Dancing In The Rain

Have you ever felt like you may have not been good enough? Like the world was crashing all around you and it was your entire fault? Or maybe that you gave all you could and it wasn’t near enough? Yeah, I feel that every single day.

Ever since I was a little girl I felt like that everyday, whether I was happy or not. The only way I can possibly ever cope is through drugs. I started out with pills at the age of thirteen and continued on there. Nothing was ever enough for me so I craved more. I was pretty much a chain smoker by the time I was fourteen and an alcoholic at sixteen. My life was spiraling down and hardly anyone knew it. I’ve now progressed my way towards cocaine and more intense pills.

“What are you doing?” I looked up and stared at my best friend, Maddy, who was holding hands with my other best friend and her boyfriend, Max.

“I think it’s pretty obvious.” I said as I inhaled the intoxicating chemicals of my cancer stick and picked at the dying grass. Maddy and Max sat down beside me while I continued to lie on the ground.

Maddy was whispering to Max in a harsh tone with random words and my name escaping from her lips. I grew frustrated and sat up and stubbed out my cigarette.

“I was trying to enjoy the peace and quietness of nature.” I told them harshly.

“Just tell her Max!” Maddy punched his shoulder and he winced.

“Maddy wants to hook you up with one of my friends.” Max told me while rubbing his hurt shoulder.

“Devon and I just broke up not even a week ago and you’re already trying to get me to date someone? What the fuck?” I shook my head and stood up from the grass, walking towards the piece of shit house. I didn’t bother to even close the front door, I was too busy striding my way towards my bedroom.

My door slammed and I grabbed my guitar and my baggie. Laying my precious beauty down, I began to make long, skinny lines of cocaine onto the guitar. I didn’t even bother to try and find a dollar bill, seeing as I had no money, I just pressed down on one nostril and inhaled. I closed my eyes and let it all sink in.

The rush you get, the chills you receive, almost as if you can’t breathe. Yeah, I feel that every time, can’t get enough of it. My mind goes a million miles faster than before and my soul soars. I secretly hate doing it to myself, but then I love it. I love the feeling of not hating myself or anyone else for once. My anger draws away, far away to the unknown.

I picked up the guitar and began strumming the chords to “Heart-Shaped Box” by one of my favorites band, Nirvana. I could hear Maddy and Max arguing in the kitchen, I simply ignored and turned up the amp.

Someone began knocking on my door, I ignored, knowing that they’ll just open it themselves eventually. Maddy strided in and unplugged my amp then resting her hands onto her hips.

“Are you high again?” She asked me, trying to act calm.

“Maybe.” I mumbled while I continued to let my pick hit the strings, ignoring her presence. She shook her head and muttered words under her breath.

She never liked it when Max or me got high.

“Get up.” She told me before taking the guitar from me. I whimpered but listened to her anyway.

“Where are we going?” I asked as she led me out of my room. I looked around for Max but he was nowhere in sight, he must have left.

“We’re walking to Max’s band practice for you to meet Ronnie.” She continued to drag my hand until we reached the street. Silence soon fell upon us after we had walked for about ten minutes.

“We really need to buy a car.” I muttered and shivered slightly from the cocaine wearing off.

“Maybe we could afford one if you stop spending the money you have on drugs.” She shot at me, making me wince.

“You know why I don’t stop. It helps me forget.” Maddy sighed and linked her arm with mine.

“I know but you could at least try.” I nodded and we continued to walk.

“I’m nervous.” I said, thinking about meeting this Ronnie guy that Maddy and Max were talking about. Maddy grumbled and turned to face me, placing her hands onto my shoulders.

“Listen here and listen good! Ronnie is going to like you and you two are going to get married and have a bunch of freakishly tall babies. You got me, bitch?” Maddy preached to me, as she had to look up to me. I nodded and took her hands off of my shoulders.

“I got you.” I told her with confidence in my voice. Maddy smiled in victory and led me towards the house that the band was practicing in.

Maddy knocked on the garage door a couple of times until the door opened automatically. There stood Max and four other boys all by their instruments, looking at me. Maddy linked arms with me and brought me towards the guys.

“Gentlemen, this is my best friend, Samantha. Sam, this is Bryan, Omar, Robert, of course you know Max, and Ronnie.” They all waved with the exception of Max, who hugged me tightly.

“I’ve missed you!” He hugged my torso tighter while I laughed.

“You saw me four hours ago.” I giggled and patted the top of his head until he let go.

“Hello.” Ronnie appeared in front of me and took her hand, kissing the top of it. I began to blush a bright red and giggle.

“Hi.” I replied back and smiled, showing my braces.

“You still have braces?” Robert asked.

“I get them off in a couple of months. I’ve had them on since I was sixteen and I’m twenty one now.” I grumbled and closed my mouth to hide my embarrassment.

“I think it’s adorable.” Ronnie whispered into my ear and smiled.

“Stop being cute and go practice dammit!” Max yelled, interrupting us. Ronnie smiled before leaving me to go to the microphone. Maddy pulled me to the couch and made me look at her.

“Told you he would like you.” Maddy said in an I-told-you-so voice. I rolled my still dilated eyes and put my attention towards the band.

“Let’s practice ‘Makeup’.” Ronnie told the band and they nodded. They began to play to a song that I instantly recognize and I smiled. Ronnie’s mouth opened into a smile and he let the lyrics flow out of his mouth all while staring at Maddy and I.

