Selfish Machines
cause i've broken bones for you, and for you only.
"It's weird being here alone," I said, glancing around the living room.
The big old house had always been big and it had always been old, and it had a rather small population of people living inside of it, but it had never felt so empty.
"You've got me," Tom said, smiling softly. He sat on the floor opposite of me, his legs crossed much like mine were.
It had only been a day since my grandfather's funeral, a total of four days since he had died. I hadn't been to the house since he passed, feeling awkward and lonely in the big old house without anyone there. I had been staying at the Sykes' home instead, sleeping next to Tom. Or rather, lying next to Tom while he slept. I'd get an hour or so a night but my mind had been somewhere else. I had been too occupied to sleep.
The only reason I had even come back to the big old house was because my grandfather's lawyer had called me the morning of his funeral to inform me everything that had been my grandfather's was now mine. The house, his car, his money. Everything. When my grandmother passed she had left everything to my grandfather, and when he passed he in turn left everything to me. The circle of life, I suppose.
I had always been relatively alone in my life, but after finally moving over to England my grandparents definitely filled the void I had been missing since childhood. They were the only family I had. The only people I knew would love me no matter what. The people who never did anything but love and care for me. And now they were gone.
I mean, I still had Tom. His family. The boys. But they could leave. I almost expected them to eventually anyway. In a few years when the band broke up. When Tom got sick of having me around. When the Ian and Carol decided I wasn't worth fixing anymore. But my grandparents....they had been my blood. My only blood. I had never known my father and I didn't care to know about where my mother currently was.
I was the only Wright left.
And that was depressing to think about.
"What're ya gonna do wiff it?" Tom asked, snapping me out of the trance I had fallen into. I glanced up and noticed he was looking around the house, staring at every last inch of the living room.
"With what?" I inquired.
"The big old house," he said, his eyes finding mine.
"Keep it," I replied without hesitation.
"Imagine 'ow much ya could make off it though," he continued on, his eyes once again wandering. "And add on all of the stuff inside of it," he shook his head in almost disbelief.
"You'd be proper rich, Gemma."
"I don't wanna be rich. I wanna keep the big old house."
He held eye contact for a while, like he was searching for a reason behind my words. When he couldn't find one, he began to shuffle closer to me until he was settled behind me, his arms tight around my waist as he pulled me against his chest tightly. His chin rested on my shoulder and he kissed my neck softly.
"'as a lot 'o memories, aye?" He asked softly.
I nodded.
"When we're bofh 'ome from tour we can live 'ere," he suddenly announced. "Jus' like we planned, alrigh'?"
I nodded again, a small smile finding my lips.
"Wanna help me go through my grandfather's stuff?" I asked softly. He nodded and pressed a kiss to my temple, letting his lips linger there for a few more seconds before we finally got up.
He was looking through a stack of my grandfather's old records when it dawned on me. He was just sitting in the middle of the floor cross legged, a serious look on his face. Maybe it was the way the light was shining through the windows. Or maybe it was the way his eyebrows were furrowed. Maybe it was the way his eyes were almost the brightest shade of blue I had ever seen them.
But maybe it was the fact he was the only one who had stuck around to help.
I was used to always taking care of Tom. And I was used to being treated like shit by Tom. But now here he was, helping me sift through the belongings of my now dead grandparents.
I wasn't sure if he knew how much it meant to me.
I was always very closed off when it came to my emotions. Especially bad ones. I usually just shut myself down, unwilling to let anyone know exactly how I felt. And so maybe Tom had no idea how much it killed me that my grandfather had died and left me all alone. Maybe he had no idea how much it mean to me that he was still here.
I loved him.
I really did.
I had known it for a while. But now I was sure.
I pushed myself off of the bed slowly and crouched down in front of him. Tom's blue eyes found mine almost immediately and he looked confused.
"What's up?" He asked.
I just smiled, grabbed his face, and kissed him. It was a hard kiss that nearly toppled him over but he kept his balance and wrapped his arms around me tightly, pulling me into him. He pulled away from me suddenly and my hands dropped from his face.
