Selfish Machines

I never thought she would sleep with my best friend. Honestly, I didn't.

But when I came home after a night out with the guys, there she was, wrapped in my best friend's arms in nothing more than a pair of shorts and a bra. I was honestly speechless when I first saw them, and then I decided not to say anything. Well, at least not right at that moment.

I guess I hadn't realized how bad something like that would hurt until I actually saw it. And maybe that was because I never excepted it would happen. It all got me really thinking, actually. So much so that I barely slept at all that night, and considering my bunk was opposite of Matt's and one above, I had a good view of them all night. Every time she moved he would grip her tighter and she would sigh contently.

We were never like that. We never cuddled after sex. Actually, we rarely even slept in the same bed after it. And I guess it hurt my feelings to know there she was sleeping so soundly next to someone she had obviously fucked. Actually, it really hurt my fucking feelings. I was jealous. And maybe a little heartbroken. Because I know I treated Gemma like crap sometimes, but I cared a lot about the girl. Probably more than I ever should have, actually. She had meant more to me than any girl I had ever met. She had been there from the start and stuck with me through more bullshit than I thought two people could ever handle. And she was still here. And I knew she always would be.

"Would ya stop poutin'?" Sam asked the morning after I had found Gemma and Matt post sex.

"I'm not poutin'," I argued dully.

"Whatever ya say," he rolled his eyes. "Aye, do ya know where Gem is? Can't find 'er anywhere it seems."

"She's probably with Matt," I replied bitterly. Same raised an eyebrow when he heard the malice lacing my words and it was then I knew I shouldn't have said a thing.

"What's wrong, mate?"

"Nofhin'," I said quickly.

"Oh come off it," Sam rolld his eyes again. "Stop bein' a twat a tell me."

"Matt and Gemma fucked," I stated flatly. Sam's eyes immediately went wide and then he quickly looked down like he might have felt bad for even asking me.

I didn't want anyone to pity me. It wasn't like Gemma had cheated on me. We weren't dating. Hell, my "girlfriend" had flown over after tour and terrorized Gemma for a few days and she never said a thing about being upset about it. She had only been annoyed by Amy's personality, not by the fact she was my girlfriend. And here I was getting pissed she had sex with someone else. Albeit this person was my best mate and that made it a little different, but regardless, it was the same type of situation. And here Sam was giving me a sympathetic look like he felt sorry for me.

"Man, 'm sorry mate," he said, giving me a stiff pat on the back. I shrugged his hand off my shoulder and stood up.

"Don't be," I said stiffly. "'s fine. She can do what she wants, ya know? 's not like we're dating, yeah? She can fuck whoever she wants."

And with that I left because I knew I couldn't really stand there and lie anymore.

A bit later I found myself hanging in the back of the venue watching as Gemma stood around and laughed with Vegan, Matt, and Tom. They were each playing their own respective instrument, Gemma on the mic singing Cute Without the E by Taking Back Sunday, one of her all time favorite songs. Gemma had a decent voice and liked to sing pretty much all the time. In the shower, while cooking, cleaning, driving, walking, anything really. For me it was always oddly comforting to wake up to hear her singing lightly as she cleaned up around her room. And so I couldn't help but stop and stare because I couldn't remember the last time I had heard her sing.

Towards the end of the song she caught my eye and I immediately felt like a creep and made a swift exit out of the venue. I raced to my bunk and grabbed a blunt I had rolled a few days ago as well as a lighter. I already decided that I was taking a walk to a path of woods I had seen on the way to the venue where I would sit and smoke and just unwind. I had way too much on my mind and I wasn't used to being so wound up over Gemma. I hadn't realized she had been following me until I had already sparked up and took a seat on a rather large rock perfectly situated in a small clearing.

"Whaddya want?" I mumbled, the blunt dangling between my lips.

"Don't be like this," she urged quietly.

"Be like what?"

"I hate the silent treatment," she stated. "And I know you're pissed at me, but you have to believe me Tom, I didn't sleep with Matt."

