Selfish Machines

People only say "everything happens for a reason" when something bad happens.

"Everything happens for a reason" never leaves someone lips after you get engaged, or after you ace the most important test of your life. "Everything happens for a reason" is a line people use when your boyfriend breaks up with you and they want to make you feel better, "everything happens for a reason" is something people say after your cat dies.

So that's why I was pissed when Sam told me everything happens for a reason after telling me Tom had a new girlfriend. That's why his "words of wisdom" didn't make me feel any better, they only pissed me off.

"I don't even know why you care," he shrugged as he took another long pull of his beer. "'s not like you two get along anyway."

I glared at him and slammed my laptop shut and he raised an eyebrow at me. Dan walked in the room then and smiled widely, sensing the tension in the room. But Dan wasn't normal, so he found it hilarious.

"So I reckon you found out about Tom's new bird, eh?"

"You knew too?" I snapped at him.

"Love, everyone knew," he smiled stupidly.

"I'm glad you think this is so fucking funny Dan," I switched my glare to him.

"Well it is," he shrugged simply. "You two fuckin' fight all the fuckin' time and then you hate each ofher and then you have sex and then you love each ofher. 's not normal."

"You don't know shit, Dan."

"Oh right I've only known you for four years, I don't know shit."

"Fuck you both," I spat as I pushed myself off the couch and stormed out of the back lounge and towards the front of the bus.

During these types of days, my mind always involuntarily wandered back to the day I told Tom I'd be touring with Architects. The day he sarcastically told me touring with a bunch of dudes was a quality life choice. I had always resented him for saying that. I resented him then because I was an 18 year old who no one cared about with an opportunity of a life time and I resented him now because I knew he was right. It wasn't that I hated touring, but there were times I wished I listened to him, maybe given it a bit more thought.

“You know ‘s not gonna be that bad, right Gemma?” Tom asked me softly as he walked over and took the seat next to me on the couch. He leaned back into his seat and threw his arm over the couch behind me and placed his foot on top of his knee. “Don’t listen to my brother and Sam, they’re just bein’ twats.”

Tom Searle was the guitarist of Architects, Dan Searle’s twin brother, and the only guy on tour who wasn’t constantly ganging up on me. Sometimes I think it was because he felt bad for me, but I liked to pretend it was because he was a good person. Normally I wouldn’t have minded him trying to get me to feel better about things, but right at that very moment I would have turned down an inspirational speech from Martin Luther King Jr. I just wasn’t in the mood. Tom Sykes somehow had the ability to do that to me.

“Clearly,” I was what I finally mumbled as I raised my eyebrows, unimpressed by Tom’s pep talk.

“Tom’s bein’ a proper idiot as well though, apparently his new bird is completely daft,” he nudged me slightly in the ribs, an infectious stupid smile on his face that had me smiling right back. “And word on the street is, her tits aren’t nearly as big as yers.”

“Oh my god, Tom,” I rolled my eyes and laughed.

“Just tellin’ ya what I know Gem,” he smiled proudly, patting my shoulder a few times.

“It doesn’t mean going back home is going to be any easier now,” I whined. “And then it’s not even like I can get away from him once tour starts, he’s on the next fucking tour with us.”

“You worry too much, love,” Tom said simply. “This chick is tourin' wiff them in the States. I mean, I guess that mean he has a thing for American girls, seeing as you’re one too, but I can almost guarantee everyfhin' will change once you see each ofher again. And plus, we’re touring over here which means less American girls tryin’ to hop on his dick.”

Half of me knew this was very true. We were used to each other, I suppose. Comfortable, I guess. Safe, maybe. I guess it went without saying that it still hurt my feelings when Tom decided to get a girlfriend, even if I knew he wasn't very serious about it. The way he handled things just rubbed me the wrong way, and he knew exactly how to push my buttons.

"He's just such a dick, ya know?" I sighed deeply, letting my head fall back against Tom’s arm. "I feel like he just does this shit to piss me off."

“He probably does,” he said honestly. “You give him exactly the reaction he wants from you so he keeps doing it.”

I sighed deeply, “Am I home yet?” I asked meekly.

“Just about,” Tom said, glancing out the window quickly. “You sure you just don’t want to come back to Brighton with us until tour starts up again?”

“No,” I groaned. “I’ve gotta get back to the big old house,” I blew my bangs out of my eyes and sighed again. “And besides, I love putting myself in potentially emotionally draining situations.”

“That would be the only real explanation as to why you keep this up.”

The bus was in Sheffield about thirty minutes later and the next thing I knew I was dragging both of my huge suitcases behind me as I walked up the driveway to my house. I rummaged through my purse briefly before locating my key and once I was inside I flipped the lights on and glanced around with a long sigh. The big old house was just that, a big old house. I had given the house its name after it became my house in a way I would have rather not gotten it in.

I had spent every summer and holiday break over in England with my grandparents up until high school when I moved in with them full time. My home life back in America was never stable and my grandparents were the only other family I had besides my mother. I had been her only daughter and she had been my grandparents' only daughter as well. Which is why when they both passed away, they left their house and everything else they owned to me.

