I Know You've Got Your Life In Place But I've Yet To Take The Hint

The settings in the church made Alex’s eyes look almost black and momentarily I wished that I could be dealing with the devil himself. I couldn’t stand to have Alex looking at me like I’d killed his mother – no, wait. Bad choice of words. I hadn’t killed his mother, just destroyed her dream, kept secrets from him, and then told the rest of the world his secret.
I couldn’t look at him, so the buttons on my pants would have to fascinate me throughout this whole conversation. Maybe then, I’d remember how to breathe.

I opened my mouth to speak, but it was too dry for me to form any words, so I grabbed the nearest drink and downed it. Figures, it would be something I hated. Apple juice, yeck. The bitter taste flooded my mouth and I made a slight gagging noise. For a minute I thought I heard Alex laugh, but it must have been just a ghost’s echo. I wanted to look up and see if that familiar grin was sliding across his face, but I resisted that temptation and kept my head down.

Hanging my head in shame, I thought to myself. How appropriate.

I tried again. This time I managed to get the word ‘Alex’ out of my mouth before I clammed up again. Anger washed over me. “For the love of God,” I muttered and then I slammed my fist onto the nearest surface – the object was quite appropriately, a Bible.

“You better not take the Lord’s name in vain while we’re in a church, of all places, Jack. I think God’s probably angry enough with you right now as it is.” Alex’s voice rolled over me in waves of feeling – first I felt that red, hazed anger, then black hatred (this scared me more than anything), followed by a purple grief and then just white. Pure, untouched white. I didn’t get this last thing.

“Why would God already be mad at me?” I asked. I was hoping that he’d hide behind the excuse of God, and by doing so, tell me what I’d done that had annoyed him the most.

“God doesn’t like people who keep secrets from him. He thinks it’s disrespectful and it hurts him to think that people he loves don’t have enough confidence in him to tell him how they are feeling or what they know.” Alex’s voice was soft; he didn’t sound mad. He just sounded hurt. I felt a physical ache in my body, in that place that was supposed to be my heart.

“Sometimes people think they know better. They think that they can protect others and be untouchable, when the truth is they haven’t even mastered how to save themselves. They’re trying to cross a ravine with only a tightrope. It doesn’t take much for them to fall, but at least by doing so, they set an example for others and hopefully the other’s won’t be idiots like they were.”

“You’re not an idiot, Jack.” Alex’s voice was tender this time.

“I … fuck you, yes I am.” I didn’t have anything else to say, so I disagreed with him in a churlish child voice. “I can be whatever I want to be, and right now I want to be an idiot and I want to sit here and mope and I want you to hate me like you should and-“

“I want you to stop mumbling and come here. Pwease?” Alex said, imitating my child’s voice perfectly.

I didn’t move. “No. I don’t want to infect you with my idiotness.”

Alex’s laughter rang out loud and clear. A few seconds later, I felt a weight press up against me. I turned my head, but hot breath tickled my ear.

“Guess who?” Alex crooned, and then stuck his tongue in my ear. “You taste good, Jack.” His lips trailed down my throat, and I caught my breath, but then second guessed and pushed him away.

“Alex, you can’t just act like nothing happened. You have to be mad at me. You have to hate me. You can’t just pretend like everything’s okay. What’s your mom going to say? What’s everyone else going to say? I ruined the wedding. Lisa’s parent’s are going to kill me for being the reason that their daughter is a single mom.”

Alex’s hand slid onto mine. “Jack, shut up. Lisa was the one who cheated. I forgive her. I can still see us even being friends, if that’s okay with you?” He looked at me and I just shrugged. “But you, Jack, mean ten times more to me than she ever did. If I can forgive her for everything, I’d be a real hypocrite to not forgive you when all you did was keep her secret. You were worried for her. That’s not an idiot move, that’s called friendship. Jack, nothing can come between us. Especially not now. Don’t you see? We can have everything, now. You can be my only one.”

He looked at me, and the moment our eyes met, it was like I’d seen heaven. He smiled at me, got on his knees, and started to sing.

“What do you say when your heart’s not in it,
What do you do when you just don’t get it,
where do you go when you reach your limit,
‘cause all I know,
all I know is,
You are my only one,
You are my only one,
You are my only one,
that’s all I know
you’re all I know.”

The words took a few minutes to sink it, but when they did, I cried. I don’t mean just a few tears or something like that, but I cried my heart out. Everything I’d been feeling, everything I’d be hiding, everything from way back when just came flooding out. Alex pulled me off of the bench and onto the floor, in his arms. His tongue wiped my tears away and his lips kissed my cheeks and my forehead and my nose and his hands caressed my neck and shoulders.

When I looked up, Alex’s face was shining in light. I reached a hand out, and his cheeks were just as wet as mine. I ran a hand over the trail of tears, and he reached up, capturing my hand in his and bringing it to his mouth, kissing every finger and then setting the pair of hands down, in his lap.

I leaned into him, which was awkward because I was taller, but neither of us cared at that moment. We were too aware of each other to be aware of anything else.

I leaned in and kissed his lips softly, nipping at them as I pulled away.

“So, you wrote a song for me, did you Alex?” I asked softly. His hands were under my shirt, warm on my back. I felt the slight bite of his nails when I asked this.

“Yeah …” he said, almost shyly. His eyes were shining when he looked at me. “Do you think you’ll like it?”

I couldn’t believe he even had to ask. “No other love song in the world will ever be able to even begin to compare to the perfection that just came from you. None.”

He leaned into me this time. Our hangs were connected, our legs were tangled, and his my lips were approaching his. I paused.

My lips moved against his when I spoke. “We’ll make it.”

“Was there ever any doubt of that?”

Our lips were lightly touching now, both of them curved into smiles. They met perfectly, when we both uttered the same answer to one another.

“No.” There had never been any doubt.