Before You Say I Do

It was 9:22 at night, just three more minutes until he’d walk by. I run my hand through my blonde strands and take another sip of the disgusting wine. Just a reminder, I really don’t like this stuff. At twenty-four after I make my way outside, pretending to be more drunk than I actually was. At twenty-five after I lean against the wall, making sure my hair covers the majority of my face. And at that exact time I spot Adam walking down the sidewalk, hands in his pocket, head down. I take another reassuring sip of my wine and push myself up from leaning.

“Adam?” I ask innocently, “che ci fai qui? (what are you doing here?)” his head shoots up and I can feel his eyes on me, studying my every feature.

“Ti conosco? (do I know you?)” he asks. I look up then, meeting my brown eyes with his.

I smile, “no, according to you, you don’t.” I had taken my ring off before coming here, though it was still sitting safely in my pocket. “but then again, I don’t know you either.”

A flash of hurt crosses his face. “so I ask again, what are you doing here?” you could tell he was frozen, not knowing what to do or say. “well, since you don’t seem in the mood to talk, I guess I’ll get back to my hotel. Drinking really isn’t my thing anyways.” I step around him and get into the car I had parked at the end of the block.

When I drove past him, Adam was still standing there, shocked.

-----

There’s this site called experience project. It’s basically a blog site, a bunch of strangers gathered together sharing stories. I had made an account awhile back, as did Adam. I had found him on it one night and decided to add him as my friend. Though he didn’t know it was me and I liked to keep it that way. I haven’t been on the site for awhile, I don’t really know why, I just haven’t. But tonight, I thought it would be interesting to read his posts. Maybe it would give me a better insight to why he's choosing to do this.

--Posted under Can’t Forget—

It’s been six years since I met her at the club. She was outside flirting dangerously with a group of guys. What she doesn’t know is that I had been standing there, watching her and waiting for the best time to intervene. And she just thinks I came out of the blue. Her blonde hair was wavy, and when she laughed it echoed down the streets. The guys were becoming more aggressive and I took that as the time to sweep her off her drunken feet.

Since that summer I haven’t forgotten about the girl I fell in love with, and each year I walk by the same club hoping, dreaming, that I would get to see her one last time.

Tonight though, I walk by the club, head down, hands stuffed in pockets, and some girl calls my name. I looked up and it was her blonde hair, when she smiled it was her smile, and when she spoke, though it was Italian, it was her voice.

What did I do? I stood there, frozen. Not speaking a word. I’m engaged now, to a…girl, and it seems almost cheating to think of the woman I love. I can’t say I feel the same for my soon to be wife. Not at all. I actually kind of hate her.

I wonder though, if I was just imagining things. Was it really her, or just another blonde? Did she really call my name, or was that whole interaction in my head? Maybe I'm going crazy.

And why do I care anyways? She lied, she betrayed me, and didn’t chase after when I left. Obviously she never loved me the way I loved her.

The story made me cry slightly. The fact that he didn’t love Stephanie brought me new hope while the thought of him thinking I didn’t love him brought me pain. I decide to comment. Seeing as he didn't know it was me, why not?

— My parents always told me that when you love someone the most when you're able to let them go even if it's not what you want. Don't just assume that because she didn't chase after you, she doesn't love you.—

Within minutes there was a request from Adam (aka Lost in Love) to chat. Part of me was afraid to, afraid he would know it was me. But then I sucked it up and clicked 'accept'.

Lost in Love: So you're saying that even though she didn't care enough to stop me, she still loves me?

Rainy Day Girl: you're the one who left, not her.

Lost in Love: You can't blame me when you don't even know what happened.

Rainy Day Girl: Then enlighten me, what happened to make you leave?

The first thing that was going through my mind was how I should tell him it was me. Isn't that what go me to where I am now? Not telling him who I was. But then he wouldn't talk to me and I really needed this closure.

This was closure, right?

Lost in Love: Like I said in the story, I met a girl six years ago. She was just a tourist and left when the summer ended. About two years later I went to live with my best friend in Maine. I was kind of looking for the girl. While there my friends girlfriend stayed with us, and in time her best friend came. Her name was Juliana and though we didn’t hit it off instantly, we ended up falling in love in the six months we were together. At the wedding, my best friend and his girlfriends wedding, I saw this girl in the crowd that looked like a five year old version of my younger sister. I knew Juliana had a kid but didn’t think much past that. Until then. Turns out that not only had she lied about her identity, that she really was the girl I had been looking for all along, she also kept my child from me for four years. So I packed up that night and left. Well, after she came into my room and told me her side of things. But that didn’t change my choice, I was still pissed at her. Not taking a second glance back, I left. She didn’t chase me to the airport. She didn't call me, or email or do anything to try to contact me. It was just over.

Rainy Day Girl: I’m sorry about your situation, but I must wonder why you are blaming her on this. Sure she lied, don’t we all? And I’m sure she thought you would come back when you cooled off if you wanted to. Also, would you want to chase your love down when you don’t know if they’d reject you or not? Did you chase her down when she left the first summer?

Lost in Love: No, I did not. At that time I didn’t know what the relationship really was. I didn’t know if she thought of it as just a summer fling, or something more.

Rainy Day Girl: So you were afraid of rejection at the time. I don’t blame you, it’s a very scary thing. No one wants be told no. but it has to happen sometimes. Did you ever think that’s why she didn’t tell you who she was or that you had a kid? Because she was afraid you’d leave her the instant she did.

Lost in Love: I had already told her, after a pregnancy scare, that I would stick around even if she was pregnant.

Rainy Day Girl: And did you?

I wait a couple minutes for his reply but it doesn’t come. This didn't surprise me and I log out, closing my lap top before lying down on the bed. Sometimes I wonder how I get myself into these situations. Not only am I making a wedding cake for the man I love, I’m also giving him advice on our relationship. This seems really twisted.