You're Beautiful to Me

I didn’t sleep that night. Every time my eyes started to close I saw headlights. Mollers hadn’t been there the night all the dreams had come back, when Gerard and Mikey stayed with me.
I opened my eyes and turned to see Molly lying next to me, out cold. I slowly lifted the covers off of me and scooted out of the bed as lightly as I could. My leg brace made a nice thump on the wood floor—good job, Clayah.
I threw off Molly’s sweats and tossed them on the floor, pulling on my own jeans and t-shirt as gracefully as possible (I took a grateful moment to thank the universe for the fact that I’d worn baggy pants; that way I didn’t have to go through the production of taking my brace off).
I put on my leather jacket, grabbed my messenger bag off the floor and pulled it up on my shoulder, and lifted one sleepy puppy out of my best friend’s closet. I moved silently and walked out of Molly’s room.
The Way’s wasn’t too far away from the Iero’s, maybe a mile. It was four am and fucking cold, but I figured I’d survive.
I clicked on the dim lamp in the foyer and started to tie my shoes up by the door. I heard a shuffle in the living room, and the Quinn appeared in the doorway.
“Morning, sunshine,” he yawned. “What’re you doing here?”
“Slept over.”
“Same thing. Where you going now?”
“The Way’s. Before Frank busts me. I didn’t really sleep, so I figured the walk home would tire me out so I can rest today.”
Quinn’s eyes burst open. “You’re not seriously walking all that way.”
“Why not?”
“Uh, gee, ‘cause this area is really dangerous?” Quinn shook his head and held his hand up. “Calm yourself for a minute, I’ll drive you.”
“Bert told me last night you’re car wouldn’t start,” I said.
“It’s probably fine now,” Quinn whisper-yelled from the living room. He reappeared with his pants and shoes on, tugging on his jacket. “Even if it doesn’t I’ll abduct Frank’s car. No way in hell I’m letting you walk a mile, in the cold, with a broken leg, in New Jersey.”
“Thanks, Quinn.”
“Anytime. You owe me once you get your license.”

I closed the door behind me, shutting out the sound of Quinn’s car driving off. The clock on the wall said it was four thirty now. I slid my shoes off and dropped my bag, heading toward the living room and my couch-bed.
The blankets and pillow were stacked at the end of the couch as per usual when it wasn’t being slept on. I didn’t even bother setting myself up. I just plopped down and stared at the coffee table in front of me, letting my eyesight blur and fade. I was fucking exhausted but I didn’t want to sleep.
Strike that.
I didn’t want to be alone.
And I knew exactly the person to go to for help.

”Mikey?”
I grunted and rolled over in bed toward the voice in the doorway. “Clayah?” I grumbled, rubbing my eyes. “What’re you doing home?”
“Quinn drove me back a little while ago,” she said. “I couldn’t sleep last night.”
“Is everything okay?” I was awake now, my protective brother instincts coming over me.
“Yeah, I just didn’t want to wake Mollers.”
“Well get some sleep, we have to pack today.”
Clayah shuffled in place. I sighed. “Clayah, seriously, what’s wrong?”
“Can I… can I sleep with you?” she said in a quiet voice.
I smiled, reaching over and flipping down the corner of my blanket and patting the other pillow. Clayah looked at me thankfully and settled in.
I rolled so we were facing each other. “C’mon, what’s the matter?”
She shook her head. “I’m not sure. I just feel… off.” She sighed. “This whole ‘new family’ thing is still hard for me. I feel like a stranger still.”
My heart wrenched in my chest. “Oh, don’t feel that way. We all love you.”
“I know that,” she said. “And I love you guys, too. It’s just strange is all.”
I reached out and rubbed my thumb against Clayah’s cheek. “You know, I remember the day you were born. Perfectly.” I could feel her cheek swell in a smile. “You were so tiny…” I said, “And beautiful. You still are. And I knew from the moment I first saw you until we met fourteen years later that I would never stop loving you, and no matter how far away we were from each other, we’d always be close. This is hard for everyone. But we’re family: we stick together. We pull each other through.”
Clayah scooted toward me so she was in the crook of my arm. “I love you, Mikey.”
“I love you too, sis.” I kissed the top of her head.
“I’m sorry I made it so hard for you guys to tell me.” Clayah’s voice was so quiet now that the only way I was able to hear her was by her voice reverberating from her jawbone through my ribs. “But I’m glad you did.”
“We are, too. We’re just sorry you got hurt.”
“That was Darren’s fault,” Clayah yawned. “Or Darwin for being totally off on that whole evolution thing.” I chuckled.
Clayah and I nodded off then. She fell asleep first, against my chest, and then I let my eyes fall again and let my breathing fall in time with her’s.
This was exactly how I’d always pictured life with Clayah around. And here it was, after fourteen years of stress and guilt and altogether shutting her out from my mind so I didn’t have to deal with that pain. That was sure as hell never happening again. I was going all around the world with my brother and sister, and I wouldn’t have traded that for anything in the world.

