Paint It Black

Tuesday morning, I got up and got ready to go to the studio. Yesterday really wore me out, so all I wanted to do was keep my brain running smoothly. I dressed up in a salmon colored floral top, grey skinny jeans and pink sandals, and headed out, saying goodbye to my mom and Chris.

Music had become a major part of me, after everything, so I blared it as I drove. The music helped keep my mind on track, where the pills lacked. I blared Midtown, a mix of songs, and sang along.

When I pulled up, I spotted Gerard and a blond headed woman speaking outside the side doors. I got out, walked over and waved to them.

"Hi," I said nicely; the blonde woman turned to me, she had a darker hair baby in her arms.

"Hello," she said politely, "I'm Lindsey," she stuck her hand out.

"Sunny," I replied.

"Yeah, Gerard told me about you," Gerard waved, his eyes hidden behind a pair of dark sunglasses.

"I hope it was all good," I said nicely, "and who's this?" I pointed to the little baby with a cute frown.

"This is Bandit," she bounced the baby, "my and Gerard's daughter."

I awed at her, Bandit is adorable, and I definitely saw the resemblance to Gee, "She has Gee's nose," I commented, "how old is she?"

"She just turned a year old."

"I'm watching her today," Gee grinned, "she's a handful of weirdness."

I felt a slight jealousy hit me, "She's adorable, Gee, not weird."

He huffed, "Just watch."
-

I hand been playing with Bandit for at least an hour as Gee was recording. Holding her came natural to me, and it didn't take long for me to fall in love with her. She was so curious and eyed everything. She wanted to touch everything, and when she did, she wanted to see what it did. Mikey had come in and let her play with his bass, and she wouldn't let go until he made her.

The way she roamed around made me even more jealous of Gerard and Lindsey. I could have been a parent, just like them, and it was all taken from me. That hole that I had for my son was digging deeper as Bandit touched my cheeks and pulled at my fingers. The band-aid that I put on that wound was peeling off painfully. 

"I need a latte," Mikey groaned as he came out of the booth, "you want anything?" he asked Gee and I.

I shook my head, "No."

"Large black coffee," Gerard told him, putting Bandit on his lap.

"Alrighty."

The engineer had left, so it was just us. Gerard bounced Bandit on his knee, cooing to her as she began to fall asleep. I envied the sight and looked away.

"Where's Ray?" I asked, trying to get the thought off my mind.

"He and Frank are off until tomorrow."

I hummed softly, "Can I ask you something?" I asked quietly.

Gee looked at me, Bandit was falling quickly asleep, "Sure, sugar."

I smiled at him, "What's it like? Y'know, being a parent."

He turned the corners of his lips down, "It's pretty hard, but a little fun, I get to play with someone who finds every little thing fascinating."

I tugged my lip, "I envy you, Gerard."

He furrowed his brows, "What? Why?"

"I've always want a kid of my own," I admitted sheepishly, "I feel a little empty inside."

He tweaked his lips again, "You don't need a baby to make you feel whole, Sunny."

I just gave him a small, forced smile. Gerard didn't know, nor did he need to. I don't know why I felt the need to tell him how I felt, but I did.
-

After the session, and a few shots of Gerard with Bandit, I went on home. I really wanted to talk to Butcher, I really missed him, and I really wanted to go home...to Chicago.
I got there, seeing that Tyler's car was in the drive way. Just what I needed right now. 
Note the sarcasm. 

"There she is," I heard my mom's voice as soon as I stepped in, "how was work?"

I saw Tyler sitting beside my mom, his leg crossed, a tiny smile and happy eyes. I gave him a smile, another forced one.

"I'm a little tired." Emotionally tired.

"You and Tyler go up to the guest room. Chris and I are leaving for another event," I rolled my eyes, looking away.

"Come on," I said tiredly to Tyler.

He gave me a playful frown, "I'll see you later, Marie." he gave my mom a swift hug and followed behind me up the stairs.

I opened the door to the guest room,  going in before Tyler. He closed the door, and came up behind me, sinking his hands around my waist. Every nerve in me turned and told me this was wrong.

"Let me go," I told him, "I don't feel good."

He turned me around, leaning down at me, "What's wrong?"

"I want to go home," I told him honestly, "I miss Butcher, Jack, and everyone."

