Selfish Machines

Before I was even able to step onto the bus, a hand wrapped around my wrist and pulled me towards them, my back quickly connecting with the bus.

"What the fuck Tom," I hissed at him.

"Jus' fuckin' listen to me! You won't listen to me," he yelled.

"There's nothing to listen to!" I yelled back.

"This isn't over," Tom said, his voice low. "'s not jus' gonna be over like this!"

"Yes it is!"

"But I love you Gemma!" He yelled.

He said it again. I love you. And for the first time in a really long time, I felt something. But it wasn't the feeling you would normally equate with someone telling you they love you. I think it was anger. I think I was just devastated. I think I didn't believe him.

I looked down at the ground, not willing to look him in the eye. He didn't seem to like that, because he grabbed my chin and forced me to look at him. His eyes were no longer pleading; instead anger filled his normally docile baby blues.

"What?" I spat at him.

"You love me too," he said, his voice dangerously low. I stayed silent. "Say it! Tell me you fucking love me, Gemma! I know you do!" He yelled. From the corner of my eye I saw Dan take a step towards us.

"No," I shook my head, my voice barely a murmur. "I don't."

"You're a fuckin' LIAR!"

And suddenly he was enraged. It was like slow motion then. All I could see was his right arm shift, and his closed fist rise slowly until it was directly in line with my face, I heard the shouts of our friends from behind him, I heard the pounding of their feet against the ground as they ran towards us, and then I felt the wind of his fist flying past my face, the sound of his fist crunching against the side of the bus.

He screamed out in pain, clutching his mangled hand and hunching over. Oliver ran to his side, grabbing his shoulders and leaning in close to talk to him. My knees buckled and Dan was there to scoop me up, his twin on my other side.

"Are ya okay, Gem?" Dan asked.

"Oh," was all I could say.

"I fhink she's in shock," Tom told his brother.

"What should we do?" Dan asked.

"Bring 'er back to the bus?"

"Guys, I'm right here," I said, pushing myself up to my feet. Dan and Tom exchanged glances as I looked towards where Tom was still clutching his hand, complete agony written on his face as Matt spoke into his cell phone, to what I assumed to be an ambulance.

"So are ya okay then?" Dan asked me again.

"Yeah," I nodded. Tom glanced up at me, our eyes locking for a brief second. I turned around and made my way onto the bus.

"Do ya need anyone?" Sam called after me.

"No," I answered softly.

Once inside my bunk I thought about how I knew Tom would never hit me. I was sure everyone else knew that as well. I could hear all the shouts outside though that told me otherwise. They were all genuinely concerned about my wellbeing. And they were all genuinely angry with Tom. I was the reason there were best friends screaming at each other
right now.

And it was all because I wouldn't admit that I loved Tom Sykes. And yeah, of course I loved him. How could I possibly keep letting him back into my life if I didn't love him? How could I let him treat me the way he did if I didn't love him? I had loved him for a long time now. But I was never okay with it because I knew he didn't feel the same. Even though he freely said he did now, I knew he felt otherwise.

He was under the impression he loved me, he didn't really mean it.

My breaths started to get deeper and uneven, my chest felt like it was being pressed on, my head felt light and dizzy. It was like I wanted to cry but my body didn't physically know how.
And then I heard the door to the bus open. And then Oliver's face was right next to mine.

"'re ya okay? He didn't hit ya, righ'?" He asked almost frantically.

"No," I shook my head. "And he didn't intend to."

"Sure looked tha' way," he snorted out a laugh.

I turned to him then, my face solemn, "You know he would never hit me."

Oliver looked down and didn't say anything for a while. I wondered if he really believed Tom's intention was to hurt me. I wondered if that's what everyone thought.

"I fhink 'e broke 'is 'and," Oliver suddenly said. "'e's on 'is way to the 'ospital now."

"I thought he had," I replied, reffering to the broken had in question. "It made a pretty gross cracking sound when it hit the bus," I added.

"Gemma, come on, ya can't be okay wiff this. I mean, ya almost got punched and Tom was bein' a proper dick oftherwise. 'ow are you not upset right now?"

"I dunno," I shrugged. "I'm emotionally separated from my life I guess."

"'s not normal," Oliver said in a small voice.

"Do you think Tom really loves me?" I asked him then, looking directly into his honey eyes. He looked startled at first but then his lips slowly spread into a tiny smile.

"I fhink 'e's an idiot," he responded. I cocked my head at his words, confused. He laughed and took that as a cue to elaborate. "I fhink ya love each ofher- there's no ofher explanation as to why you two keep goin' back to one anofher."

"I thought you'd say something like that," I said, looking forward again.

"So wha' does that mean?"

"It means I think I should go," I replied simply.

"Wha'? Gem, ya can't jus' leave," he tried to argue with me.

"I can't be here causing all of this trouble. You guys are supposed to have fun on tour, you don't need this drama. Everything is worse because I'm here- and I don't say that for pity. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me or feel like they need to protect me from the big bad Tom. It's stupid. I think I just need some time alone."

Oliver looked at me for a long time, trying to gauge my expression. But like always, I was blank. I was giving nothing away and I think that frustrated him more than anything.

"Who's gonna take your job?" He asked finally.

"I think Sheep can handle it, there's only a few days left of tour," I said. "I'll work something out."

Oliver sighed deeply, "When 're ya plannin' on leavin'?"

"Tonight."