Selfish Machines

All of my life I craved normacly.

I liked routine. I liked knowing what was going to happen next. I liked being in control.

My life lacked all of the above.

Although tour did have a small amount of routine in it, I found that it became incresingly unpredictiable as the day wore on. After the set was over it was always complete chaos, wheter it be a bus or hotel party or just exploring whatever city we happened to be in that night, things were never the same twice. And as much as I adored traveling and hanging out with friends and not having a desk job, part of me always wondered how much longer I could do it. I was constantly told how lucky I was and yet I constantly found myself wishing I could just have a bit of a normal life.

It was very much like Tom to stay with me if we were ever in Sheffield at the same time. The big old house sort of irked me from time to time and being alone in such a big place always depressed me after being constantly surrounded by people for months at a time. Being home from tour was sort of a shock in that sense, you spend so much time on tour wishing for some alone time and then once you're home you find yourself whishing you were surrounded again. And as soon as you got used to one or the other, you were doing the opposite just as soon.

"She's not staying here, I hope you know that," I informed Tom the next morning at breakfast. He was sitting at the kitchen table fiddiling away on his laptop while I put on a pot of tea. I rolled my eyes when I turned around and looked at him, not surprised in the slightest bit that he wasn't paying attention but annoyed none the less. "So are you pretending to not hear me, or are you actually becoming deaf?"

"Wha'?" He asked, his eyes snapping up to me and genuinly confused look on his face.

I sighed, "Your girlfriend or whatever- she's not staying here."

"Yer gonna be okay alone 'ere? 's not like she's even stayin' tha' long, jus' four days."

"Would you stay here if I had a boyfriend living with me?" I raised a curious eyebrow at him.

He looked pensive for a moment before he replied with a quick, "No," and went right back to his computer.

Tom and I quickly accepted the fact us as a couple didn't work. It could never work between us because we were both just way too fucking insane when put together. However, that didn't stop us for being a bit...obessive when it came to the other's love life. We followed the rule "if I can't have you no one can" very closely. This is something we would never admit to each other outloud, but we cared a lot more than we actually said or showed.

I made us both a cup of tea and then grabbed a bowl of fresh fruit from the fridge, tossing two crossiants on the table as well. We ate in mostly silence, Tom still clicking away at his laptop and me reading an issue of Cosmo. I ocasionally lifted my eyes to glance at Tom and I always found myself smiling as his eyes darted across the screen. He was not doubt editing some sort of video for Bring Me the Horizon's tour blog and I thought it was so cute he took so much pride in it.

"What're you doing?" I asked him finally, scooting a bit closer to him. He scooted over as well, making room for me to sit right next to him.

"Editing a video of tha' las' nigh' of tour," he explained.

"Prank night," I grinned.

We watched a bit of footage together and laughed loudly when something ridiculous happened, which was more often than not. It felt good to be around Tom again, especially after such a long time apart and our little argument the night before. Slowly, I found my head drifting towards his shoulder and soon enough I was resting there rather comfortably.

"Hey," he said softly, catching my attention.

"Hmm?" I murmured, looking up at him lazily. He caught his lips with my own for a brief second, nothing more than a small peck, but certainly enough to make my head spin. "I told you I didn't want to be that girl," I told him softly.

"I wanted ta kiss ya since I saw you," he shrugged simply. "'s not a big deal, Gem."

"Just don't do it again," I warned, wagging my finger at him. As I went to go stand up from the chair and wash a few dishes, he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me down into his lap quickly.

"Or wha'?" He asked, his blue eyes shimmering with mischief.

I grinned, "Or I'll punish you or something..."

"Tha' doesn't sound 'alf bad," he smirked. I rolled my eyes and try to wriggle out of his grip, but eventually his lips found mine again and this kiss definitely wasn't as innocent and short as the first one. My hands immediately found my way into his short locks as his own hands pushed their way up my tank top. I shivered at the feeling of his fingers against my bare skin and I could feel him smirking, seemingly pleased with himself that he had that sort of effect on me. After quite some time and just as he was about to stick his hands down my panties I pulled away from him and stood up.

"Yer fuckin' evil," he laughed as I grabbed our dishes off the table and brought them over to the sink.

"That's what they all say," I smiled.

- - -

It was very like Matt to throw a party of sorts a few days after they arrived home from tour. It was like a welcome home party for himself. It consisted of the band and crew (those of which lived in the same area) and a flock of their friends from home. It was nothing too over the top as far as parties go, but most of the boys ended up passed out somewhere on the floor before the night was over.