Suddenly I was 19 years old with an entire house to myself and because I traded in university for tour life I was barely in Sheffield, and when I was, I was stuck all alone in the big old house. I still had trouble adjusting to being there all by myself and the big old house sort of gave me the creeps. I probably should have been used to it by now, having lived there for a good portion of my life, but even though I was now 21 years old and should no longer be afraid of the dark or anything else that entailed being home alone, but the fact of the matter was I was scared. It was as simple as that.

I was scared and I missed Tom and I hated it.

There was no way in hell I thought he was telling the truth. I was almost 100% sure he was lying straight to my face. He was doing it to mock me, I was sure.

You see, my virginity had been a running joke between him and his friends for what seemed like forever. Having an almost entire male dominated group of friends left little grounds for me to ever have the majority. I was always outnumbered, which meant I was almost always wrong. And because I was the only virgin left, and because I was a girl, well, the jokes just wrote themselves.

There also was the fact Tom had been my first kiss due to rousing game of spin the bottle after Matt stole a bottle of Vodka from his parents’ liquor cabinet. It was in front of everyone, and we were both so much younger and everyone just thought it was hilarious.

So imagine my surprise when Tom told me he was still a virgin himself.

"You're such a little shit liar," I shook my head, unwilling to believe his claim. "You dated Kayla for like, a year."

"Doesn't mean I 'ad sex wiff 'er," he shrugged.

"So you're telling me you didn't have sex with Kayla Betts for a whole year?" I raised an eyebrow.

"Nope."

"And what about that Sasha chick at that one party?"

"Nope."

I stared at him for a long time, studying his every feature and trying to find another reason to believe his was lying. An eye twitch, a bead of sweat, anything. But he was perfectly calm and composed, and eventually I gave in.

"I can't believe it," I breathed. "You're such a jerk for letting everyone torture me!"

"I couldn't tell them," Tom immediately dismissed the idea. "I'd get ragged on more than you."

I rolled my eyes, "Whatever."

"But uh, I was fhinkin'..."

"About?" I inquired, my eyebrow raising yet again.

"Maybe we could, ya know...."

It was then his eyes started to dart around and then he coughed awkwardly and then suddenly everything made sense. Was he propositioning me? Was he asking to lose his virginity to me? And worse than that, was he asking for me to lose my virginity to him?

As far as I was concerned, there was nothing wrong with Tom. He was a cute kid and he was the only friend I had who was close to my age, making him slightly easier to relate to. But as far as I was concerned, simply relating to someone didn't give them the ok to be able to claim my virginity. If that were the case, I would have lost it a while ago.

And besides, I wasn't in a rush like everyone else seemed to be. Although people thought it was odd because I was apparently "cute" and according to Matt "very well endowed" and a sixteen year old virgin, I found nothing wrong with it. It didn't bother me the boys poked fun at me and it didn't bother me that there were boys who didn't even want to date me based on the sole fact I was a virgin. They weren't the kind of boys I wanted to date anyway.

"You want to have sex with me?" I finally asked him.

His blue eyes went wide as he frantically glanced around my bedroom, as if someone could hear me. Like my grandparents could hear from all the way downstairs anyway. They probably wouldn't have been able to hear if they were standing right outside the door, for that matter.

"Well, uh, I guess," he mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Why?" I asked flatly.

He looked pensive for a moment, trying to find the right words. I couldn't imagine this would be easy for him to explain. "It jus' makes sense," he finally shrugged.

"You just think I'm gonna have sex with you because 'it makes sense'? You're fucking kidding, right?"

"Gemma, jus' listen," he sighed, growing frustrated with me. I gave him a look that told him to go on, and he did just that. "I trust ya, an' ya trust me, yeah?" He asked. I nodded. "An' well...'s not like you 'ate me or anyfhin', an' I fhink yer cute," he fought off a blush. "So we should jus' do it. We can lose it ta someone we bofh trust an' ya won't get made fun of anymore an' I won't 'ave ta lie anymore."

The glare I had been throwing at him softened up considerably as his explanation went on. Call me a stupid sixteen year old virgin, but he had a point. I mean, although I had held out for so long I didn't see my virginity as a prize. It wasn't something I wanted to wait to give away to someone I loved because the idea just seemed so cliché and silly to me. I just wanted to wait until I found someone I was comfortable enough to do it with. And I was comfortable with Tom.

"I heard it hurts," I said. "Not for you, just for me."

"Oh," was all he said.

"So are you gonna be gentle?" I asked him softly, gripping my blanket in my hands carefully.

He looked completely shocked by this, his blue eyes shooting open to twice their normal size, "Yer realleh gonna do this?"

"Yeah, why not?" I shrugged.

He grinned widely and leaned forward to kiss me. It was a simple and soft kiss, lasting no more than a second or two. He pulled away and studied my face briefly before letting a soft press pass through his lips. "'re ya sure?" He murmured.

I just smiled and kissed him harder.

And that was the day I lost my virginity to Tom Sykes.

And that was also the first day Tom Sykes lied to me.