Fearless
Chapter 1
A little too late
Is just a little too long
Everything after
Means nothing at all
Matthew Charles Sanders paced back and forth across the livingroom floor. The thoughts in his head racing a mile a minute, he couldn't stop them, nobody could stop them. Especially him. Matt ran a shaky hand through his slicked back hair, collapsing onto the nearest piece of furniture. He looked up at the ceiling and prayed for composure, for empathy, for strength, for restraint. Restraint, he needed it badly; grown men don't cry, Matt did not cry. Fresh tears threatened to spill from his once radiant hazel-green tinted eyes. Matt fought for that composure, oh how hard he fought, but the battle was already lost as the first tears began their desent. With rage penetrating deep into his soul and fury written across his face, he swung a closed fist at the wall behind him. Knuckles meeting plaster, physical pain silencing his musings. Not long after, sleep consumed Matt's body as he fell into a dream-like state.
You waited too long to tell me you
Never really knew me at all
Fearless I wait here
On my own
"All that I am, all I've ever been is no longer what it was Matt. Don't you see that we're just kidding ourselves here?"
Matt watched Jason's perfectly plump lips move with each word he spoke, trying to make sense of what Jason meant. "I-I don't understand?"
"That is the point Matthew you never understand. Talking with you is less entertaining than watching a fish in captivity. Maybe you've become just like a little boy's pet fish; you live in your own little bubble and people try desperately to break through the glass blockade. They want to touch you, to know you and even though you're so close, you will always be out of reach."
"What does this mean, are you saying you want to leave me?"
"Yes Matthew, that is exactly what I am saying. I never feel the spark that was shared between us such a long time ago."
"Baby, please, let's just talk rationally about this; we can work it out. I love you." Matt placed his hand upon Jason's shoulder, Jason grimaced and brushed the hand away.
"We are talking right now and it's going nowhere fast, as per the usual. You're not the boy I thought you were Matt, I guess I never really knew you at all."
"But..."
"No but's, we're done here."
Matt latched on to Jason's hand, pleading with his eyes for Jason to stay. The older man simply shook his arm free, trudged to the front door and exited the house, the loud slam of the door ripping Matt out of his trance. Matt was all alone.
Gasping for air, Matt awoke from his dream. He sighed as he looked at his re-injured hand which had bled on his brand new sofa. For the past week, Matt's days have mostly consisted of these sad state of affairs. He would lay awake in bed at night, reflecting on his past, dissecting his life and wishing he were different. Matt would then get out of bed, drink whichever alcoholic beverage he stumbled upon first, sit down on the sofa and stare blankly at the lifeless television set in front of him. After a quick session with the television he'd let his thoughts get the best of him, followed by some sort of self-inflicted violence.
I'm hopeless
I'm tragic
I'm broken
I'm frantic
You're ruthless
You're manic
I need you like
Sadness
It has been three weeks since Jason walked out on Matt. Matt has never been more depressed in his life. He's no longer a prisoner of his own home, however when he does leave the house it is in search of a bar. He spends his nights drinking with people he doesn't know, and most likely will not remember in the morning. Matt doesn't drown out his sorrows with solely alcohol though, he's also taken a liking to promiscuous sex. In his opinion, one night stands are the new love; you get touched in all the right places and the dull ache in your chest is replaced by false feelings of love. The feelings don't last forever but in those few moments the pleasure outweighs the heartache. Matt doesn't need Jason when he's got his fail-proof bartering system: sex in exchange for free booze.
A little bit more
Is never nearly enough
If love is gone
Then it never was
It took me too long to figure
It out all by myself
Fearless I wait here
On my own
Matt woke up to the shrill sound of the telephone ringing in his ear. It had been a month since Jason and he broke up, in Matt's eyes he was now perfectly content with the downward spiral which was his life. He was finally over Jason and that was all that mattered. His friends and family had other opinions but they had agreed not to intervene unless absolutely necessary. Matt sat up, grabbing the phone simultaneously. Propping his head up on some pillow, he pressed the talk button.
"Hello?" Matt rasped.
"Matt, it's Jason."
Matt's heart stopped beating at the sound of his ex-lover's voice. "What do you want?" He asked cooly.
"Can I come over? I need to talk to you."
Matt glanced around quickly, noting how haphazard his house was. It was in no state to be seen by anyone other than Matt himself. He paused to gather his thoughts, sinking to the floor in the process. "I don't think that is a very good idea Jason. Afterall, you said it best yourself, I'm a shitty communicator."
"Matt, I didn't mean anything I said that day. I wasn't feeling myself and I took it out on you. I shouldn't have done that; I miss you baby, I still love you."
"I'm not your baby Jason, not anymore."
The older man sighed, "please just let me come and explain."
"Fine, you have ten minutes."
"Th-" Jason was cut off; Matt had hung up the phone.
