Missing.

I sat there for such a long time, my head in my hands. All I could think was, “Oh god, oh god, it happened again...” over and over. My eyes had been shut since I’d sat down in the small armchair, situated in the dark corner of my bedroom. I had hoped that I would fall asleep in it, maybe I’d nod off and I wouldn’t have to deal with the aching pain that started in my chest and slowly began overwhelming my body. When I closed my eyes, though, she was there. Of course she was there, she was always somewhere in my mind, a constant reminder of what I’d done, of what I’d lost, of what I needed back in my life so desperately that the pain of her memory had become physical; made me sick and hurt so much that, sometimes, I couldn’t get out of bed.

“I swear to god, Zack, this is the last fucking time. If you ever call me her name – even so much as mention that name in this house, we’re through!” I hadn’t been listening to Gena’s nagging. I’d learned over time how to drown out the sound of her voice.

I finally lifted my head to find her finally pulling her naked body from the bed and hurriedly putting her clothes back on. It was an empty threat. She wouldn’t leave me no matter what horrible thing I’d done to her, and letting slip another woman’s name wasn’t nearly the worst I’d done to her.

I simply pulled my shoulders into a shrug and lazily nodded, muttering a weak, “Okay.”

The truth of the matter is that accidentally moaning Tiffany’s name and not hers hurt me far more than it did Gena. It was selfish and stupid and I knew it, but it was the honest to god truth. I’d already been having trouble dealing with the pain, the thoughts, the memories, but when things like that happened, it really brought to light the reality of how badly everything had gotten to me, and how little progress I’d made in my many attempts to let go.

She’d been babbling on and on about her extreme dislike of Tiffany for so long that I’d kind of forgotten that she was even there. Gena was wearing one of my dress shirts, pacing back and forth across the bedroom, and I’d been so lost inside of my mind that, though I was staring at her, her constant, repeated movements sort of blurred and, eventually, it was almost like she was invisible. It seemed like she was always invisible to me, though. She never really had a significant place inside of my head.

It was only when she crossed the line in her babbling that I snapped out of my thoughts.

“She’s a slut. That’s all she is. That dumb whore got knocked up right after you guys broke up, and it serves her right for taking what belongs to me. Did I mention how she introduced me to the father of her kid? I think all of us met the guy once and then he disappeared off the face of the earth. I don’t blame him; I wouldn’t want that bitch or her little demon spawn, either. I bet her kid is gonna grow up to be just as retarded as she is. She’ll be ugly, too. I’m sure her parents will be so proud when their daughter has her legs permanently spread and is giving –“

The rage I felt was beyond anything that had ever inhabited my body before. It felt like I was physically on fire. My head snapped in her direction, my eyes narrowing at her as my face contorted into an expression that I would only ever expect to see on the face of Satan, my hands clenching into fists as I rose from my seat and stood in front of her. I had never hated someone in the way that I hated her in that moment.

“You don’t talk about her like that. You don’t ever talk about her like that, nor are you allowed to talk about her daughter in that way. Fuck, you’re not allowed to talk about her daughter period. Do you understand that, Gena?” I asked through gritted teeth, my face heating up as my clenched fists shook. I would never hit her – I wouldn’t hit any woman – but I wanted to. More than anything, I wanted to strangle her and be done with her forever.
I turned away from her and walked into my closet, grabbing a pair of pants and a jacket to put on. I needed to get away from that house. I needed to get away from Gena.

She opened her mouth to speak, and I cut her off, “I’m going out, and if you have the balls to be here when I get back, don’t ask me where I went.” With that, I stormed out of the room and bounded down the stairs, grabbing a pair of my shoes near the front door and quickly slipping them on just before grabbing my keys and hastily making my way outside, slamming the door behind me.

--

I ended up driving around my neighborhood for a while, constantly driving in circles, coming past my house every few minutes, contemplating whether or not to go back inside. I was beginning to get restless, my thoughts constantly conflicting with each other and making my head hurt. So, pulling up to the stop sign at the end of the street for the sixth time, I pressed down on the brake pedal and closed my eyes for a moment, and there she was all over again.

