The Saints Of Mibba
The Angels.
Thunder rumbled from the heavily clouded heavens, almost warning me to hurry into shelter. It seems like everything; even nature was telling me something lately. I pulled up my purple hoodie so the lid thoroughly covered my stiff hairspray covered hair, to be sure that my tamed mane wouldn’t end up looking like Cruella De Vil’s awful locks. I started to shiver as I felt rain drops touch my sweater and slowly soak through to my ‘Moneen’ t-shirt. I glanced upward into the sky to see a bright flash of lightning. I squinted my eyes at the brilliant flicker of radiance that stung my eyes. It was a long jagged bolt and it far-off. I was in awe in how radiant it was and walked slower. I knew there was rain coming, and I wanted to be caught in the wonderful feeling of water pouring down my face. I looked around me to see no one outside. I asked myself how no one would want to just be in the rain, even if I myself was caught there by mistake.
I walked up to the gate of the cemetery. “Glen Oaks Memorial Site” it read. I started at the front to see many memorial sites for many different people. Some were covered in bright, blossoming flowers and some had nothing on them. I just kept on, searching for the one and only stone I wanted to see. Then, at the corner of my eye, I saw his. It was grey, like most peoples, but it had a white heart engraved in the stone. I walked up to it, and I started to choke on my words a bit. It read:
Alex Jonathan-Beck Krazsosorski
1992-2006
Beloved son, grandson, cousin and best friend.
“I'm trying, I'm trying to let you know how much you mean. As days fade, and nights grow and we go cold”
I ran my fingers over the heart. It was wet from the rain, so it almost seemed to slip of my skin.
Even if this wasn’t his grave site, I started to talk to him.
“Hello, Al. Its Mel here, but you probably guessed that because like you said, I don’t make quiet entrances. So, how you’ve been? I hope heavens got a good job for someone like you? Cafeteria supervisor, maybe? Hah, I’m just joking. You’re probably already an angel. I mean, you were one on Earth, why can’t you be one up there?”
I could feel tears rushing to my eyes, but I kept them back by smiling. I kept a long pause to stare at the lyrics from Demolition Lovers on his memorial stone. That song meant the world to him. It was his favourite song of all time. Upon reading that over and over, tears broke free from my eyes and landed delicately on my face, rolling down my cheeks.
“Alex, I miss you. I really do. This year has been so hard for me. I wish you were here. I wish you were still here. I want to hug you again, see your smile. I can’t help it. I need you, Alex. Without you, I’m a mess!”
My uncontrollable sobbing stopped me from saying much more, but then I remembered something that Alex had said when we were in grade 3.
We were sitting on two old tree stumps and playing X's and O's with sticks and rocks when he told me the thing I would never forget:
“Mel, you’re awesome. I just wanted you to know if anything would happen to you or I, and we, well…died, just know we will always be best friends, and I will always love you like a sister.”
A huge grin widened across my face. I looked up at the clouds, to see they were moving quickly away to the west. The rumbles of the thunder became distant and the flashes of lightning became to be less bright and jagged, and more soft and dull.
“Alex, I need to tell you everything. I’m not moving until I tell you everything that happened this year.”
I stared at his stone for a while, took a deep breath and started.
“First off, I graduated from Elementary school, which I thought I would never do! I was kind of scared going into High School, but it isn’t so bad. You would have liked it there. Even though we were going to separate high schools because I did move, it wouldn’t have mattered anyways. You would have met my cousin Alyssa, and she probably would have bummed you with her words, considering she LOVES to talk.
But anyways, grade nine isn’t as easy as we thought it would be. Everyone changed. I mean, yeah I changed from the outside, but I’m still the same person on the inside.
Oh yeah by the way, Dommi & Leenie said to tell you that their schools are great, but they miss you a bundle. Ha…”
I stopped for a moment to think about what I was going to tell him. Something brutally honest and overbearingly cruel I was doing. I took a deep breath, and opened my mouth to spit out the biggest secret I was keeping.
“I’ve started again. Drinking that is. I know, I know, I shouldn’t be doing it. It’s just that, there is no one right now to keep me tied to my sense of judgment. Every one of my friends that I tell just solicits me to stop because they ‘love me’. Yes, I know that already, but love isn’t going to stop an alcoholic from drinking, right? You always knew the right things to say to me. I mean, my friends comfort me now, but my heart is set on your decision. I need you to tell me how you feel…but you fucking can’t because you’re not alive! This is so fucking hard, Alex. I can’t even think straight anymore. I mean, every time I look at the bottle, a switch turns on in my head screaming ‘DRINK IT. DRINK IT.’ I sadly usually listen to it.”
My face twisted up with anger at myself and sorrow for how he probably felt. However, I didn’t really care much, being the selfish bitch I was.
