The Black Sheep

He was always the black sheep. He was the one who never really fit in, the one who no one really understood, the one who never seemed to be good enough. He tried so hard to be what everyone needed. He tried to be the perfect son, the perfect student, the perfect friend and it all crumbled. Every day he kept pushing himself and it was all for nothing. He finally realized he would never live up to anyone’s expectations. He would never make it big. He would never be what anyone wanted. He was a failure. He was a hopeless miserable loser.

As he stood at the top of that building he peered down at the world below him. Cars raced by, their lights casting shadows along the pavement. They all had their own lives, their own families, their own friends. They didn’t know him. They wouldn’t miss him. He would not be remembered. Time would not stop. The world would keep turning and everything would be okay. Sure his mom would be sad but she’d learn to move on without him.

He knew in his gut this was the right decision. He’d thought about it for a long time. When he woke up this morning he knew today would be the day. He got dressed and did everything he was supposed to. No one noticed anything wrong. As he climbed the stairs to the top he could feel his heart pounding rhythmically in his chest. He could feel his lungs expand each time he took a breath. It wouldn’t be for long. He was going to put an end to it all.

He didn’t believe in afterlife. This would be final. When he was younger he used to pray to God to help him. No one ever responded. Nothing ever happened…no miracles. Life stayed the same and eventually he got tired of trying. It was ridiculous. Those people talked about how loving God was and how if you prayed God would help you. It was all bull shit. No loving God would let him suffer this way. The God they talked about would have helped him long ago. Surely the great and wonderful God would not let him be standing here with one foot dangling off the edge of the roof.

Darkness was all around him, empty and suffocating. Dark clouds covered the stars. It seemed to fit his mood well enough. The cold breeze tousled his hair and he shivered involuntarily. It was spring but it was chilly. He had forgotten to bring a sweater so he absent mindedly rubbed his arms together. People don’t usually think about staying warm when they are about to throw themselves off a building. Besides, he wouldn’t feel the cold for long. He wouldn’t feel anything for long. Would it hurt when he landed? He didn’t think it would…he hoped. He assured himself he would die immediately, that he wouldn’t have time to feel it. He really didn’t want it to hurt because he couldn’t stand the thought of any more pain. He couldn’t take anymore. His heart was already broken and bruised…shattered into a million pieces.

He wasn’t really scared. You should be scared when you’re about to die but he wasn’t. He was just accepting that this is the way his life turned out. He welcomed death. He would finally be free of all the things that weighed him down in this world. It would be a sweet release. Maybe it wasn’t what he had planned but life doesn’t always go how you want it to. He thought he would have a wonderful family, amazing friends, play in a famous band, get married, and start a family. All those things that once seemed so important to him no longer mattered. All that existed was this moment. This was real life, not a fairy tale. Those dreams he once had were gone now because nothing was ever going to get better.

He tilted his head back and looked up at the sky. He breathed city air in deep. He was still aware of his phone weighing down his pocket. Brendon had texted him last asking why he wasn’t there for practice and if he was okay. He was not okay. Nothing was okay. He wanted to scream. Here he was standing on the roof about to end his life and Brendon was asking him if he was okay? He couldn’t even remember a time when things were ever okay…

There were a lot of things he never got to do in life. One of those things was telling his parents that he’s gay. He was really fucked up. He knew his parents would hate him for it. Brendon would hate him even more for it because he was the one Ryan secretly had a crush on. He never meant for it to happen. He knew it was really wrong so he hid it. At least now he wouldn’t have to worry so much about people finding out his secret.

He leaned forward a little. Should he go face first? He shook his head. He did not want to see the pavement rushing up to meet him. He wanted to fly. He turned his back to the world and closed his eyes. With both feet firmly planted on the cement edge he stood, arms outstretched at his sides. This was it. He was going to be free.

His phone vibrated. He waited for it to stop, thinking it was a text message. It kept vibrating so he sighed and slowly brought the mobile device to his ear with shaky hands. “Hello?” his voice cracked. It sounded strange even to him.

“Ryan! Where are you? You didn’t come to practice and I’ve been trying to find you.”

“Sorry,” he mumbled.

“Just tell me where you are.”

He couldn’t say it. He should have never answered the phone. He was so much of a failure that he couldn’t even kill himself right. “I don’t know,” it was obviously a lie. His words were quiet and tired sounding, dragging out longer than they should. It wasn’t his fault. It was difficult to make the words come out right because all he wanted to do was die.

“Ryan I don’t want to play these stupid games. Where are you?”

“The hotel.”

“You’re in the hotel?” Brendon’s voice rose. He was confused and upset.

“Not exactly…” Ryan shook his head.

“Where then?” the younger boy demanded.

“I’m on the roof…”

“What are you doing on the roof?”

“Umm…” was all he could choke out.

“Holy shit Ryan! No! Get down from there now! Don’t do this!” the realization finally hit Brendon.