I woke up to the sound of Mom and Dad shutting the garage door behind them as they left for work. The clock told me it was seven thirty. I needed to get my ass out of bed and pick Clayah up from the Iero’s.
I yawned and stretched, headed to what was always the first destination in the morning: the coffee pot.
The coffee came all the way up to the rim of one of those bottomless bowl mugs. I took small steps and sipped on my way to Mikey’s room. He hated it when I knocked in the mornings, so I just opened the door a crack.
“Mikey? Mikey, wake up, we have to go get Clayah.”
When he didn’t respond I opened the door a little more. A slice of light that came in was wide enough that I could see Mikey’s bed. Mikey was rolled over to face the wall. Clayah was rolled over to face the door, her back against our brother’s.
I didn’t want to wake them and ask what she was doing home. In fact I didn’t want to do much else then just stand there all day and watch them sleep.
That sounded extremely creepy. But it was a sight like that that made me smile at the fact that we were all reunited again.
I closed the door behind me and walked to the living room. I sat down and turned on the most depressing show on television: the news. I just wanted to see the weather to know what we had to drive through the next morning on the way to New York.
I kept the TV on mute so I didn’t have to hear the dialogue that came with the images of violent Egyptian explosions, just keeping my eyes peeled for the CGI map with high and low pressure lines spinning across it.
Strangely, jealousy started to envelop me. I thought of Mikey and Clayah asleep in the next room. Why had Clayah come home early? What was wrong? Something had to have been wrong or she wouldn’t have needed to sleep in Mikey’s room…
Why did she go to Mikey and not me?
I frowned to myself. I knew there was a bond between Mikey and Clayah that I would never understand, that pre-birth tie between the two of them. Clayah and I would never have that. Not that we didn’t have a bond at all, because we absolutely did. But it still hurt that it wasn’t the same. Not closer and not farther, just… different.
Why didn’t she come to me?
Honestly I thought it was because Clayah had some sort of fear of me. Before she found out we were siblings I had spent so much time angry. I hurled my frustration out toward Ryan and Barnabus and God only knows who else and how badly I’d freaked her out. But that same emotion that possessed me then possessed me now. Envy. Pure envy. I wanted my little sister to love me. I didn’t doubt that she did, but I still felt guilty and alone.
Then the weather came on.

