged around the room on Mike's arm. As far as these guests were concerned, I was no one important. They didn't know me and they didn't care enough to question how I had been invited.

For all they knew, I was a town local who had decided to crash the party.

"I need more alcohol." I mumbled to myself, downing the rest of the wine in my glass.

I was just about to head back to the kitchen in search of another drink when my eyes caught Mike's for a moment from across the room. He offered me a smile before turning back to the conversation he was currently in. I left my wine glass on one of the many end tables throughout the room, preparing to make my way across the room to join Mike when I finally noticed who he was with.

He was surrounded by a flock of people, but it was obvious the busty blonde in front of him held his full attention. My feet froze in place, watching as she placed her hand against his chest as she let out a light laugh.

I knew for a fact Mike's jokes were never funny. No one actually laughed at them, except when girls were trying desperately to flirt with him.

More than anything I wanted to know why he would be spending his time in our house looking at other women. Were they nicer than I was? Were they prettier? Was I that blind that I was missing something?

It hurt to watch him smile down at a woman other than myself, but I had to calmly remind myself that there was nothing to be worried about. Guys flirted with anything that moved, it was just in their nature. I needed to accept this fact and get over it because I knew that Mike's friendly flirting was just that; friendly. His actions never went past that, and as harmless as it was it would still sting, but I knew Mike was a firm believer that cheating was unforgivable.

He was more than likely talking a big game to this eager girl, but even from across the room I could tell she wasn't listening. I repeated to myself in my head not to make a scene because Mike was always faithful, I would win this battle at the end of the night when she went home without him.

I ran a hand through my own limp dirty blonde hair, watching the voluptuous blonde from across the room who currently occupied Mike's attention. Her hair looked like it had been effortlessly curled, and the thick platinum highlights complementing her tan skin perfectly put my own ivory skin to shame. I silently wondered if the tan was natural, or as fake as her bulging chest when a hand appeared in front of my face, offering me a fresh glass of wine.

"If you keep scowling like that, your face might stay that way." The tall brunette leaning over me I recognized to be James van Riemsdyk noted from beside me, as I inspected the Chardonnay through the clear glass. "I didn't drug it or anything, if that's why you keep sniffing it."

"Just trying to judge how expensive your taste in wine is." I countered, taking my first sip of the white wine.

"Only the best for you, Lily." He raised his beer in acknowledgement to me as a smirk made it's way onto his young face. "Straight from Mike's private wine cellar downstairs."

"Rookie stealing from the captain already? Bold move." I managed to tear my eyes away from Mike from across the room for a moment to look over to James in time to watch him let out a hearty laugh.

"It's not like he's even going to notice." He paused for a moment to take a swig from his own beer. "Richie's been too busy chatting up every girl at this party."

I quickly downed the rest of my glass of wine as I let James' words sink in. I had been watching him getting friendly with every girl here, but when the truth was actually vocalized to me it stung to hear. I wasn't sure if it was James' words or the stomach full of fresh wine, but I suddenly felt queasy. Shoving my now empty glass back into James' hands I excused myself from the conversation and fled from the living room as fast as my legs would carry me. I was never one for making a scene, but my desperate shoving to escape from the torture of watching my boyfriend with other women began to turn heads as I finally reached the sanctuary of the empty foyer of the house.

As quickly as I caused the commotion in the packed living room, my presence was quickly forgotten as the partygoers turned their attention back to their drinks and the loud music that was flowing throughout the house. I had never been introduced as Mike's girlfriend to anyone here, so as far as they were concerned I was just some over intoxicated and emotional girl desperate for attention from the bachelor host of the evening.

I knew that it was a short walk down the private road Mike's house had been built on to a small beach on one of the numerous lakes located in Northern Ontario. It was almost like Mike's own private beach, once of the many reasons he had built his house where he had. I knew these things because I had been by his side three years ago when he bought the land, and I had been the loyal girlfriend who was there every night to listen to him as he vented out his frustrations over the contractor's being behind schedule on the construction.

I kicked off the black Christian Louboutin pumps that I had on, and pushed them into the large coat closet that I had personally designed by the front door. They had matched my outfit perfectly, a white Bohemian style tunic with a pair of tiny black shorts, but were not the most practical for walking in. The glasses of wine I had consumed told me that shoes were optional for my beach escape, there was no way I could risk ruining the priceless red soles of the heels Mike had bought me, so I headed out the front door and down the stone path towards the beach.

