Selfish Machines

It was funny, because most of the time people assumed my brother was the fuck up and I was the good, quiet one.

I wondered how quickly that would change their opinion of me if they saw how I had treated Gemma over the past few days.

The sight of Gemma standing in the middle of the bus looking so completely defeated made me feel like the biggest asshole to ever walk the planet. I had just completely ruined everything we had built up to. And for what? Some sleazy girl I had met a few hours prior? For a few quick minutes of pleasure and the risk of some gross STD?

I was an idiot.

I immediately ditched the girl and ran to where the Architects bus was parked. I didn't even get a chance to open the door when Sam stopped me. He had been smoking outside, leaning against the bus when he stuck his arm out in front of me.

"Not a good idea, mate," he said casually, blowing smoke out the side of his mouth.

"And why's that?" I asked agitatedly, breathing a heavy sigh through my nose.

"Ya fucked up," he shrugged. "She doesn't need you tryin' to talk to 'er right now."

"And 'ow the fuck would you know?" I snapped, slowly becoming more angry by the second.
How Sam thought he had any right to tell me what to do was beyond me.

"Listen mate," Sam began, dropping his cigarette to the ground and snubbing it out with his shoe. "Everyone watches ya fuck wiff this girl day after day, we all watch you treat 'er like shit and we all know she doesn't fuckin' deserve a second of it. But for some reason she keeps goin' back to ya, and you keep doin' the same fhing. So as of right now, we're protectin' 'er. We're stoppin' you from treatin' 'er like proper shit 'cause she can't seem to do it 'erself."

"You don't know anyfhin' about our relationship!" I growled at him. "Lemme on the fuckin' bus."

"I'm afraid 's you against the five of us," he said, eyeing me carefully. "And that's jus' our band, if you wanna add in the crew and the other bands, then I'd said yer pretty fucked."

"This is bullshit," I snarled.

"Yer our mate, but yer also wrong," he explained with a sigh. "We're jus' tryin' to do what's right."

"Fuck you," I spat as I retreated back to my own bus.

"Aye, what's wrong?" My brother questioned as I stomped back on the bus.

"Fuck off," I groaned.

---

I didn't want to get out of my bunk because I knew when I did I would have to face the reality not only of what I did to Gemma the night before, but the fact that by now everyone would know about it.

I knew Sam was right in telling me I would be fucked if I tried anything else with Gemma. Everyone thought of her as their younger sister, and everyone adored her. Because honestly, there was nothing not to like about Gemma. And once everyone found out what I had done I was sure no one was gonna want anything to do with me anymore.

That was something I rightfully deserved though. I was a complete asshole.

When I finally willed myself to get up I immediately felt everyone's eyes on me. I knew they were sizing me up, waiting for me to say something wrong so they could rip into me. And although I mostly agreed with them, I wasn't in the mood to get screamed at. The only thing that mattered was talking to Gemma and making everything right again.

I made myself a cup of coffee and sat down next to Vegan.

"Ya kno-"

"Don't," I quickly stopped him. "I know I'm a dick and all I want to do righ' now is finish this coffee and find Gemma, okay?"

"You realleh fhink ya should go and try to talk to 'er already?" He asked.

"Yes," I stated adamantly.

Everyone watched me carefully as I finished my coffee. Everyone watched me as I walked to the back lounge to get dressed. Everyone watched me as I walked back out front to finally go find Gemma. Everyone watched as I left the bus and gave them all the finger.

As I glanced at my phone for the time, I knew she'd most likely be helping with merch and so I started to walk towards Architects' bus. I safely dodged Tim and Dan and snuck over to where I saw the top of her head as she sorted through boxes.

"Gemma," I said softly, hoping not to scare her. She jumped anyway and turned around quickly, her eyes wide as she looked up at me. "Sorreh," I mumbled.

"What do ya want?" She asked meekly.

"To apologize," I explained. "I'm a proper dick, okay? I never should 'ave brought a girl back. I dunno what I was fhinkin', honestly...she wasn't worfh you gettin' hurt over. No one's worfh that."

She stared at me. She didn't yell. She didn't cry. She didn't say anything, actually. She just stared.

And slowly I started to feel uncomfortable. If I didn't feel like shit before, her stare alone made up for it. Gemma had always been around for comfort. When in doubt, I knew she'd always be there. And now, I felt like a stranger standing in front of her. A stranger she didn't like at all.

"Fuck Gemma, jus' say somefhin'!" I yelled, finally letting my frustration get the better of me.

"I dunno what to say," she shrugged, her voice meek. She sounded exhausted. I again felt like a total asshole. "I mean...we're done," she said finally.

At first I didn't react because I wasn't sure she was being serious. Gemma and I declared we were done with each other at least once a week. We got fed up easily and I didn't see this instance as any different than the rest. But there was something in the tone of her voice that told me otherwise. I chose to ignore it.

"Come on Gem," I laughed lightly. "I said I was sorreh, alrigh'? Jus'...let's get lunch or somefhin' and we can talk," I said, wrapping my arm around her shoulders.

"No Tom," she said sternly, pushing my arm away from her and taking a step back. I noticed a few bodies gathering around us, mostly likely to make sure things didn't get out of hand and to protect Gemma if need be. "You don't get it, we're really done this time. I told you the day you mean every horrible thing you say I'm not letting you come back. I'm done with being your doormat," she raised her voice slightly, but she still sounded tired. However, I knew she was angry and sincere in her words.

"Can't we jus' talk about this? I mean, you slept wiff me best friend and I was willing to forgive ya! I dunno why yer bein' so difficult, we always work things out," I tried to reason with her desperately, but my words were falling on deaf ears.

"I can't do this anymore Tom," she crossed her arms over her chest and shook her head. "It's not good for me. Or you, really. It's just...over."

She turned around and began to walk away, back towards the bus. I thought about it for a
split second as I briefly glanced around at all the eyes looking back at me; and then I did something I never did before.

I chased after her.