“Alex, I want you to know that I also tried…to kill myself a couple of times. You know…suicide. Well, I was intoxicated most of the times I tried, but that doesn’t make a difference. It’s like I only have the balls when I am drunk, thinking death would be easier.
I never thought that I wanted to die so bad. I just…can’t handle things without you. I mean, it’s almost been 3 years. 3 fucking years, man!
It’s surreal. I don’t want to live without you anymore. I don’t.”
I shook my head, kissed the stone got up and whispered
“Love you Alex, forever. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
I got up and started to run through the rain. No thunder and lightning were bubbling in the clouds now, they moved off. I just felt cold rain on my body.
I ran all the way home. All 12 kilometers of it. When I got to my street, my lungs felt like it had shrunk on me. It was getting hard to breathe. I held my chest as tight as I could as I walked through the door. The house was quiet, unusual for my household. I then realized my parents weren’t home and my brothers weren’t either. Perfect.
I ran upstairs to my room, shut my door and looked under my bed for my booze stash. If you’re wondering where I got it, I have my sources.
I popped open the large Smirnoff and took a long, harsh gulp. I cringed at the taste, but was satisfied that it was going down my throat.
I then poured some into a water bottle, and ran downstairs to my computer. I took long swigs while it loaded for my MSN to go up.
I rolled my eyes at the smiley faces in people’s names and private messages. Everyone’s a happy camper, eh?
I chugged the rest of the bottle, which left me wanting more.
Just then, her conversation popped up. My heart sank. She always had this way of making me feel guilty for things I haven’t even told her yet.
I looked at the empty bottle I finished in 5 minutes, then back at the conversation.
One more bottle couldn’t hurt right?
I ran back upstairs to fill up the bottle again, and I jumped on the chair to read what she wrote.
Hey :]
Oh look, another smiley face. Mother fucker. I shook my head as I took a long gulp, already finishing half the bottle.
I wiped my mouth from the residing vodka droplets on my lips.
Considering vodka is a hard alcohol, I keep alert. I could type properly…for now.
I replied with a small
Hi.
Then, she asked me how I was doing. I rolled my eyes and reached for the bottle again. I chugged that baby. The vile liquid almost made me want to puke, but I didn’t. I needed to feel numb.
I want to.
I sat there and waited for the ‘imparity’ to kick in. It wasn’t happening fast enough. I stood up quickly which made my head spin, and walked fast back up to my room to fill my bottle up for the 3rd time.
“Third time’s the charm.” I whispered while missing half of the bottle and pouring the remaining contents into the plastic bottle. I put the bottle to my pursed lips & let it flow freely into my mouth to swallow. Now, it was getting hard to see, or stand up for that matter.
I walked down the stairs carefully and sat down on my chair. I leaned back, and stared at the computer screen, which was now completely a blur.
I pressed my nose up completely to the screen to see it properly.
I slowly went to iTunes and clicked on it. I pressed the play button and believe it or not, the song came on.
Unbelievable. It was mine and her song.
Well, it was ours before. At least, that’s what I was thinking at the time. She had told me something the previous day that had made me want to break the computer screen. Considering she hurt me first, it was only fair to completely ruin our friendship, right?
I went to our MSN conversation and looked at what she asked. I stared at the keyboard, squinted to see the letters and typed loosely.
I’m pretty sure what I said made no sense. Oh well, I didn’t care at the time.
I didn’t even really understand what was going on. Well, I did, but I didn’t.
I didn’t understand why I was drinking. To hurt her? To make myself finally be with him?
I didn’t know really. I just hummed along drunkenly to Blue and Yellow. I added ‘fuck’ to every sentence, to make it seem classier. I smirked and took another sip.
At this point, Alex was a big priority. I mean, stress with school, friends, finding yourself, grades, love and sexuality.
It was all a big joke. It has always been a joke, and I finally wanted out of this little ‘prank’. So, all I remember was saying “I hate you.” with a couple of extra letters and punctuation marks in there.
The only reason I said that to her is so I wouldn’t have to tell her why I was really doing this. My impairment stopped me from saying what I was really feeling.
It also stopped me from remembering. Everything after that was a blur. I don’t remember anything after that.
* * *
I woke up the next morning on the floor in my room. I must’ve ventured off after I got pissed out of my mind and passed out on the floor.
I wondered how my parents would never have seen me. Whatever, I didn’t care.
I just sat up, to reveal my throbbing headache. Ugh, hangover. I stared at the floor and saw some of my painkillers spread out on the floor. I started to cry.
I’ve done it again! I’ve almost killed myself! I could never tell them. The two most important people in my life were probably mad at me, regardless.
I couldn’t face her. Not after what I just did. I don’t want to hurt her any longer. I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to hurt either of them.
I just sat there for a long time, and stared at my floor. I didn’t move, not for a while.