"Wha're ya doin'?" He asked softly.
"Kissing you," I stated obviously.
"Why?"
"You're the only one who's still here," I told him, my voice soft and serious. I didn't break eye contact with him; I wanted him to feel everything I was saying. "You're the only one who still cares, Tom. You have no idea what that means to me," I paused to clear my throat. My voice was cracking. Tom's grip on my hips tightened, his fingers dipping under my shirt and rubbing small circles on my hips. "You really don't," I shook my head. I swallowed hard.
I think he knew was I was trying to say. I think he knew what a big step this was for me. I didn't do this. I didn't say these types of things. I think he knew this was the closest I was ever doing to get to telling him I really cared about him, to telling him I loved him.
I bit my lip and kissed him shortly, pulling away only to pull my shirt over my head.
I wanted him to have all of me. He already had my whole heart; I wanted him to have my body as well. To me, sex was the only way I could fully express how much I cared for him without saying a word. I wasn’t a huge fan of the phrase “making love” but I couldn’t think of another way to describe exactly what I wanted to do with him at that moment.
"Gemma-" he started.
"Shh," I placed my finger on his lips.
"You're all I have," I murmured, my voice finally cracking. He smiled, his hand pushing up the back of my neck and his fingers threaded through my hair.
"I'll always be 'ere" he said softly, his thumb running along my jaw.
I smiled as he pulled my face down to his, kissing me softly.
When people asked me why I stayed with Tom, why I always gave him second chances, these are the moments I tried to refer back to. But no one ever understood. And I never expected them to. These moments only meant something if you felt them. These were the kind of moments you couldn't describe. The kind of moments I always came back for. The kind of feelings I was sure I would never share with another soul.
Tom Sykes was at times the bane of my existence, but right at that very moment he was all I wanted.
The big old house had always been big and it had always been old, and it had a rather small population of people living inside of it, but it had never felt so empty.
"You've got me," Tom said, smiling softly. He sat on the floor opposite of me, his legs crossed much like mine were.
It had only been a day since my grandfather's funeral, a total of four days since he had died. I hadn't been to the house since he passed, feeling awkward and lonely in the big old house without anyone there. I had been staying at the Sykes' home instead, sleeping next to Tom. Or rather, lying next to Tom while he slept. I'd get an hour or so a night but my mind had been somewhere else. I had been too occupied to sleep.
The only reason I had even come back to the big old house was because my grandfather's lawyer had called me the morning of his funeral to inform me everything that had been my grandfather's was now mine. The house, his car, his money. Everything. When my grandmother passed she had left everything to my grandfather, and when he passed he in turn left everything to me. The circle of life, I suppose.
I had always been relatively alone in my life, but after finally moving over to England my grandparents definitely filled the void I had been missing since childhood. They were the only family I had. The only people I knew would love me no matter what. The people who never did anything but love and care for me. And now they were gone.
I mean, I still had Tom. His family. The boys. But they could leave. I almost expected them to eventually anyway. In a few years when the band broke up. When Tom got sick of having me around. When the Ian and Carol decided I wasn't worth fixing anymore. But my grandparents....they had been my blood. My only blood. I had never known my father and I didn't care to know about where my mother currently was.
I was the only Wright left.
And that was depressing to think about.
"What're ya gonna do wiff it?" Tom asked, snapping me out of the trance I had fallen into. I glanced up and noticed he was looking around the house, staring at every last inch of the living room.
"With what?" I inquired.
"The big old house," he said, his eyes finding mine.
"Keep it," I replied without hesitation.
"Imagine 'ow much ya could make off it though," he continued on, his eyes once again wandering. "And add on all of the stuff inside of it," he shook his head in almost disbelief.
"You'd be proper rich, Gemma."
"I don't wanna be rich. I wanna keep the big old house."
He held eye contact for a while, like he was searching for a reason behind my words. When he couldn't find one, he began to shuffle closer to me until he was settled behind me, his arms tight around my waist as he pulled me against his chest tightly. His chin rested on my shoulder and he kissed my neck softly.
