The Saints Of Mibba
Ribbons.
First of all I’m not a saint and I’m not a hero. I’m just an ordinary teenage girl who hasn’t done anything to deserve a title like that.
I am ugly and horrible but so is everyone else. We are human and there is no point in trying to be anything different. I try and take life as it is but I hurt and cry and feel pain as much as anyone else, that’s life.
When I first joined Mibba I was young, naïve and mostly happy. I still thought Best friends were for ever and the worst thing that could happen was failing my End of year exams. But you know what? I wouldn’t go back to that for the world.
So much has happened since then. I’ve made new friends and lost old ones. I’ve ‘realised my sexuality’ .I had a girlfriend and I lost a girlfriend. I’m not happy about it but I except it.
Last summer I had a hate website made about me. It destroyed me. Whatever I say to anyone else I haven’t got over it and I don’t think I ever will. When I saw the list of names on the screen of the people who really did hate me I felt like I was the most worthless person in the world. I was naked and vulnerable and I dealt with it the only way I could think of.
I started self harming soon after the site was made and I haven’t been able to stop. I don’t worry about it It’s my private therapy and it keeps me sane. It helps me confront my feelings and it’s my drug. I don’t want to stop and I don’t care if that means I never will. I don’t want help because it’s not a problem for me and I’m fine the way I am.
I have ‘weight issues’ in two months time I’m going back to the doctors to be weighed again. I’m meant to put on weight but I won’t. Almost all the arguments I have with my mum are about food and that kills me. I know I shouldn’t but I blame her maybe if she didn’t make such a big issue about food I wouldn’t be so insecure.
Sometimes I lose myself. I pretend we’re still friends and she still cares about me or sometime I just cry. Last year I discover my guardian angle. Her name is Isabelle she’s about an inch tall and she’s a fairy. It may seem insane but she’s as real to me as anyone else. She helps me when they can’t and I love her.
I fuck up. I hate myself. I bleed. I love someone who doesn’t even remember I exist. But I carry on. I plan ahead. I’m going to make the most of my life even though sometime it’s crap because no one else can do that for me. I’m not going to let them win. I’m helping myself because no one else will. It’s hard sometimes, I’m not going to kid myself but I survive as best I can. I love my life and I never want to change who I am.
I am ugly and horrible but so is everyone else. We are human and there is no point in trying to be anything different. I try and take life as it is but I hurt and cry and feel pain as much as anyone else, that’s life.
When I first joined Mibba I was young, naïve and mostly happy. I still thought Best friends were for ever and the worst thing that could happen was failing my End of year exams. But you know what? I wouldn’t go back to that for the world.
So much has happened since then. I’ve made new friends and lost old ones. I’ve ‘realised my sexuality’ .I had a girlfriend and I lost a girlfriend. I’m not happy about it but I except it.
Last summer I had a hate website made about me. It destroyed me. Whatever I say to anyone else I haven’t got over it and I don’t think I ever will. When I saw the list of names on the screen of the people who really did hate me I felt like I was the most worthless person in the world. I was naked and vulnerable and I dealt with it the only way I could think of.
I started self harming soon after the site was made and I haven’t been able to stop. I don’t worry about it It’s my private therapy and it keeps me sane. It helps me confront my feelings and it’s my drug. I don’t want to stop and I don’t care if that means I never will. I don’t want help because it’s not a problem for me and I’m fine the way I am.
I have ‘weight issues’ in two months time I’m going back to the doctors to be weighed again. I’m meant to put on weight but I won’t. Almost all the arguments I have with my mum are about food and that kills me. I know I shouldn’t but I blame her maybe if she didn’t make such a big issue about food I wouldn’t be so insecure.
Sometimes I lose myself. I pretend we’re still friends and she still cares about me or sometime I just cry. Last year I discover my guardian angle. Her name is Isabelle she’s about an inch tall and she’s a fairy. It may seem insane but she’s as real to me as anyone else. She helps me when they can’t and I love her.
I fuck up. I hate myself. I bleed. I love someone who doesn’t even remember I exist. But I carry on. I plan ahead. I’m going to make the most of my life even though sometime it’s crap because no one else can do that for me. I’m not going to let them win. I’m helping myself because no one else will. It’s hard sometimes, I’m not going to kid myself but I survive as best I can. I love my life and I never want to change who I am.
♠ ♠ ♠
by Hope you choke.