“I can’t…” he muttered but the sentence stuck in his throat.

“We all care about you Ryan. Don’t jump.”

“I’m so sorry,” a single tear fell.

“Don’t you dare move! I’m on my way right now,” he was desperate and scared and Ryan could hear it in his voice even though he was trying to sound strong.

He had to do it now. He’d been a fool and this was his only chance. He had to jump now! “Tell everyone I said goodbye.” It would be quick. It was easy. All he had to do was take one step.

“Ryan no! Listen to me!” Brendon pleaded.

“I don’t want to listen. I don’t want to be here. I just want to die.”

“No you don’t!”

How could Brendon possibly know what he wanted? He had no idea what he was talking about. He could not deal with this right now. He could not deal with anymore fighting. He was so tired of fighting. He just wanted it to be over.”You don’t know anything!”

“Please Ryan,” Brendon begged and then he was there. He cursed the elevator for being broken today of all days and raced up the stairs as fast as his legs would take him. He didn’t think he ever ran so fast in his life. His muscles ached and protested and his lungs yelled for air but he ignored them. All he cared about at that moment was saving Ryan.

He slowed down at the top and caught his breath. He moved slowly towards the older boy, not wanting to freak him out. He looked so sad and broken trying to hold himself together. Brendon was not prepared to lose his young friend that night so he just wouldn’t let it happen. “Leave me alone,” Ryan said.

“I’m so sorry Ryan. I knew things were bad but I never…I should have….” He bit his lip as he gathered his thoughts frantically. “Your parents getting divorced isn’t your fault. I know you blame yourself but you were a baby. You didn’t do anything.”

“They fight all the time,” Ryan replied. “They never stop.”

“It isn’t your fault. Sometimes two people argue but it’s not the end of the word.”

“He drank so much and he hit me Bren. I know he didn’t mean to but it hurt…”

“Ryan…”

“And he’s so mad. They both are. They tell me I’m messing up my whole life. I’m never going to go anywhere with this band. I was so stupid. I fail at everything. Spencer wants me to focus on the band but my parents want me to focus on school and I try so hard to be everywhere, to do everything but I can’t. I just can’t. All I ever do is disappoint everyone and cause trouble. I can’t go on like this! I can’t be what everybody wants me to be.” He could not control all the chaos in his life but he could control this. He could choose to end it.

“You don’t have to. Be yourself Ryan. You are not a failure. You’re incredible. Don’t you trust me?”

He nodded slowly.

“Stop trying to do everything, stop trying to be everywhere, stop trying to be everything. I never realized before how much weight you have to carry because of all of us. It’s not fair.”

“It’s always been that way.”

“Not anymore,” Brendon shook his head. “It’s time for things to change.”

“I can’t do it,” Ryan replied.

“I’m going to help you. We all are. We’re going to be by your side always. Just take my hand and let me help you.”

If he was going to die he had to say it. It didn’t matter if Brendon hated him for it anymore. “I’m gay,” he blurted it out and it clearly caught Brendon by surprise. He looked at his friend with those brown eyes for a few agonizing minutes and said nothing at all.

Finally he spoke. “Spencer told me he thought you might be. It’s okay. You’re still the same Ryan we all care about.”

“It’s not okay,” the older boy protested.

“It is. I know everything seems really horrible right now but I promise you that it’s going to get better.”

Ryan did not know what to believe anymore. He started to cry, tears cascading in rivers down his face. Brendon grabbed onto him and pulled him into a safe embrace. He held him tightly. He would never let go of him again. “Are you mad at me?” Ryan whimpered.

“Of course not. We love you and we’re happy you’re still here. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you.”

“Love?” Ryan asked. Who could possibly love him?

Brendon nodded. “We all love you. I love you.”

“You do?”

Brendon pressed his lips to Ryan’s as the first few rain drops began to fall. “I love you Ryan and I’m not ever going to leave you. You don’t have to do this alone. It’s going to be alright now.”

Ryan didn’t know what to say. He was cold and damp and tired. He didn’t want to die anymore, he just wanted to go climb in a warm bed and sleep. He chose his next words carefully. “Thank you.”

Brendon smiled that brilliant smile of his. “You’re welcome. Let’s get you to my house before you catch a cold. We can share my bed and I’ll let the guys know you’re okay.”

He really was okay…wasn’t he? Because he was alive and he knew everything would be alright now. He did have a place where he belonged. He had people who loved him. He had someone to share everything with, someone who would take care of him and support him. The weight was gone. It was no longer crushing him down and the dark was no longer suffocating. There was light now and hope. He could be who he wanted to be, not what everyone else wanted. It didn’t matter anymore. He would do something with the band. He would make it work and become somebody special like he always dreamed of. And Brendon would be there always. Brendon would never leave him. Brendon would make it better. Everything would really be alright this time.