"You honestly expect me to believe ya?" I scoffed.

"Yes," she said earnestly.

I laughed and shook my head. But I guess I shouldn't have. I mean, I had no reason not to trust every single thing that left her mouth. If Gemma told me the sky was actually purple I probably would have believed her simply because she had never told me a lie before. But I just couldn't find it in me to believe her. I couldn't unsee her and Matt tangled up in each other and it was all I saw when she was trying to tell me she hadn't slept with him.

"Why do you have to be like this Tom?" She snapped suddenly. I stared at her wide-eyed, surprised by her seemingly random outburst of anger. "How come every other time in your fucking life it's easy to tell me what a fucking whore I am and how much of a slut you think I am but right now you're just moping around like a fucking lost puppy?" She yelled. "Why the fuck can you just do what you do best so we can just go back to fucking being normal?"

"We're not normal!" I yelled. "You think we're normal? 'onestly? I can't even fucking believe you would sleep wiff me best fuckin' mate."

"Why?" She challenged, taking a step closer to me. "Because that's more like something you would do?" Her voice was dangerously low and full of venom, so much so it actually sent a slight shiver down my spine.

"Is there a problem back 'ere?"

The deep voice confused us both and we turned around my heart stopped in my chest. It was a fucking cop. And I was holding a lit blunt in my fingers. Instinctively I threw it to the ground without much other thought, but his eyes immediately followed by motions and he walked over to us quickly and picked the blunt off of the ground.

"Fuck," Gemma whispered under her breath, her eyes finding me for only a second as she glared.

"I'm gonna 'ave ta take ya two kids down to the station," the officer said sternly. "I'm sure ya two know better than this."

He used the walkie talkie on his shoulder and called for his partner just before he took a pair of handcuffs off the back of his belt. I groaned loudly and looked toward the sky, praying that somehow we would both get out of this easily. The officer handcuffed me and by the time he was done tightening them, his partner popped into the clearing and promptly handcuffed Gemma.

"You're a fucking moron Tom," she informed me as we were both brought back to the car. Once at the car we were both patted down and then shoved into the backseat while the officers wrote down all of our information. "I mean, you've done some pretty stupid things but this is by far the stupidest fucking thing you've ever done. I mean, who the fuck are we supposed to call? Do you really think anyone back at the venue is suitable enough to come pick us up? And there's no way we could call your parents, Bristol is like, three hours away from Sheffield," she ranted. She continued on and on about how stupid I was and how she didn't know how she was going to get us out of this mess when it finally dawned on me.
I mean, I guess I had known it all along but it was totally a movie moment in the sense that everything just became really clear and easy to understand.

"I love you," I blurted out.

Gemma was still in the middle of yelling at me when I said it, but my words made her stop in her tracks and just turn and stare at me, wide eyed. She looked surprised, and I guess I was too. But I was only surprised at how calm I felt. I had never told a girl I had loved her before but I always imagined it would be pretty nerve racking especially if I wasn't sure she felt the same; but that wasn't the case. I actually felt at ease, despite the horrible circumstances stacked against us.

Although I had never said it out loud, I was pretty confident in the fact that I was being completely honest when I told her I loved her. Gemma was the girl I had counted on, and the girl I knew I could always count on. She made me happy. And I guess seeing her with Matt like I had last night really made me realize we weren't just friends with benefits and we weren't meant to play the same games forever. It made me realize that maybe one day, if we both let it happen, we could be really happy together.

"What?" She asked incredulously.

"I love you," I shrugged. "I dunno, I guess it just felt right."

"You thought the best time to tell me you love me was after we got arrested?"

"You kids better be thinkin' 'bout who you wanna call when ya get back to the station," the officer said, climbing into the driver's seat. I glanced back over at Gemma who's eyes were closed as leaned back into her seat. She looked anything but happy.

Maybe it wasn't the best time to tell her I loved her.