I preferred being a statue. I couldn’t hurt anyone.
I then started to hum ‘Blue and Yellow’ again, knowing it would cheer me up. I pictured him and her, standing side by side, smiling at me. I closed my eyes and kept them shut while humming. I wanted to stay like this forever. I wanted to be with them forever. I’m sorry. I never want you to leave and I never want to leave.
I smiled as I let go of the empty bottle I had tightly gripped in my hand.
I walked up to the gate of the cemetery. “Glen Oaks Memorial Site” it read. I started at the front to see many memorial sites for many different people. Some were covered in bright, blossoming flowers and some had nothing on them. I just kept on, searching for the one and only stone I wanted to see. Then, at the corner of my eye, I saw his. It was grey, like most peoples, but it had a white heart engraved in the stone. I walked up to it, and I started to choke on my words a bit. It read:
Alex Jonathan-Beck Krazsosorski
1992-2006
Beloved son, grandson, cousin and best friend.
“I'm trying, I'm trying to let you know how much you mean. As days fade, and nights grow and we go cold”
I ran my fingers over the heart. It was wet from the rain, so it almost seemed to slip of my skin.
Even if this wasn’t his grave site, I started to talk to him.
“Hello, Al. Its Mel here, but you probably guessed that because like you said, I don’t make quiet entrances. So, how you’ve been? I hope heavens got a good job for someone like you? Cafeteria supervisor, maybe? Hah, I’m just joking. You’re probably already an angel. I mean, you were one on Earth, why can’t you be one up there?”
I could feel tears rushing to my eyes, but I kept them back by smiling. I kept a long pause to stare at the lyrics from Demolition Lovers on his memorial stone. That song meant the world to him. It was his favourite song of all time. Upon reading that over and over, tears broke free from my eyes and landed delicately on my face, rolling down my cheeks.
“Alex, I miss you. I really do. This year has been so hard for me. I wish you were here. I wish you were still here. I want to hug you again, see your smile. I can’t help it. I need you, Alex. Without you, I’m a mess!”
My uncontrollable sobbing stopped me from saying much more, but then I remembered something that Alex had said when we were in grade 3.
We were sitting on two old tree stumps and playing X's and O's with sticks and rocks when he told me the thing I would never forget:
“Mel, you’re awesome. I just wanted you to know if anything would happen to you or I, and we, well…died, just know we will always be best friends, and I will always love you like a sister.”
A huge grin widened across my face. I looked up at the clouds, to see they were moving quickly away to the west. The rumbles of the thunder became distant and the flashes of lightning became to be less bright and jagged, and more soft and dull.
“Alex, I need to tell you everything. I’m not moving until I tell you everything that happened this year.”
I stared at his stone for a while, took a deep breath and started.
“First off, I graduated from Elementary school, which I thought I would never do! I was kind of scared going into High School, but it isn’t so bad. You would have liked it there. Even though we were going to separate high schools because I did move, it wouldn’t have mattered anyways. You would have met my cousin Alyssa, and she probably would have bummed you with her words, considering she LOVES to talk.
But anyways, grade nine isn’t as easy as we thought it would be. Everyone changed. I mean, yeah I changed from the outside, but I’m still the same person on the inside.
Oh yeah by the way, Dommi & Leenie said to tell you that their schools are great, but they miss you a bundle. Ha…”
I stopped for a moment to think about what I was going to tell him. Something brutally honest and overbearingly cruel I was doing. I took a deep breath, and opened my mouth to spit out the biggest secret I was keeping.
“I’ve started again. Drinking that is. I know, I know, I shouldn’t be doing it. It’s just that, there is no one right now to keep me tied to my sense of judgment. Every one of my friends that I tell just solicits me to stop because they ‘love me’. Yes, I know that already, but love isn’t going to stop an alcoholic from drinking, right? You always knew the right things to say to me. I mean, my friends comfort me now, but my heart is set on your decision. I need you to tell me how you feel…but you fucking can’t because you’re not alive! This is so fucking hard, Alex. I can’t even think straight anymore. I mean, every time I look at the bottle, a switch turns on in my head screaming ‘DRINK IT. DRINK IT.’ I sadly usually listen to it.”
My face twisted up with anger at myself and sorrow for how he probably felt. However, I didn’t really care much, being the selfish bitch I was.
“Alex, I want you to know that I also tried…to kill myself a couple of times. You know…suicide. Well, I was intoxicated most of the times I tried, but that doesn’t make a difference. It’s like I only have the balls when I am drunk, thinking death would be easier.
I never thought that I wanted to die so bad. I just…can’t handle things without you. I mean, it’s almost been 3 years. 3 fucking years, man!
It’s surreal. I don’t want to live without you anymore. I don’t.”