I woke up at ten to an elbow in the gut.
“Goood morning, my happy siblings!” Gerard laughed.
“Dude!” Mikey slapped Gerard upside the head. “Worst wake up call ever.”
“I was considering the cold bucket of water, so take that back.”
“Thanks for the idea.” I stretched. “I’m totally doing that to you some morning now.”
“You wouldn’t dare.”
“Oh wouldn’t I?” I laughed and woke myself up, pulling my legs out from under Gerard and flopping myself on his stomach. He grunted and laughed.
“Clayah,” Mikey said, paranoia in his voice, “Be careful of your leg.”
“Christ Mikey.” I rolled my eyes. “Chill out for a minute okay?”
“I just don’t want you to hurt it any—“
Gerard reached his arms up and put Mikey in and upside down headlock to shut him up. Mikey fought back, and for the next ten minutes my brothers and I were tied up in an epic wrestling match, until we wore ourselves out completely and crashed down on the floor, sweaty (Gerard complained that he’d just taken a shower but Mikey and I point out he was the one who started it) and suffocating, our stomach’s aching from flailing limbs and laughter.
“Alright,” Gerard said, standing, “I refuse to let you guys loaf all day. It’s Clayah’s last day in Jersey until we get home .”
“Because that wasn’t borderline redundant,” I said, reaching my good leg up and pushing Gerard’s upper thigh with my toe. He smiled and slapped me away. I stood up and hugged him good morning. We looked down on the floor.
“Mikey, c’mon,” I said, “Rise and shine.”
“Rise, yes. Shine, not happening.”
I reached down and shook his legs by the ankles. “Race you to the shower.”
Gerard laughed as Mikey and I charged down the hall to the bathroom. Of course, based on my leg, Mikey beat me.
“Ha ha,” his voice came muffled through the door.
“Unfair, racing a cripple.”
“I’m sorry, can’t hear you over the running water.”
“The water’s not even o—okay, now it’s on—“
“CAN’T HEAR YOU.”
And this was life with brothers.
I walked in the kitchen with Gerard. He poured me a hot cup of coffee and we sat at the table. I was still trying to wake up.
“When did you get home?” Gerard asked.
“Four thirty.”
He tilted his head. “Know what, I’m not awake enough yet to ask why.” He ran a hand through his still damp red hair. “We have to meet up with everyone downtown tonight, by the way.”
“What for?” I sipped my coffee.
“They’re making us pack up the buses tonight,” Gerard said, irritated. “And we have to leave at four am.”
“Four?”
“Mmhm. We have to get to Central Park by like, ten or something. Ask Pete when we get down there later.”
I made a muffle of disapproval. “On the bright side, it’ll be nice to see everyone again.”