He searched my face for a clue of something, "What happened? Was it Frank?"

I shook my head, "No, it's everything."

I was confusing him now, "Like before?"

I nodded, a little, it was a bit of the truth, "I don't really know...I think."

"How long is your job for?"

"Another 2 weeks," I rubbed the back of my neck, "I'm just wrecked."

"Want me to make it better?" he gave me a seductive smirk, and I cannot lie, it was working.

"What about Emme?" I asked him.

He shrugged, "She probably with some guy right now."

I didn't fight it, I could never fight it when I was with Tyler. He was easy to please, and he wasn't Frank. I never thought of Frank when we were together, but now I was. Last Friday was great, no one can compare with Frank; not a single soul.

"Do you have condoms?" we had moved to the bed now, almost nude, and my mind slowly processing.

"Bottom drawer," I propped up on my elbows, underneath him, and shirtless.

Tyler leaned over me, getting into the drawer, leaving me wondering what I was doing. Why was I doing this? To spite Frank? To fill full? To please my mom? I didn't know.

I let Tyler undress me, kiss and do whatever he wanted to me. I obliged with soft moans, kissing back, and simple movements. All the while, thinking about Frank; and not in a sexual way. I missed Frank, I missed him like mad. I would look at Tyler and say, to myself, that he wasn't Frank. No guy will ever be my Frank.
-

Tyler laid beside me, his hands tucked around my waist. My head was against my pillow, staring up at the ceiling, humming to myself. My mind was shutting down, and I couldn't wait to fall asleep, just to stop my mind from turning.

When I woke up, Tyler was gone, the moon was high in the sky, casting a silver shadow over the floor. I loved the sight of the moon, it inspired me to paint. I sat up, pulling the cool sheet around my nude body. I turned in the lamp, on the bedside table, and saw a small, post-it note.

"'Sorry I left, had to finish up a paper...Tyler'," I balled up the post-it and grabbed my phone, which had been beside it.

It was 10 pm here, so it was 1 am in Chicago, Butcher would be up, painting. I quickly found his number and pressed call.

"'Yo," his voice sounded heavy and tired.

"Please don't tell me you were asleep," I half joked.

"Ha-ha, I wasn't," he huffed back, "I was going to, but I had a feeling you'd call."

I shook my head, "How?"

"A hunch, Sunshine," he chuckled, "now tell me why you are calling at 1 am."

I sighed, "It's only 10, and I'm calling because I am homesick."

He awed at me, "You miss me?"

"Yes, I miss my best friend. I miss home."

"Coming back early?"

"No, I have two more weeks on this job, then I'll probably come home."

"What's wrong?" he pressed, "There's more than just homesickness."

I rubbed my neck, "I'm all torn up, B.  I don't know what to do."

"Is it your ex?"

"A little," I hugged my top with my right arm, "and Tyler. And my job."

"Yeah, I saw that," he started curiously, "you're working with My Chemical Romance, and everyone's gossiping that you're with their guitarist."

I sighed, again, knowing I had to tell Butcher the truth, "Butch, I need to tell you the truth," I mumbled, "but don't become Super Butcher and try and 'save' me."

He huffed, "I wont...so lay it on me."

I started slow, "Frank Iero is my ex. He's the one that gave me all these problems."

Butcher was silent for a moment, but then he sighed, an unsure one, "I knew it," he stated, "I could see it."

"Is that all your gonna say?"

"What am I suppose to say? I'm a little...upset, I guess, that it's him, because he's a cool guy, but he's the root of all your problems."

"What should I do?"

I could see him shrug, I could feel it, "You guys actually look perfect for each other...the whole short thing," I giggled, rolling my eyes, "Do you still love him?"

"I'm stuck on that."

"You pushed him away, didn't you?"

"Yes," I mumbled sheepishly.

"You talk to your mom?"

"Yeah."

He sighed, "What do you want, Sunny?" he asked seriously, "What is it that you want from Frank?"

I rubbed my neck, "I want to be with him so bad, Butcher," I admitted, emotions taking over, "I miss him so much."

"Go get him then."

"What about--"

He cut me off, "Forget what everyone else thinks, Sunny, you love too much, kid. Just go after your man."

I smiled to myself, "Really?"

"Yes!"