The Saints Of Mibba
Confliction.
Kids are cruel, but teenagers are even worse.
I would know. I am one.
Teenagers are cold, unforgiving human beings, a fact of which I’m reminded every single day. For a semi social-phobic like me, high school truly is a hell on earth. The thoughts of seeing my peers are alone nearly enough to drive me to my safe place, to lock myself in my own head to protect myself.
I know I sound insane.
Sometimes I think I am.
Truth be told, I have nothing to be fearful of. I am no martyr. I am no tragic hero. I am not the girl you’ll see climbing out of the wreckage of her own life, bleeding and beaten, but still carrying on.
I am not a hero.
I am nothing.
My head is my safest place, my favorite place. There, I’m left alone to be the hypocrital, apathetic human being that I truly am. There, I have no one to prove myself to, no one to compare sob stories with. There, I’m left to try and figure out who the hell I am.
I don’t know who I am.
I never have.
I’m afraid that I never will.
There are days, many of them, when I hate myself. More than once, I’ve mentally beaten myself, convincing myself that I am worthless, and that the world would be better without me. My best fried has never died. I have never had an eating disorder or mental breakdown so intense that I’ve needed therapy.
Not that therapy would help.
It never has.
I’m twisted, and I know it. I’m well aware that I need to stop mentally wrecking myself. I’m also aware that I can’t. I’m sick. I’m addicted to hurting myself, my vice being my thoughts instead of a blade.
Heaven help me.
Eternal hell, here I come.
To this day, I wonder why I’m still alive, why I’m even like this to start with. Why hasn’t my self-hatred destroyed me? Why haven’t I destroyed myself? The answer is obvious. The friends that guide me, the boys and girls who have been through the exact same things and remain okay. These people are my light in the dark, the hands that pull me up, up, up and out of the water until I can breathe again.
These are every day people.
These are my best friends.
These are my heroes.
I’ll never stop thanking you.
I would know. I am one.
Teenagers are cold, unforgiving human beings, a fact of which I’m reminded every single day. For a semi social-phobic like me, high school truly is a hell on earth. The thoughts of seeing my peers are alone nearly enough to drive me to my safe place, to lock myself in my own head to protect myself.
I know I sound insane.
Sometimes I think I am.
Truth be told, I have nothing to be fearful of. I am no martyr. I am no tragic hero. I am not the girl you’ll see climbing out of the wreckage of her own life, bleeding and beaten, but still carrying on.
I am not a hero.
I am nothing.
My head is my safest place, my favorite place. There, I’m left alone to be the hypocrital, apathetic human being that I truly am. There, I have no one to prove myself to, no one to compare sob stories with. There, I’m left to try and figure out who the hell I am.
I don’t know who I am.
I never have.
I’m afraid that I never will.
There are days, many of them, when I hate myself. More than once, I’ve mentally beaten myself, convincing myself that I am worthless, and that the world would be better without me. My best fried has never died. I have never had an eating disorder or mental breakdown so intense that I’ve needed therapy.
Not that therapy would help.
It never has.
I’m twisted, and I know it. I’m well aware that I need to stop mentally wrecking myself. I’m also aware that I can’t. I’m sick. I’m addicted to hurting myself, my vice being my thoughts instead of a blade.
Heaven help me.
Eternal hell, here I come.
To this day, I wonder why I’m still alive, why I’m even like this to start with. Why hasn’t my self-hatred destroyed me? Why haven’t I destroyed myself? The answer is obvious. The friends that guide me, the boys and girls who have been through the exact same things and remain okay. These people are my light in the dark, the hands that pull me up, up, up and out of the water until I can breathe again.
These are every day people.
These are my best friends.
These are my heroes.
I’ll never stop thanking you.