The further I made it down the dark road, the more I realized just how much I had drank. I didn't recall the road being so slanted and difficult to walk in a straight line on. I scowled at the dirt beneath my feet as I stumbled along until the dirt turned into cool sand. I stopped before I reached the water's edge and wiggled my toes in the cool sand. I closed my hazel eyes as I let my body rock back and forth, listening to the small waves wash up onto shore.

With my eyes shut tight, it felt like beach was starting to spin around me. The sound of footsteps behind me caused my eyes to snap back open and it wasn't long before Mike's voice filled my ears.

"Lily, what are you doing out here?"

"The sand is cold." I pointed out to him, but as I turned around slightly to face him I noticed he was wearing shoes and probably couldn't feel how refreshing it was to bury his feet in the sand. "And my body is too heavy for my legs to keep holding up." The last part came out muffled as I let myself crumble into the sand, curling up to face the water.

It wasn't long before I felt a hand gently rubbing my shoulder. "Let's get up and go back to the house." Mike whispered to me as he kneeled down behind me. When I shook my head, he let out a long sigh. "Please, Lily?"

"I'd rather watch the water than you flirting with other girls." Alcohol always made me over-emotional, but I didn't realize I was crying until I felt a tear land on the arm that was cradling my head.

A pair of arms picked me up, and I was about to protest that I didn't want to be taken back when Mike took a seat in the sand, pulling me down into his lap. We stared out at the water in silence together, his chin resting gently on my right shoulder. These were the moments that I enjoyed the most. The quiet moments between the two of us were what really mattered to me.

"I'm a guy, Lily." Mike spoke into my ear, wrapping his arms tighter around my waist. "I find women attractive, what can I do?"

"You could have been a little less obvious when you were picturing that bobble head of a blonde naked."

Mike's chest rumbled against my back as he let out a laugh that sounded like music to my ears. "We were talking about you, actually."

I wanted to roll my eyes at him, but all of the wine had just made me incredibly tired and I couldn't muster up the strength to do anything. "You've never smiled like that before while you were talking about me."

"You put yourself down too much, Lily." I could hear the frown in Mike's voice as he spoke. "Now what do you say we go back home now? I can kick everyone out and we can have some alone time finally."

My increased blood alcohol level offered me a false bravery as I shoved Mike roughly away from me just as he began to place light kisses at the base of my neck. I frantically crawled out of his lap and turned around to glare at him. "I think I need more than someone with such a simple one track mind."

"Lily, you're just being ridiculous right now."

"Don't tell me I'm being ridiculous!" I screeched out, shoving my index finger into his chest to emphasize my request. "It took how freaking long for you to bring me around the team? And then you didn't even introduce me! It's like your embarrassed of me because I'm not some super model."

"I am in no way embarrassed of you. Except maybe when you cause a drunken scene at our housewarming party. That's a little embarrassing."

I scowled at my boyfriend, but as I opened my mouth to protest he promptly cut me off.

"I can try harder, though, if you want me to. I'll bring you around the team, I'll fly you out to Philly as often as you want me to. If I wasn't committed to us, do you really think I would have spent three years of my life building your dream home for you up here?" I remained quiet as he spoke, unable to come up with anything even remotely intelligent to say. "Did you even notice that I made sure to include enough guest rooms for the three kids you always talk about having in the future?"

"No..." I mumbled, tracing patterns in the sand with my index finger as I refused to look up at Mike.

"I don't even know why I'm arguing with you when you're clearly drunk."

"Completely sober!" I protested, but my dragging out of slurred syllables spoke of my lack of sobriety for me.

Mike opened up his arms to motion for me to come closer so I crawled back into his lap, the two of us facing out towards the lake. "You know I love you, drunk or sober."

I hadn't realized how much wine I had actually consumed throughout the night until I closed my eyes, leaning my head against Mike's chest, my entire body began to tingle with alcohol induced warmth.

Mike wasn't perfect, but I had to be far from perfection as well considering I was a drunk emotional mess sitting on a beach in what was sure to be nearing the wee hours of the morning. At this point, however, I didn't care anymore. Mike's arms around me were the answer to my problems. The happiness and true love I had been searching for had been there all along; it wasn't a feeling like I had been expecting, but rather it was a state of mind that I had been overlooking. As his grip tightened around my waist from behind, I tried to soak up every detail of this moment in time, like the first ray of sunshine after the dreaded rainy season.