I'm jaded
I'm jealous
I'm weakness
I'm sadness
You're fearless
Ferocious
Without you I'm
Happiness
Matt answered the door with a frown on his face, he ushered Jason in and told him to sit down. Matt towered over the older man, glaring down at him; he couldn't let his feelings of love, sadness and desire show. Jason stood up before encircling his arms around Matt's lean chest. Pressing his clothed erection into Matt's hip, Jason attached his lips to the younger man's. Matt moaned into the kiss but hastily broke away, pushing Jason back.
"Don't, we're not together anymore." Tears leaked from Matt's eyes. Tears of sadness, frustration, fear, and most of all anger.
"I came here to work things out; I want you back Matty."
"No, just get out of my house. I'm happy without you."
I won't sit here and wait
For you to do me harm
I guess that it's too late
Now I'll be on my way
Frustrated
I'm jaded
I'm jealous
I'm weakness
I'm sadness
You're fearless
Ferocious
Without you
I'm (happiness)
Jason turned to leave but Matt ran forward, pinning the older man to the wall behind him. With tears streaming down his face, Matt ferociously attacked Jason's plump lips with his own. Jason gasped in shock, wrapping his arms tightly around Matt's torso he smiled into the kiss. Matt threaded his fingers through Jason's raven locks, returning Jason's grin. Neither man dared to end the feverish kiss until their faces were flushed, and their chests heaving.
Hopeless
Tragic
Broken
Frantic
Ruthless
Manic
I need you like
Sadness
I'm wasted
I hate it
Frustrated
Jason stared deeply into Matt's warm hazel orbs, running his hands through the younger vocalist's hair. "I've missed you."
Matt's heart leaped into his throat as he choked out ,"the feelings are reciprocated."
A solitary tear cascaded down Jason's pleasantly pale complexion. "Love me?"
"I never dreamed of destroying the love I have for you. It could fill this whole house to spilling and still continue. Even after all of the hurtful things you said and did, I love you so much that being with you would ease my heartache. Only you can breathe the life back into this cage that I call a chest; when you left my heart went with you."
'I'm worthless, how could he ever love me as much as I do him?' Matt thought silently to himself.
Jason sobbed into Matt's chest, embracing his lover tighter than he ever had before. "I love you with all of the stars in the sky. You're perfect. There's no place I'd rather be than here by your side."
Frustrated
I'm worthless
You're perfect
I'm so complicated
Is just a little too long
Everything after
Means nothing at all
Matthew Charles Sanders paced back and forth across the livingroom floor. The thoughts in his head racing a mile a minute, he couldn't stop them, nobody could stop them. Especially him. Matt ran a shaky hand through his slicked back hair, collapsing onto the nearest piece of furniture. He looked up at the ceiling and prayed for composure, for empathy, for strength, for restraint. Restraint, he needed it badly; grown men don't cry, Matt did not cry. Fresh tears threatened to spill from his once radiant hazel-green tinted eyes. Matt fought for that composure, oh how hard he fought, but the battle was already lost as the first tears began their desent. With rage penetrating deep into his soul and fury written across his face, he swung a closed fist at the wall behind him. Knuckles meeting plaster, physical pain silencing his musings. Not long after, sleep consumed Matt's body as he fell into a dream-like state.
You waited too long to tell me you
Never really knew me at all
Fearless I wait here
On my own
"All that I am, all I've ever been is no longer what it was Matt. Don't you see that we're just kidding ourselves here?"
Matt watched Jason's perfectly plump lips move with each word he spoke, trying to make sense of what Jason meant. "I-I don't understand?"
"That is the point Matthew you never understand. Talking with you is less entertaining than watching a fish in captivity. Maybe you've become just like a little boy's pet fish; you live in your own little bubble and people try desperately to break through the glass blockade. They want to touch you, to know you and even though you're so close, you will always be out of reach."
"What does this mean, are you saying you want to leave me?"
"Yes Matthew, that is exactly what I am saying. I never feel the spark that was shared between us such a long time ago."
"Baby, please, let's just talk rationally about this; we can work it out. I love you." Matt placed his hand upon Jason's shoulder, Jason grimaced and brushed the hand away.
"We are talking right now and it's going nowhere fast, as per the usual. You're not the boy I thought you were Matt, I guess I never really knew you at all."
"But..."
"No but's, we're done here."
Matt latched on to Jason's hand, pleading with his eyes for Jason to stay. The older man simply shook his arm free, trudged to the front door and exited the house, the loud slam of the door ripping Matt out of his trance. Matt was all alone.