“TRE I’M GOING TO PUKE IF YOU DON’T STOP SPINNING ME.”
“BUT I MISSED YOU SO MUCH, CLAYAH!”
“I MISSED YOU TOO, PUT ME DOWN.”
Tre set me down and beamed. “Sorry.”
I swayed on my feet, dizzy. “It’s cool. No pun intended.” Everyone around us winced in amusement at my terrible pun. “Nice jeans, but the way,” I mentioned.
Tre modeled the same blue Glamour Kills jeans he’d bought the day we went to jail. “They’re starting to fit much better after a while.”
“Have you washed them yet?”
“No, why?”
I laughed and clapped his shoulder. “Skinny jeans like that get really tight once you wash them. You’re going to have to stretch in them for like, twenty minutes before they fit like that.”
Tre frowned. “Guess I’m never washing them.”
“That’s usually what I do.”
Someone came up behind me and palms were pressed over my eyes. “Guess who?” said a creepy, fake-pedophilic voice in my ear.
“I’ll take a guess and say it’s Patrick Stewart.”
“Fuck, stop being right.”
I pulled the hands off my face and whipped around, throwing my arms around Mark. I’d seen him maybe twice since we’d gotten to Jersey, considering I was spending all my time at the Way’s and the Iero’s. He and Monster had skipped out on movie night: they needed to get some actual sleep with Levi’s “noise” gone (“This is why I wear earplugs,” Drew had said the night before).
Monster and Levi strolled up then. Levi gave me a happy hug. Monster looked like…
“…Shit,” I said, scanning Monster up and down.
“Nice to see you too, Clayah.” Monster took a swig from a coffee cup.
“Ooo, is that Starbuck’s?” I started to gravitate toward the travel mug.
Monster pulled it out of my reach. His eyes went wide and I swear to God they turned red for a second. “FUCKING NO,” he howled. “YOU TOUCH THIS AND I SWEAR TO GOD I’LL BREAK YOUR LEG AGAIN.”
“Levi, make sure you don’t have sex so loud.” Jeph came up behind Monster and smiled. “Monster’s starting to sound like Clayah.”
I raised an eyebrow. “I’m going to pretend that’s not an insult.”
“I never said it was!”
“Didn’t have to.”
“I COME BEARING GIFTS!”
We turned to see Frank skipping toward the group by the buses, lugging a four pack of Monster with him. Molly followed behind—she carried two eight packs and burrowed her eyes at her father.
Monster’s eyes widened. “Merry Christmas, Clayah.” He shoved the Starbuck’s cup toward me, not completely sure I had it grasped and nearly spilling it on me, dashing toward Frank.
“Hey Monster what’s—“
Monster grabbed the package from Frank’s arm and cradled it like a child.
“…Up.”
Mollers came up behind her dad and threw on of the packages into Frank’s arms. “Take that,” she gasped. She nodded to Monster. “Hey, dude.”
Monster gave a brief hand flap that covered for a wave. He was too busy sitting on the ground and rocking his box back and forth. Frank and Molly gave him wary looks and strolled awkwardly towards us.
Molly’s eyes lit up when she saw the Green Day guys. I was standing closest to her, so she handed off the last box of Monster to me and charged towards the guys. Mike and Billie caught her and they swapped huge hugs.
Once everyone was reunited, Yoda came out of one of the buses and gathered us all around for a brief meeting. Drew and I made it feel like kindergarten when we sat cross-legged on the pavement. Everyone followed are lead and we smiled up at Yoda, who rolled his eyes.
“Okay,” he said, pulling a clipboard out. “Everybody’s here, right?”
“Call attendance, Yoda,” I yelled from the middle of the mass.
“No, I’m just trusting everyone is here.”
“Call attendance.” Everyone was against him now.
Yoda rolled his eyes again. “Fine. I know Clayah’s—“
“Here!” I beamed. Yoda just laughed and scribbled something on his clipboard.
Yoda zipped through attendance, eventually giving up when everyone started answering for everyone else and he got all confused. No entertainment quite like messing with your manager.
“Alright. So: we’re going to Europe.” Everyone cheered and Yoda waved his hand to quiet us down. “Now I know everybody’s already been on tour there but Rush And Ruin, but this trip is different. There’s a lot of you and we’re going to have a bunch of tech kid’s coming along ,too. Which brings me to an introduction: Molly’s guest.” I looked over at Molly, who was smiling and bouncing a little. “Guys, meet Gloria,” Yoda said.
My jaw dropped when Gloria stepped out of the bus behind Yoda. I knew she and Mollers had kept in touch after the whole Desert Disaster, where she’d saved our lives, but I had no idea she was actually coming on tour with us.
Now this would be fun.

I woke up on the couch the next morning and stretched. I rolled over and looked at the beeping alarm clock, slamming my hand down on it. I got up and out of bed, started the coffee pot, and went to wake up Mikey.
I shook his shoulder. “Hey, Mikes, it’s three.”
“Funderfll,” he said sarcastically into his pillow.
“Last shower you’ll have for a week, bro. Plus it’s time for revenge.”
Mikey lifted his head. “How do you mean?”

Mikey and I opened Gerard’s bedroom door to the sound of our brother’s silent snores. It took all we had not to giggle hysterically.
“Don’t spill it!” I whispered to Mikey.
“I’m not! And shut up, you’re not the one carrying it.”
Gerard shifted in his sleep and Mikey and I froze in place for a minute. When Gerard’s breathing resumed we snuck to the edge of his bed. I helped Mikey lifted the bucket, freezing condensation wetting my hands.
Mikey looked at me and mouthed “one, two—“
Just as we were about to pour the water out Gerard shot up in his sleep. “YEEEEAAAA!!!”
Gerard hit the bottom of the bucket away from himself. The weight of the water pushed Mikey and me back and we fell to Gerard’s bedroom floor. We yelped when icy water hit our skin. Gerard started to laugh hysterically.
“You guys completely deserved that!” he said, wiping his eyes.
I shivered. “DAMMIT, how did you hear us?”
“Because the bathroom is next door to me and I could hear the water slosh while you filled the bucket.”
Mikey stood up and dripped onto the floor. “Fail revenge, Gee.”
“Pff, me? It was yours that failed.”
“Not really. Look at your floor.”
Gerard flipped on the light next to his bed. He saw that the two of us had landed on a huge pile of sketches and inked drafts, slowly starting to run. His eyes bugged out.
“NO!!” Gerard jumped out of bed and started to try and gather his sketches.
“Oh Gerard?” I said in a sing song voice.
“Ugh, what?”
Mikey and I grinned from either side of our hunched brother. Then we grabbed him in a huge frozen hug.

