I Know You've Got Your Life In Place But I've Yet To Take The Hint

“Jack. Jack. Jack. Jack. Jack.”

The persistent voice in my head didn’t go away; instead it got louder and louder. I waved my hand to kill whatever was buzzing around me, and instead my hand connected with something solid. I heard a muffled curse and some muted laughter, and cracked an eye open lazily, squinting in the sunlight.

“Thanks for that, Jack. Next time I’m just going to let you burn.” Rian stood over me, rubbing his cheek while Zack hovered just out of my line of vision, trying not to laugh.

“Sorry,” I said. “I fell asleep; I guess I thought I was dreaming.” I tried to get up several times, but labeled it as too hard and fell back onto the beautiful sun kissed grass. I rolled onto my stomach. “I love grass,” I said, running a hand over it. “Doesn’t it just look so beautiful in this sun?”

I could feel Rian and Zack exchanging looks behind my back.

“That’s it, buddy, someone’s had a little too much sun and feeling sorry for himself. Get up, we’re going to do something fun.”

I groaned. “Pull me up. I can’t move.”

Arms wrapped around mine and lifted me to my feet. “That’s what you get for falling asleep in the sun, all of your muscles are dead meat,” Zack said. He tested this theory by pulling on my arms and laughing at my howl of pain.

I flicked him off. “What exactly are we doing?” I asked, struggling to keep up with them. What was the use of having long legs if they didn’t want to work properly?

Rian smiled at me over his shoulder. “We’re going shopping. I think you could use some therapy, and that kind is the easiest and cheapest.” He paused. “Or most expensive, I guess, depends on how much you spend. But still the easiest!”

I rolled my eyes. “You two are a bunch of chicks. Shopping therapy? I don’t need any therapy.”

“Give me therappyyyyy, I’m a walking travesty, but I’m smiling at everything,” Rian sand, Zack hit him and I put my hands over my ears.

“There’s a reason that you’re only a drummer. You sound like you’re drowning a cat and trying to feed it at the same time.” I said. But for the first time in a long time, I started laughing and couldn’t help it. The look on his face didn’t help, he LOOKED like a cat that was trying to eat and breath and the same time.

Before I knew it, I was cramped over laughing. Zack was too, and Rian was trying his best to look offended but failing. We stumbled into each other, using the other as support. This laughing fit went on onto Lisa came out of the bus. Then, abruptly, everyone shut up.

Lisa cocked her head at us. “What was so funny? We could hear laughing from the back of the bus.”

Zack glared at her. “Nothing that concerns you.” His words were quick and bitter. Rian glared at her too, and I could see the hurt that shimmered in her eyes. I wanted to say something, but I knew this wasn’t the time or the place. Neither of us had said anything to each other really since Alex had abruptly announced that he and Lisa were to be married in a matter of weeks. I knew we had to talk, but I just didn’t know when.

The others didn’t understand why I wouldn’t badmouth her, why I defended her, even. They had all taken to ignoring her, calling her names, or laughing over everything she mentioned about the wedding. Vinny had even talked about bleaching her clothes or dying her hair a horrible color, but I’d flat out told them that I would hurt every single one of them if they did anything to her.

They’d been taken aback by the venom in my voice, but they’d given me their promises and thus far nothing had happened. I couldn’t stop them from being mean to her, though.

We had walked a ways in silence before either of them said anything.

“Why do you do it, Jack?” Zack asked casually.

“Do what?” I mused, not really paying attention to anyone.

“Why do you act like you don’t hate her? Why do you hold back from breaking her face? Why do you defend her? Why DON’T you tell Alex that you can’t live without him? You’re killing yourself, Jack.”

I gulped. This was something I hoped they would refrain from asking. Alex had decided that he wasn’t going to tell anyone besides Lisa that the reason that they were getting married was because of his mother’s wishes. He hadn’t even told them that his mother was dying. I’d come so close to blurting it out several times, but I knew it would completely destroy Alex’s faith in me if I did. So I sucked it up, watching him prepare to ruin his life just to make what was left of his mother’s worth living.

“Alex asked her to marry him, not the other way around. If he wants to do what’s right, so be it. I’m not going to ruin her life for that. Being pregnant looks hard enough.”

The two exchanged looks. We’d reached the mall by then, and had turned instinctively into Hot Topic, which was pretty much always our first stop.

“We know you’re hiding something, Jack, but we respect you enough to not pressure you. We’re going to wait until you’re ready to tell us whatever’s going on, and then we’re going to help you, not judge you. We love you, Jack, and we –“ Rian stopped. “Jack?”

I had stopped in front of a poster. A poster of our band, to be exact. I was standing with my arm wrapped around Alex and he was looking at me with those eyes that had given me chills and had inspired thousands of teenage girls around the world to write fantasies about the two of us. Well, no fantasy could even compare to real life. I wouldn’t trade it for anything, except a happy ending. Because no matter what the main characters go through in a story, there is always a happy ending. Unless the author is twisted.

I reached my hand out to stroke the poster in front of me. I probably looked like a creep, but it was either that or tear the fucking thing off the walls.

I felt the heat of two bodies press up against me. I continued to stare at the poster, my hand stroking Alex’s tiny poster hand.

“What if I can’t do it?” I asked, so quietly that the others leaned in to hear me. “What if after everything we’ve been through, I let him down now? What if I can’t be a part of his life anymore? What if I can’t watch him sit back and love someone else, even if that someone else is his baby, knowing that he should love me? What if the secrets I’m keeping could change the outcome of this? What if I spill those secrets and someone gets hurt? What if … what if something happens to the band because I don’t know how to separate personal and professional feelings? What if … just what if?” my voice broke and the others leaned into me.

“You’re human, Jack. It’s normal to be scared. No matter what happens, we’ll be right here with you.”

“Promise?”

“We’ll be here for you, no matter what.” Rian said, kissing my cheek.

I couldn’t help but think that it wasn’t long enough that I’d made the same promise to Alex, and here I was, already wondering how much promises really meant anymore.