Gasping for air, Matt awoke from his dream. He sighed as he looked at his re-injured hand which had bled on his brand new sofa. For the past week, Matt's days have mostly consisted of these sad state of affairs. He would lay awake in bed at night, reflecting on his past, dissecting his life and wishing he were different. Matt would then get out of bed, drink whichever alcoholic beverage he stumbled upon first, sit down on the sofa and stare blankly at the lifeless television set in front of him. After a quick session with the television he'd let his thoughts get the best of him, followed by some sort of self-inflicted violence.
I'm hopeless
I'm tragic
I'm broken
I'm frantic
You're ruthless
You're manic
I need you like
Sadness
It has been three weeks since Jason walked out on Matt. Matt has never been more depressed in his life. He's no longer a prisoner of his own home, however when he does leave the house it is in search of a bar. He spends his nights drinking with people he doesn't know, and most likely will not remember in the morning. Matt doesn't drown out his sorrows with solely alcohol though, he's also taken a liking to promiscuous sex. In his opinion, one night stands are the new love; you get touched in all the right places and the dull ache in your chest is replaced by false feelings of love. The feelings don't last forever but in those few moments the pleasure outweighs the heartache. Matt doesn't need Jason when he's got his fail-proof bartering system: sex in exchange for free booze.
A little bit more
Is never nearly enough
If love is gone
Then it never was
It took me too long to figure
It out all by myself
Fearless I wait here
On my own
Matt woke up to the shrill sound of the telephone ringing in his ear. It had been a month since Jason and he broke up, in Matt's eyes he was now perfectly content with the downward spiral which was his life. He was finally over Jason and that was all that mattered. His friends and family had other opinions but they had agreed not to intervene unless absolutely necessary. Matt sat up, grabbing the phone simultaneously. Propping his head up on some pillow, he pressed the talk button.
"Hello?" Matt rasped.
"Matt, it's Jason."
Matt's heart stopped beating at the sound of his ex-lover's voice. "What do you want?" He asked cooly.
"Can I come over? I need to talk to you."
Matt glanced around quickly, noting how haphazard his house was. It was in no state to be seen by anyone other than Matt himself. He paused to gather his thoughts, sinking to the floor in the process. "I don't think that is a very good idea Jason. Afterall, you said it best yourself, I'm a shitty communicator."
"Matt, I didn't mean anything I said that day. I wasn't feeling myself and I took it out on you. I shouldn't have done that; I miss you baby, I still love you."
"I'm not your baby Jason, not anymore."
The older man sighed, "please just let me come and explain."
"Fine, you have ten minutes."
"Th-" Jason was cut off; Matt had hung up the phone.
I'm jaded
I'm jealous
I'm weakness
I'm sadness
You're fearless
Ferocious
Without you I'm
Happiness
Matt answered the door with a frown on his face, he ushered Jason in and told him to sit down. Matt towered over the older man, glaring down at him; he couldn't let his feelings of love, sadness and desire show. Jason stood up before encircling his arms around Matt's lean chest. Pressing his clothed erection into Matt's hip, Jason attached his lips to the younger man's. Matt moaned into the kiss but hastily broke away, pushing Jason back.
"Don't, we're not together anymore." Tears leaked from Matt's eyes. Tears of sadness, frustration, fear, and most of all anger.
"I came here to work things out; I want you back Matty."
"No, just get out of my house. I'm happy without you."
I won't sit here and wait
For you to do me harm
I guess that it's too late
Now I'll be on my way
Frustrated
I'm jaded
I'm jealous
I'm weakness
I'm sadness
You're fearless
Ferocious
Without you
I'm (happiness)
Jason turned to leave but Matt ran forward, pinning the older man to the wall behind him. With tears streaming down his face, Matt ferociously attacked Jason's plump lips with his own. Jason gasped in shock, wrapping his arms tightly around Matt's torso he smiled into the kiss. Matt threaded his fingers through Jason's raven locks, returning Jason's grin. Neither man dared to end the feverish kiss until their faces were flushed, and their chests heaving.
Hopeless
Tragic
Broken
Frantic
Ruthless
Manic
I need you like
Sadness
I'm wasted
I hate it
Frustrated
Jason stared deeply into Matt's warm hazel orbs, running his hands through the younger vocalist's hair. "I've missed you."
Matt's heart leaped into his throat as he choked out ,"the feelings are reciprocated."
A solitary tear cascaded down Jason's pleasantly pale complexion. "Love me?"
"I never dreamed of destroying the love I have for you. It could fill this whole house to spilling and still continue. Even after all of the hurtful things you said and did, I love you so much that being with you would ease my heartache. Only you can breathe the life back into this cage that I call a chest; when you left my heart went with you."
'I'm worthless, how could he ever love me as much as I do him?' Matt thought silently to himself.
Jason sobbed into Matt's chest, embracing his lover tighter than he ever had before. "I love you with all of the stars in the sky. You're perfect. There's no place I'd rather be than here by your side."
Frustrated
I'm worthless
You're perfect
I'm so complicated