Even though I’d opened my eyes again, it seemed like I’d fallen unconscious, only my body was still functioning – and, luckily, I’d maintained my motor skills. I didn’t seem consciously aware of most anything. Streets were blurred together, other cars didn’t seem to exist, signs went unnoticed, and my head was full of nothing. I wasn’t thinking, I wasn’t doing anything, it just seemed like I wasn’t really all there.

I wasn’t surprised when I ended up sitting in front of Tiffany’s house. I’d snapped out if it after fifteen minutes of sitting in the parked car, and I became very anxious, running a hand through my hair repeatedly, then scratching the back of my neck, and trying to wipe the sweat off of my palms. Her lights were on, and I kept seeing a shadow move from room to room, back and forth on the top floor. She was home, she was awake, and I could see her. I could see her and be alone with her and maybe I would be able to touch her or hold her. The thought was enough to get me out of the car and walking up to her door.

After knocking, I straightened myself up a little, biting on my lip as I shoved my hands into my pockets, awkwardly shifting my weight from foot to foot. It took a few minutes for her to answer the door, but when she did, she looked at me with a completely blank expression.

“Hi, Tiff,” I mumbled. She didn’t reply. I furrowed my brows, taking a moment to examine her. Her eyes were bloodshot, and without makeup, I could see the dark circles that had formed around her eyes. She looked…dead. She looked like she was rotting and fading away, and it confused me beyond recognition. She’d been so bright and cheerful the last time I’d seen her. I don’t understand what had changed. “Can I…come in?”

She merely nodded and waved me in, rubbing her temples. This brought back the same feeling of unease that I felt when I was watching her at my barbeque. She walked ahead of me, and I hesitantly trailed behind her, watching her every move. I was scared that she would fall over, she looked so fragile. I didn’t like seeing her like that, so weak and frail, and I couldn’t help but plague my mind with thoughts about why she was this way.

“What are you doing here, Zack? It’s two in the morning,” she finally spoke, looking at me from over her shoulder as we climbed her staircase. I shrugged, clearing my throat in an attempt to get rid of the lump that refused to go away.

“I don’t really know, I guess I wanted to see you and the baby, and I’m kind of fighting with Gena, so I just…needed to get away, I guess,” I sighed, following her into her bedroom. My lips pulled upward into a kind of weird, half smile type expression when I saw the crib sitting not too far away from her bed.

When she sat down on her bed, I took it upon myself to quietly walk over to the crib, peering down at the angelic infant sleeping inside of it. “She’s still so tiny, but she’s so beautiful. I mean, all babies are beautiful, but she’s just so perfect,” I whispered, a grin slowly taking over most of the space on my face. I was so fascinated with the baby that I couldn’t stop staring, but when I did finally bring myself to look up, my face dropped.

“Tiffany, what are those?” I asked, pointing at the pill bottle in her hand, then gesturing to the many, many more that sat atop her nightstand. She shrugged as she swallowed the pills, wiping at her mouth as she looked up at me with those big, overly-innocent looking eyes.

“Some of them are vitamins, some are for pain, and some of them are to help me sleep. I haven’t been getting any sleep at all, remember? The baby is keeping me awake every night. I think I mentioned that to you. And having Sarah really threw my body out of whack and I’m just in a lot of pain, so I need my pills.”

I sighed in relief. “You know, I could probably watch her while you get some rest if you think that would help.” I pushed my hands back into my pockets, my shoulders sort of rising a little. She shook her head and smiled at me, a really painful, tired looking smile that didn’t convince me that she could handle herself on her own.

“It’s okay, I’ll be fine. Thank you, though. I do really need to try to sleep while I have the chance. This is the first time I’ve gotten her to be quiet and sleep today. So maybe you could come see me tomorrow,” she said quietly, her eyes occasionally flicking toward the crib.

I grunted and pursed my lips, trying to refrain from saying anything to her. She was always so frustratingly independent, and she never listened to a word I said. She wouldn’t accept any help, no matter what kind of help it was. If she lost her home, she wouldn’t have let anyone offer her a place to stay.

She was stubborn, always had been, and it wasn’t going to change. Instead of mentioning anything to her, I simply nodded a goodbye, and she followed me downstairs and out the door, watching as I got into my car and pulled away.

The awful feeling of unease only worsened after I left.