The three of us shifted between the stations of getting dressed in Gerard’s room, taking showers in the bathroom, last minute packing in Mikey’s room, and eating some fantastic bacon and pancakes and coffee prepared by our parents in the kitchen.
I was really upset to leave home. I’d just gotten there and just gotten comfortable, even though it’d taken most of three weeks to do so. I hated this “leaving in a rush” thing, too. Nobody stopped the entire motion whirl to start with pre-farewell nostalgia. Part of me was glad for this. Part of me wanted to start it up myself.

We pulled up to the same parking lot as last night. The New Jersey scar was turning a lighter blue as the night started to die away. We could see everyone packing up their buses under the parking lot lights and those shining out from the bus itself. My brothers, my parents, and I all waited a moment before climbing out of the car.
Don and Donna had driven us so there wasn’t an extra car. Gerard and Mikey and I had crammed into the backseat. Eventually the five of us came to the sad conclusion that, yes, we had to haul ass to New York.
Don and Gerard popped the trunk and started to drop different bags at different buses (obnoxiously enough, Rush And Ruin’s bus and My Chemical Romance’s bus were on opposite ends of the lot). Mikey went off to let Yoda know the three of us were there. This left me and my mom at the car.
I sighed. “Well,” I choked. “I guess this is goodbye. Again.”
Donna smiled and hugged me tight, avoiding my duffel bag over my shoulder. She pulled away and shook her head. “You should’ve let Gerard take that—“
“Donna,” I stopped her. “I’m fine.”
“And you’ll be safe in Europe? If you go anywhere don’t go without one of your brother’s or Molly or someone—“
“I know.”
“Try and get some sleep and eat, and call me. Tell your brothers that, too.”
“Okay.”
Donna’s mouth hung open, out of parental advice. She filled the space by hugging me again.
Don and Gerard and Mikey came back. Everyone said their goodbyes and Gerard and Mikey headed to their bus. I started to go to mine… but I turned around.
Don and Donna stood by the car, Don’s arm around his wife and both of them smiling after us. I dropped my duffel bag in the middle of the lot and dashed back. They seemed to have hoped for that and didn’t hesitate to catch me in a bear hug.
“Be safe, Clayah,” Don said.
“I will, I promise.”
“And when you guys come back to America,” Donna said, “I hope you’ll come and stay with us for Christmas. Lyn-Z and Alicia and Bandit can fly out… we’ll have a real family Christmas. For the first time.”
My eyes welled a little. “I’d like that.”
We all hugged again.
“We love you, Clayah,” Don said.
“I love you guys too.” I finally forced myself to pull away. “Okay, I really have to go.” I tried to laugh it out to cover up any sorrow.
They agreed and sent me on my way. I walked off and reunited with my duffel bag. I turned and walked toward my bus backward, calling out—
“Bye, Mom, bye Dad.”
Donna put a hand against her chest. Don’s face was shocked. They absorbed their new titles and glowed. They waved goodbye.
I loaded my things under the bus and took a deep breath. They were Mom and Dad now. I was completely cool with having two sets of parents. It’d get confusing, but I figured it was more appropriate a time then ever to dub them.
I boarded the bus, greeted my band, and watched out the window. The buses fed out of one end of the parking lot, and my parents drove out the other.