"'as a lot 'o memories, aye?" He asked softly.
I nodded.
"When we're bofh 'ome from tour we can live 'ere," he suddenly announced. "Jus' like we planned, alrigh'?"
I nodded again, a small smile finding my lips.
"Wanna help me go through my grandfather's stuff?" I asked softly. He nodded and pressed a kiss to my temple, letting his lips linger there for a few more seconds before we finally got up.
He was looking through a stack of my grandfather's old records when it dawned on me. He was just sitting in the middle of the floor cross legged, a serious look on his face. Maybe it was the way the light was shining through the windows. Or maybe it was the way his eyebrows were furrowed. Maybe it was the way his eyes were almost the brightest shade of blue I had ever seen them.
But maybe it was the fact he was the only one who had stuck around to help.
I was used to always taking care of Tom. And I was used to being treated like shit by Tom. But now here he was, helping me sift through the belongings of my now dead grandparents.
I wasn't sure if he knew how much it meant to me.
I was always very closed off when it came to my emotions. Especially bad ones. I usually just shut myself down, unwilling to let anyone know exactly how I felt. And so maybe Tom had no idea how much it killed me that my grandfather had died and left me all alone. Maybe he had no idea how much it mean to me that he was still here.
I loved him.
I really did.
I had known it for a while. But now I was sure.
I pushed myself off of the bed slowly and crouched down in front of him. Tom's blue eyes found mine almost immediately and he looked confused.
"What's up?" He asked.
I just smiled, grabbed his face, and kissed him. It was a hard kiss that nearly toppled him over but he kept his balance and wrapped his arms around me tightly, pulling me into him. He pulled away from me suddenly and my hands dropped from his face.
"Wha're ya doin'?" He asked softly.
"Kissing you," I stated obviously.
"Why?"
"You're the only one who's still here," I told him, my voice soft and serious. I didn't break eye contact with him; I wanted him to feel everything I was saying. "You're the only one who still cares, Tom. You have no idea what that means to me," I paused to clear my throat. My voice was cracking. Tom's grip on my hips tightened, his fingers dipping under my shirt and rubbing small circles on my hips. "You really don't," I shook my head. I swallowed hard.
I think he knew was I was trying to say. I think he knew what a big step this was for me. I didn't do this. I didn't say these types of things. I think he knew this was the closest I was ever doing to get to telling him I really cared about him, to telling him I loved him.
I bit my lip and kissed him shortly, pulling away only to pull my shirt over my head.
I wanted him to have all of me. He already had my whole heart; I wanted him to have my body as well. To me, sex was the only way I could fully express how much I cared for him without saying a word. I wasn’t a huge fan of the phrase “making love” but I couldn’t think of another way to describe exactly what I wanted to do with him at that moment.
"Gemma-" he started.
"Shh," I placed my finger on his lips.
"You're all I have," I murmured, my voice finally cracking. He smiled, his hand pushing up the back of my neck and his fingers threaded through my hair.
"I'll always be 'ere" he said softly, his thumb running along my jaw.
I smiled as he pulled my face down to his, kissing me softly.
When people asked me why I stayed with Tom, why I always gave him second chances, these are the moments I tried to refer back to. But no one ever understood. And I never expected them to. These moments only meant something if you felt them. These were the kind of moments you couldn't describe. The kind of moments I always came back for. The kind of feelings I was sure I would never share with another soul.
Tom Sykes was at times the bane of my existence, but right at that very moment he was all I wanted.
♠ ♠ ♠
I'm so sorry about this taking forever. These past few months have been really...difficult to say the least. So thanks for sticking with me.This story is really gonna start to get good. This whole chapter was a flashback not because it needed to fill space, but because I want you guys to understand why Gemma kept going back to Tom. Because I feel like it's easy to see what a dick he is right now. But just know they have a very lengthy past!
I'm so excited for the next few chapters. You'll really start to see reflections from both The Upsides and Selfish Machines in them.
Lemme know what you think!
xoxo