Selfish Machines

"They asked me to tour with them," she said simply, like it wasn't the biggest news she had ever given to me. I stared at her for a few moments, studying her every feature. Her expression was rather vacant and I briefly wondered if she was at all excited by the prospect of traveling the World like she had always wanted to or if she was just using it as a vehicle to get the hell away from me.

"Tha's great," I nodded, although I wasn't excited in the least bit. I didn't even really bother to act excited.

"You don't sound like you think it's great," she pointed out, rummaging through her bra before pulling out a cigarette and a lighter. I was always amazed by her ability to store the most random items in her bra. She lit the cigarette and inhaled it deeply, still not bothering to even do so much as glance in my direction.

"Well I'm 'appy fer you," I shrugged. "But 's gonna suck not bein' able ta see you all tha time."

She laughed at this, and I wasn't sure if it was because she didn't believe me or for another one of her reasons that she backed up with her psycho babble bullshit but I knew it wouldn't be long before she told me. If I could count on one thing with her, it was that she always told me the complete truth. She never spared me my feelings. And I guess I was the same with her.

"That's real nice of you," she continued to laugh lightly as she twisted her mouth to the side and blew smoke out of it. She tossed her half smoked cigarette off the roof we were sitting on and we both watched it fall down to the ground, the spark bouncing once or twice before settling and eventually burning out. "I swear to god Tom, the only person you ever think about is your fucking self," she stated as she pushed herself to her feet and walked back across the roof to the window we had climbed through to get there. I threw my head back and sighed, already knowing this was a battle I was never going to win. I should have just given up there, already knowing this fact, but it wasn't in my blood to just go down without a fight. Especially when it came to Gemma.

I followed her back into the attic where she had since taken up residency on her bed. She was curled beneath a blanket her grandmother had knitted for her back when she was young; she brought it with her everywhere she went and I didn't doubt for a second she planned to bring it on tour with her. "Come on Gem, you know I didn't mean it like tha'," I sighed, my shoulders slumping down as I carefully sat at the edge of her bed. She turned around quickly in my direction and was glaring as soon as I saw her face. "Can you not look so fuckin' mental righ' now? You look like yer fixin' ta kill meh."

"Tom, I think you should probably leave now," she said, her voice deadpan.

"Gemma, you don't even give me a fuckin' second ta explain mehself!" I yelled, growing frustrated with her perpetual pity party. "You act like I'm the bad guy cause I'm gonna miss you an' you don't even fhink 'bout 'ow yer tha one only fhinkin' of 'erself righ' now," I snapped at her. She quirked her eyebrow and then sat up so she was now eyelevel with me. She was fairly close to me. Our knees were touching and I reckon that it was a closer distance than most people felt comfortable being involved in. Maybe I was imagining it all, the closeness I mean. Later events would completely disprove this thought but at the moment it was all that was on my mind. Well, that and the fact that I seemed to have rendered her speechless.

"I'm just trying to do something good for myself for once."

"Oh yeah, tourin' wiff a bunch of blokes in a band, sounds like a quality lifestyle choice righ' there," I rolled my eyes sarcastically.

"You'll end up doing the same thing," she shot back at me, distain lacing her tone.

"I'd be doin' it cause I love it, not cause I want ta get away," I glared.

"So what?" She countered, her glared likened to mine. "It's not like anyone really gives a fuck what I do with my life."

"Yeah yer so righ', cause me sittin' 'ere tellin' you I'll miss you don't mean shit, righ'?" I rolled my eyes at her. "Don't be so fuckin' overdramatic, Gem."

"Leave," she said, lowering her glare to the floor. I always knew the moment she no longer looked me in the eye was the moment she was done speaking to me. She had a way of just completely shutting down when she had enough. She was always the one who decided when the conversation was over.

"Whateva," I pushed myself off of her bed and made my way towards the door. "You'll miss me. Maybeh not tomorrow, an' maybeh not in a week, but you will," I informed her with one last hard look before walking out her bedroom door.

I didn't think she was making a mistake but I didn't agree with her decision. Or maybe it was just the fact that somewhere deep inside of me I was scared she'd go out, see the world, and forget all about me. The latter was a silly thought I'd never admit to anyone, not even her, but it was something I feared none the less. As much as everything about her existence rubbed me the wrong way, I had a terrible fear one day she'd be gone for good.

We were fucked. I really couldn't put it any other way. We were fucked.

Maybe we were always fucked. Maybe it happened somewhere in the middle and neither of us realized. Or maybe we let it happen to ourselves. I could say that maybe we were never meant to be, but I think we were. I'd like to think that everything happened for a reason, that everything we went through benefited us in some way.

Or maybe I just liked to think like that so I didn't make myself go mental.

I was just stepping out of her front door when I heard her footsteps tumbling down the stairs. I didn't even have a chance to fully turn around or say a thing before I felt her lips on mine, her fingers immediately rushing to my hair. I probably should have pushed her away right at that moment. Pushed her away and left, not bothering to turn back around. I would have saved myself a lot of pain. I would have probably saved myself a broken heart. I kissed her back instead, snaking my arms around her waist almost instantly and kissing her back with as much urgency as she was kissing me with.

"I miss you Tommy," she whispered, her swollen lips ghosting against my own lips as she spoke. I laughed lightly at her words.

"Told you," I smirked.