I Know You've Got Your Life In Place But I've Yet To Take The Hint

Jack was sitting by the river. It seemed to be a habit of his, running away from his problems and ending up near a river. There was something about water, it was calming and he found himself able to relax and think things through properly, enabling himself to make proper decisions instead of the rash, rushed decisions that Alex was known for making.

Alex.. Just thinking his name hurt the lanky boy more than he’d ever thought possible. He loved him with his whole heart and more. He didn’t know what he’d do without him. He shone brighter than the moon, consumed Jack’s soul more than anything else in this entire planet.

He just couldn’t shake the thought that he wasn’t good enough for the beautiful brown-haired boy. The look in his eye when he’d reminded Jack that he wasn’t normal, that he couldn’t have kids, that he didn’t have a family to love me like Alex did, that Alex was always going to belong to someone else, even if that someone was his daughter, had just all but convinced him that he was better off giving up on his dreams involving the sought after front man

He was a product of a broken home. Was he even capable of love? This was a question that had tormented the guitarist since he was young enough to remember his first crush. His first crush had been a girl, a sweet faced girl named Cindy who’d lived down the block from him. She’d been friendly and nice, until one day Jack had seen her hug his best friend at the time, and Jack had slapped her and called her a whore. They’d been eleven at the time, and Jack hadn’t even known what the word meant. He had just known that he had heard his daddy call his mommy that when they got into a fight. He’d been oblivious to the fact that his mommy had ran away in tears, he hadn’t realized how much his daddy had hurt his mommy. He knew that he had hurt Cindy when she’d shoved at him and told him that he’d never be good enough for her.

Jack had sat in a corner and cried after that. The skinny, scrawny eleven year old had thought he was crying because Cindy had been mean to him, but the tall 22 year old man knew that he had been disgusted with himself. Just like he was now.

You see, Jack had this problem. It had started way back when he was young. He could remember himself, even at the youngest age. He would have to be in control. He rebelled against the rules. It was his way of making sure that no one could ever touch him. He didn’t want to be controlled like his mother, his brother, and his sister had been. They had been grown up by the time they realized that they were but a puppet in the pawns of the game called life. Jack had learned instead how to master this game, and he’d been doing it ever since.

It was him who’d taken the first step and approached Alex to form a band. It was the two of them who’d begged and pleaded and black-mailed the others into joining. He’d been the one to tell his parents that his sister was pregnant. He’d been the one to tell them that his brother was fleeing the country.

And look at him now. He was broken, straggling, crying his eyes out over a person who’d shown him nothing but endless love and support. A person who’d taught him that it was possible to have a relationship without any control at all. Someone who’d taught him the meaning of love. It was thanks to Alex that Jack had started to believe that the curse that consumed his family might possibly escape him.

This was why Jack put up walls. He never allowed himself to get close enough that the issue of control would be brought up. Jack put walls up because he was scared that someone was going to try and put a chain on his soul. He was afraid that, even unintentionally, Alex would take him so deeply that Jack would never be able to say no again.

The wind whipped around the dark haired boy, causing him to shiver and wrap his arms around himself. His hood blew violently in the wind and his hands were like ice.

He looked out across the river, seeing the bright lights from the city that was on the other side, and wondered what it would be like to be a part of them, just blending in, one of millions of people who walked the paved roads with no direction, no purpose.

Jack felt that he was often getting lost in the spotlight. There was so much expectation. He wished for just a minute that he could be normal, but that wasn’t so. Maybe that was why he relied so heavily on Alex. Alex made him feel normal. He could tell Alex anything, and he wouldn’t judge him. His love wasn’t temporary, it was unconditional.

Tears splashed down Jack’s cheeks and into the river below, becoming one of just many parts of water to wash away downstream, fading into nothingness.

Jack started to babble aimlessly. “I love you, Alex. I really hope you know that. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to be like my parents. I can’t hurt you. It would kill me. You’re too amazing to be stuck with someone ordinary like me. You deserve someone who can give you the stars every time you make them smile, not someone who’s going to make you hurt them. I deserved your hate. I shouldn’t interfere in your life. I’m so sorry, Alex, I’m so sorry.”

As the boy’s tears fell harder and faster off of his cheeks and into the water, the images in the water were in pieces and broken, jumbled and fading before Jack’s eyes. He thought that they might be important, but hard as he tried, he couldn’t hold onto a single thing that the river was showing him. Until one.

Alex’s face appeared in the water, his face smiling, his arms open, waiting for Jack. The wind whispered behind Jack, and it sounded like it was saying his name.

Jack. Jack. Jack. Jaccckkkk.

The lanky boy leaned forward, reaching a hand out towards the miracle in front of him. Alex hadn’t left him. He was right here, waiting for him, arms open in forgiveness and a loving smile on his face. Except, the closer Jack got, the more the shapes seemed to deteriorate and fade away.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”.

The word was ripped from Jack’s chest, but it was too late. Alex was gone, and Jack was falling, falling, falling …