“You caught my eye when I walked by,
Judging from the way you move,
Your heart is bruised
We sit and laugh
It's all an act
The lies they seep through
You're such a fool

As makeup runs down on your cheeks,
You found that you are lost again.
Try to make your way back home,
Found that you're alone.

Put on your dress
and look your best
Let this be your night
We'll laugh and die
So drink it down we need this now
make the pain go away

As makeup runs down on your cheeks,
You found that you are lost again.
Try to make your way back home,
Found that you're alone.
Fall down, searching for the perfect place
For you to lose it all again
Slow down keep it at a steady pace as I watch you fade away

As makeup runs down on your cheeks,
You found that you are lost again.
Try to make your way back home,
Found that you're alone.

As makeup runs down on your cheeks,
You found that you are lost again.
Try to make your way back home,
Found that you're alone.”

Maddy and I began to clap as the guys rested their instruments. Ronnie and Max made their way to the couch as the rest of the guys walked inside of the house.

“You like?” Ronnie asked me as he sat next to me, arm around my shoulder. Max and Maddy were kissing and whispering sweet nothings to each other.

“Yeah. That’s actually my favorite song.” Ronnie gave a crooked smile at that.

“I have to ask you this, but are you from the south?” I snorted and rolled my eyes at what he asked.

“Yeah. I’m originally from Louisiana but moved here to experience the city.” He nodded in understanding.

“I can tell by your accent that you’re not from here. Since you’re a southern, does that mean you’re an awesome cook?” Ronnie had his hopes up high for the positive answer from what I could tell.

“That and an awesome baker.” I retorted and smiled.

“Fucking marry me!” Ronnie hugged me tightly and kissed my cheek.

“Geez! You two are already talking about marriage?!” Maddy screamed after coming up from a kiss with Max.

“I know I am! They say the way to a man’s heart is to his stomach.” Max sat up and wagged his finger in protest to Ronnie’s statement.

“Not true, Ronald. It’s his penis and what you’re willing to do with it.” Maddy punched Max in the arm while he mocked hurt.

“I’m sorry!” Max yelled as Maddy jumped off of the couch furiously. He ran after her, leaving Ronnie and I alone.

“Someone’s pussy whipped.” I muttered and Ronnie laughed.

“Want to go get some ice cream?” He asked me and stood up from the couch. I nodded and he held out his hand to help me up.

“You know Ronnie, I thought you would be a douche bag.” I said as we walked down the sidewalk.

“And I thought you would be a bitch but I guess we’ll have to wait a see.” He told me.

“Well you just met me so you don’t know for sure.” I said to him with a smile while he rolled his eyes.

“So tell me about yourself.” Ronnie commanded politely.

“Well my name is Samantha-Jo Helen- you don’t want to know my original last name- Antoinette. I’m twenty-one and from Louisiana but moved here about a two years ago with Maddy. Maddy and I have been best friends since we met at a Marilyn Manson concert about two and a half years ago. I’m an intern at a magazine company but work for a bar. I smoke, drink, and well do drugs.” I put my hands in the pockets of my white shorts- a nervous habit of mine- and continued to walk beside Ronnie.

“No big deal really. I do drugs as well.” He told me. I looked up at him and into his brown eyes, they were dilated as well. He smiled down at me but looked away, I looked into the same direction of him and saw that we were at a small ice cream stand.

“What do want? I’m buying.” I bit my lip at the thought of him paying. I couldn’t tell him not to because I didn’t have any money.

“Double chocolate.” I said with a small sigh, not wanting it to be noticeable. He ordered himself the same and grabbed both of ours and paid. He led me towards the paint-chipped bench that was besides the small building.

“You never told me about yourself.” I told him as I licked off the melting ice cream from the side of the cone.

“Well my name is Ronald Joseph Radke and I’m twenty-three. I was born and raised here in Vegas and I love it. My dad raised my brothers and I because our mother left us. I just joined Escape The Fate about a year ago and we’re just becoming famous because we won a contest. Our album is coming out in a couple of months, you’ll be sure to get a free copy,” Ronnie said to me and winked. “By the way that Maddy and Max described you, you and I are sort of alike.” He shrugged and took a bite of his waffle cone.

“What’d they say?” I asked and licked more ice cream.

“You like music, partying, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, writing. You’re funny, sarcastic, smart, and a little shy sometimes. You can be an asshole sometimes but somehow people think you’re a great person.” I lifted up my eyebrow at all what he had said.

“They seem to have told you everything about me then.” I said coldly to myself.

“Nah. They wanted to tell me more but I told them no. I rather get to know you myself.” He did a crooked smile, making me smile back.

“Did they also tell you how I just got out of a year long relationship just a week ago?" I asked and ate the last of my ice cream. He scratched the back of his neck and bit his lip before nodding.

“Yeah, they did.” I sighed and leaned against the wall behind me.

“So then I guess you can figure out that I’m not so ready to jump straight into a relationship yet?” I asked him and he nodded.

“Friends first?” He asked, opening his arms for a hug. I laughed and hugged his torso, him resting his chin on the top of my head.

“Can you walk me home?” I asked.

My eye had begun to twitch which meant that I needed a fix. I think Ronnie knew because he was looking at me oddly and nodded quickly.

“I know what you’re feeling. I haven’t had anything in about three hours.” Ronnie said as he held my hand in a friendly way.

“Maddy is going to be pissed at me for doing this shit again.” I muttered.

“Max is going to be pissed too.” Ronnie said, making me confused.

“Why?” I asked as I led him towards my street.

“Because we didn’t invite him.” He said with a chuckle while I rolled my eyes.