Tom had left sometime in the late afternoon to go pick up his girlfriend, Amy, from the airport and until I left to go to Matt's, I wondered what she was like. I wondered if she was pretty, if she was funny, if she was nice. I hoped she wasn't anything of those things though. Her being an ugly horrible bitch would really only work in my favor. I dressed in one of my cutest outfits, just to spite him, making sure to show a lot of cleavage because Tom Searle had told me her tits were small. As soon as I got lonely again I drove over to Matt's flat. It was just him and Vegan there and I was thankful for that, I didn't feel like dealing with everyone just yet.

"Sup Gemma," Matt eyed me, his eyes focusing mainly on my chest. "Did you grow a bit since tha las' time I saw ya?"

"Nope," I smiled. "But I'm wearing a push-up bra to spite Tom."

"Aye, ya 'eard this bird's tits are small?" Vegan asked. "Cause 's not true they're...average."

"'e may be righ', but yer a C an' she's only like, a small B or somefhin'," Matt went onto explain. I raised an eyebrow and laughed as him and Vegan went back and forth about the size of this girl's tits and suddenly I felt better about the whole situation. This girl may have been pretty and hell, maybe she was funny too, but I had better tits and Tom's friends liked me a lot more than they'd ever like her. And trust me, that meant a lot more to me than you would have thought.

I was already fairly tipsy by the time people started to arrive at Matt's. And by the time Tom and his new girl finally showed up I was fairly wasted. I blamed that completely on Matt and Vegan and the fact they were both forcing shots of god knows what on me. I was more than willing to take them though and I had come down to two final decisions as to why that was; the first one was Tom was bringing his girlfriend over and the second one was because Tom was bringing his girlfriend over. The only other thing I knew besides the fact I was pissed off because I had to meet her was that I was drunk. And that was never a good thing.

I was leaning up against Lee when Tom finally found me through the small crowd. When I realized it was Tom walking towards me I immediately straightened up and pushed my chest out. Lee laughed as I swiped my fingers under my eyes to make sure none of my make-up had run and continued to laugh when I asked him if my hair looked okay.

"Even when yer drunk ya still know 'ow ta fix yerself up, aye?" He smiled playfully as he took a sip of the beer he had been holding at his side.

"You didn't answer my question," I hissed, glancing over my shoulder only to realize Tom was standing right behind me. "Oh hey," I spun around quickly to face him. When I stopped spinning the world didn't and I just closed my eyes and prayed I didn't projectile vomit all over Tom or his new girl. Well actually, making puking on her wouldn't be the worst thing in the world...

"Hey Gemma," he smiled brightly, seemingly unaware of how inebriated I actually was. "This is Amy," he gestured towards the tiny girl with pink and white hair standing next to him. "Amy this is Gemma, one of me best mates," he introduced us.

I leaned forward slightly, because I was drunk and couldn't see straight, and then smiled, completely dazed. "Hi," I grinned.

"I've heard a lot about you," Amy smiled. I rolled my eyes, even though she was standing right in front of me. "You're uh...American too I hear?" She asked, a slight hint of confusion in her voice. However, I was too drunk to notice. And frankly, I didn't really care. "How did you end up over here then?"

"Never met my dad and I'm pretty sure my mom's in jail now. Or maybe dead...or something..." I shrugged. Tom's blue eyes practically bulged out of his eye and I heard Lee stifle a laugh from beside me. I knew he wasn't laughing at what I said though, but more at how I said it. Normally I didn't exactly let strangers know intimate details about my private life but being drunk made me completely honest and completely obnoxious.

"Oh," she squeaked. She glanced up at Tom who gave her a sheepish smile in return. When she looked back at me she looked completely off put by me. "I'm uh...sorry to uh, hear that."

"Uh huh," I nodded, rocking back and forth on my heels. I ended up tripping over my own two feet and falling right into Tom's chest; a completely unintentional act by me, but a smart one none the less. "You look so nice tonight Tom," I told him, smiling.

"Uh, fhanks," he chuckled awkwardly, glancing behind me at Lee as if to ask him for some help. Lee did just that, wrapping his fingers around the backs of my arms and then carefully pulling me back into a standing position.

"If you wanna....ya know later," I raised my eyebrows suggestively at Tom. "Call me when she's asleep or something," I winked at him and then started to stumble off in the opposite direction, towards his brother.

I heard Amy's harsh whispers to Tom as I walked away and it made me smile to know I wasn't even halfway done with my plan to completely fuck his relationship up yet.