I Know You've Got Your Life In Place But I've Yet To Take The Hint

It seemed like every time I turned around, something happened between me and Alex that caused me to run from the bus in either anger or grief. Even though, I guess I couldn’t really blame this on Alex.

Yeah, cause Lisa got pregnant on her own, idiot a voice inside my head yelled at me. Stop defending him, it’s not like he appreciates it. He doesn’t feel the same way about you .

I wrapped my arms around my knees. It had started to rain, but I didn’t care. I wasn’t going back there. I was considering asking one of the other bands we were touring with if I could sleep on their couch or something. I didn’t care if the whole world knew that me and Alex weren’t talking. No one would know why except for me and him. The guys probably assumed that I was worried about the bands fate. To be honest, that hadn’t even crossed my mind once.

I felt guilty about that instantly. If I knew Alex, and I liked to think I did, there’s no way he’d give up the band. Plenty of other singers have kids and still do the touring and shit. Just not as much. That was fine with me, our schedule was crazy sometimes. Me and Alex fighting, on the other hand, might fuck things up forever.

I groaned and wrapped my arms around myself and buried my head. I wished that I believed in God so I could ask Him to send a lightening bolt down right where I was sitting so I wouldn’t have to figure these things out myself.

I sensed a presence before I heard or felt it. Cracking an eye open, I looked up to find Zack standing there, shifting awkwardly and not saying anything.

“You can talk, you know, I’m not going to eat you.” I snapped. He flinched and I sighed. Great. Fuck things up with the rest of your friends, too. “I’m sorry. I’m on edge. Don’t hate me. Please sit?”

Zack eyed the wet, muddy ground with distaste. He pointed to a building with a roof about 5 minutes away. “Any chance we can go and sit under that thing?”

I nodded and got to my feet. Zack stopped me before I could walk anywhere, though, and hugged me. Some of his strength poured into me and I felt a little better. I knew that whatever happened, I’d have my friends.

We walked in silence until we got under the roof, and then Zack turned to me. “Jack, you idiot, you’re going to end up sick in bed. Why can’t you slam doors and break things like the rest of us when we’re upset instead of pulling a disappearing act?”

“Was there a lot of door slamming and things breaking after I walked out?” I asked.

Zack considered this. “No, not really. Alex refused to talk to anyone until someone came to make sure you were okay. You scared him half to death, Jack. He thinks you hate him.”

“Maybe I do.” I lied, wishing it was true.

“No, you don’t. Don’t lie. Not to me.” Zack said, reaching out and wrapping an arm around me. “I know the truth, but I want you to tell me. Is there something you’d like to tell me?”

Damn. He’d maneuvered that one well. If I refused to tell him … he’d be pretty upset with me. If I told him, I’d have to worry about everyone else finding out. I’d have to worry about Alex finding out and killing me because we’d never even discussed that. As far as I was concerned Alex just saw me as a sex toy. And there was no way in hell that I was even going to TRY and explain that to Zack. He may be my other best friend, and he may seem all understanding, but if I tell him what’s happened between me and Alex not only ONCE, but twice … I don’t know. I really wish I’d had time to think about this before it came to this. Fuck life.

He was looking at me, though, with no judgment, no hatred, and no disgust. He looked at me with the patience and concern and acceptance that years of friendship had built up. I took a deep breath and just blurted it out.

“I have romantic feelings for Alex.”

Zack smiled. I donno what I’d been expecting, but it wasn’t for him to cheekily smile at me. “Awwwww.”

My eyes opened wide. “Did you just ‘awwwww’ at the fact that I like Alex? Did you really?!”

Zack winked at me. “Yes, yes I did. I think it’s cute. More than cute. I think you guys would be good for each other. What did you think I was going to do?”

“I don’t know. I guess I just didn’t think you’d be okay with it,” I admitted with some shame. “I mean … if the roles were reversed, I can’t honestly say that “awwwww’ would be the first thing that came out of my mouth.”

“I guess it’d be weirder if I hadn’t already guessed it, you know? If you’d just came out of nowhere and told me that you loved Alex, I would have probably laughed at you. But I’ve kind of hand this hunch, you know. The others don’t really pay much attention, but I don’t know, there are just these little signs. I noticed once, and then I started looking for them, and everything just made sense.”

I have to admit I panicked a little at the idea of these ‘little signs’. “Signs? Are these signs that other people can easily pick up on?!”

Zack looked at me with concern. “You don’t think that the others would judge you, do you Jack? They might be weirded out a little at first because like I said, they wouldn’t be expecting it, but they love you. They want you happy.”

I shook my head. “I don’t want them to know. Not right now! Not after this. Because … no matter if they accept it or not, right now, they will all share a common emotion, and that’s pity. Pity for poor little Jack, who’s in love with his best friend, a straight guy about to have a baby with a fucking model.”

Zack hugged me again. “Alex is really upset about this. Are you sure he doesn’t have any kind of feeling for you? Because he didn’t care about Lisa. The first person he worried about was you.”

I blushed. “Well … things have happened, I guess.”

Zack looked at me. “What kind of things?” And then I guess he noticed my red face and shady eyes because his eyes widened and he was like “Oh. THOSE kind of things.” He was quiet for a minute and then added, “I’m sure he must have feelings for you because there’s no way he’d ever fuck with your mind like that.”

“You’re right. But there’s no way he’s going to walk away from Lisa now, not like this. She needs him more than I do.”

Zack held my hand as the rain pattered on the roof above. “You’re right about the first part, but I don’t think you’re right about the second. You need Alex, and Alex needs you.”

I promised myself that no matter how hard it got, I would be there for Alex. As a friend, in a strictly platonic point of view. I loved him, but I also respected him. I would never, ever make him choose between me and his family.