The Only Hope for Me Is You
February 7th, 2011.
I woke up this morning to find that school had been canceled, yet again. I sighed. I’ve come to despise snow days, for several reasons. First of all, on days like this I can never manage to find anything productive to do with myself. Sit. Eat. Daydream. That’s all. When I get that bored, all I do is think, and in my situation that only brings bad things. Second of all, we’d been having a lot of snow days lately, and they were cutting into the remaining time I had to enjoy school with Kurtis.
He doesn’t enjoy school even with me there anyway most of the time, and can skip whenever he wants now, so odds are that I wouldn’t be having a good week anyway. Wouldn’t be the first time, definitely won’t be the last.
The rest of the day was relatively normal. I texted Kurtis most of the day, listened to music, played some Assassin’s Creed, and just laid around. Then, 2:30 rolled around and I remembered that his appointment with the surgeon was today. This automatically dropped my mood from previously fine to a dulled down ‘okay’. Even if doctor’s appointments aren’t for nerve-wracking things like test results, they still cause me to be anxious. And I mean really, ridiculously anxious. I have problems like that.
He left, and I waited for his text. In the mean time, I did my best to find ways to occupy my wandering mind and keep it from straying too far into the negative spectrum. A failed attempt, like always, but that’s just something that comes with being a chronic pessimist. Note to
self: cancer and pessimists don’t mix. They just don’t.
After a while my phone went off and I checked it. Once again, my heart plunged.
“Friday at 12:30.”
That’s all it said.
That means that this Friday I’ll be missing school if I can to go with him to his port surgery. Exactly two weeks from today he will start chemo again. Fucking wonderful. I can’t even put into words how much I am dreading this. Seeing my fiancé suffering for 3 days, while trying to maintain decent grades in school even though I’m incredibly sad and lonely?
Bad combo, once again.
And then I found out that he’s not going to school tomorrow, just because he found out that the chemo is going to start sooner than we had anticipated. I think that’s a bad reason to skip when you’re already missing the rest of the year, but it’s his choice. It just would have really helped me if he would have gone. He knows I wanted to make the best of the days he has left in school. Looks like tomorrow is another lonely day.
Every cloud has a silver lining? If that’s the case, I must have a defective cloud.
The day of the diagnosis he sent me this in a text:
"Well you keep me going, so you can't give up on me."
It's hard baby, but I won't. I promise.
He doesn’t enjoy school even with me there anyway most of the time, and can skip whenever he wants now, so odds are that I wouldn’t be having a good week anyway. Wouldn’t be the first time, definitely won’t be the last.
The rest of the day was relatively normal. I texted Kurtis most of the day, listened to music, played some Assassin’s Creed, and just laid around. Then, 2:30 rolled around and I remembered that his appointment with the surgeon was today. This automatically dropped my mood from previously fine to a dulled down ‘okay’. Even if doctor’s appointments aren’t for nerve-wracking things like test results, they still cause me to be anxious. And I mean really, ridiculously anxious. I have problems like that.
He left, and I waited for his text. In the mean time, I did my best to find ways to occupy my wandering mind and keep it from straying too far into the negative spectrum. A failed attempt, like always, but that’s just something that comes with being a chronic pessimist. Note to
self: cancer and pessimists don’t mix. They just don’t.
After a while my phone went off and I checked it. Once again, my heart plunged.
“Friday at 12:30.”
That’s all it said.
That means that this Friday I’ll be missing school if I can to go with him to his port surgery. Exactly two weeks from today he will start chemo again. Fucking wonderful. I can’t even put into words how much I am dreading this. Seeing my fiancé suffering for 3 days, while trying to maintain decent grades in school even though I’m incredibly sad and lonely?
Bad combo, once again.
And then I found out that he’s not going to school tomorrow, just because he found out that the chemo is going to start sooner than we had anticipated. I think that’s a bad reason to skip when you’re already missing the rest of the year, but it’s his choice. It just would have really helped me if he would have gone. He knows I wanted to make the best of the days he has left in school. Looks like tomorrow is another lonely day.
Every cloud has a silver lining? If that’s the case, I must have a defective cloud.
The day of the diagnosis he sent me this in a text:
"Well you keep me going, so you can't give up on me."
It's hard baby, but I won't. I promise.
♠ ♠ ♠
Another chapter.