I shook my head, kissed the stone got up and whispered
“Love you Alex, forever. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
I got up and started to run through the rain. No thunder and lightning were bubbling in the clouds now, they moved off. I just felt cold rain on my body.
I ran all the way home. All 12 kilometers of it. When I got to my street, my lungs felt like it had shrunk on me. It was getting hard to breathe. I held my chest as tight as I could as I walked through the door. The house was quiet, unusual for my household. I then realized my parents weren’t home and my brothers weren’t either. Perfect.
I ran upstairs to my room, shut my door and looked under my bed for my booze stash. If you’re wondering where I got it, I have my sources.
I popped open the large Smirnoff and took a long, harsh gulp. I cringed at the taste, but was satisfied that it was going down my throat.
I then poured some into a water bottle, and ran downstairs to my computer. I took long swigs while it loaded for my MSN to go up.
I rolled my eyes at the smiley faces in people’s names and private messages. Everyone’s a happy camper, eh?
I chugged the rest of the bottle, which left me wanting more.
Just then, her conversation popped up. My heart sank. She always had this way of making me feel guilty for things I haven’t even told her yet.
I looked at the empty bottle I finished in 5 minutes, then back at the conversation.
One more bottle couldn’t hurt right?
I ran back upstairs to fill up the bottle again, and I jumped on the chair to read what she wrote.
Hey :]
Oh look, another smiley face. Mother fucker. I shook my head as I took a long gulp, already finishing half the bottle.
I wiped my mouth from the residing vodka droplets on my lips.
Considering vodka is a hard alcohol, I keep alert. I could type properly…for now.
I replied with a small
Hi.
Then, she asked me how I was doing. I rolled my eyes and reached for the bottle again. I chugged that baby. The vile liquid almost made me want to puke, but I didn’t. I needed to feel numb.
I want to.
I sat there and waited for the ‘imparity’ to kick in. It wasn’t happening fast enough. I stood up quickly which made my head spin, and walked fast back up to my room to fill my bottle up for the 3rd time.
“Third time’s the charm.” I whispered while missing half of the bottle and pouring the remaining contents into the plastic bottle. I put the bottle to my pursed lips & let it flow freely into my mouth to swallow. Now, it was getting hard to see, or stand up for that matter.
I walked down the stairs carefully and sat down on my chair. I leaned back, and stared at the computer screen, which was now completely a blur.
I pressed my nose up completely to the screen to see it properly.
I slowly went to iTunes and clicked on it. I pressed the play button and believe it or not, the song came on.
Unbelievable. It was mine and her song.
Well, it was ours before. At least, that’s what I was thinking at the time. She had told me something the previous day that had made me want to break the computer screen. Considering she hurt me first, it was only fair to completely ruin our friendship, right?
I went to our MSN conversation and looked at what she asked. I stared at the keyboard, squinted to see the letters and typed loosely.
I’m pretty sure what I said made no sense. Oh well, I didn’t care at the time.
I didn’t even really understand what was going on. Well, I did, but I didn’t.
I didn’t understand why I was drinking. To hurt her? To make myself finally be with him?
I didn’t know really. I just hummed along drunkenly to Blue and Yellow. I added ‘fuck’ to every sentence, to make it seem classier. I smirked and took another sip.
At this point, Alex was a big priority. I mean, stress with school, friends, finding yourself, grades, love and sexuality.
It was all a big joke. It has always been a joke, and I finally wanted out of this little ‘prank’. So, all I remember was saying “I hate you.” with a couple of extra letters and punctuation marks in there.
The only reason I said that to her is so I wouldn’t have to tell her why I was really doing this. My impairment stopped me from saying what I was really feeling.
It also stopped me from remembering. Everything after that was a blur. I don’t remember anything after that.
* * *
I woke up the next morning on the floor in my room. I must’ve ventured off after I got pissed out of my mind and passed out on the floor.
I wondered how my parents would never have seen me. Whatever, I didn’t care.
I just sat up, to reveal my throbbing headache. Ugh, hangover. I stared at the floor and saw some of my painkillers spread out on the floor. I started to cry.
I’ve done it again! I’ve almost killed myself! I could never tell them. The two most important people in my life were probably mad at me, regardless.
I couldn’t face her. Not after what I just did. I don’t want to hurt her any longer. I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to hurt either of them.
I just sat there for a long time, and stared at my floor. I didn’t move, not for a while.
I preferred being a statue. I couldn’t hurt anyone.
I then started to hum ‘Blue and Yellow’ again, knowing it would cheer me up. I pictured him and her, standing side by side, smiling at me. I closed my eyes and kept them shut while humming. I wanted to stay like this forever. I wanted to be with them forever. I’m sorry. I never want you to leave and I never want to leave.
I smiled as I let go of the empty bottle I had tightly gripped in my hand.
♠ ♠ ♠
by Genesis.