My Father, My Brother

"You alright Ellie? This is the second time this lesson." Donovan said as he put his hand on my shoulder and pulled up a chair beside me. I sat up and yawned, since he had just woken me up, again.

"Yeah I'm fine. I'm really sorry sir." I muttered groggily.

"Are you sick? Do you wanna go to the nurses office?"

"No no, I'm fine. It's just that we brought my baby sister home two weeks ago and I haven't slept a full night since! All she does is cry and it's driving me nuts!" Mr. Doherty smiled at me and leaned his head on his hand.

"Ah, a new baby. Congradulations on becoming a sister by the way. It wont be like this for long kid you'll see."

"I damn well hope so." I lay my head back on my arms as Donovan chuckled to himself and stood up, going to see to someone else. I was just lucky I'd finished my work in my own time.

"You alright? Here, try this." I looked up at the red haired boy in front of me. I saw him all the time, he was in most of my classes but we'd never spoken.

"Scott, right? What is it?" I asked suspiciously, looking at the little white tablet in his hand. I noticed it had a smiley face etched into it. He smiled warmly at me and leaned on my desk, talked quietly and kept glancing at Mr. Doherty.

"It's just a vitamin tablet. It just works as a performance enhancer. It'll wake you up." He handed it to me and winked before walking away. I looked at the little pill in my hand. It certainly didn't look dangerous, with the little smiley face on it. I yawned again and realised how badly I did need a pick-me-up. I put the pill on my tongue and swallowed it dry, feeling it move down my throat. I reached into my bag for my water bottle and took a swig. I held still for a few seconds, expecting a sudden rush of energy that didn't happen. I cocked an eyebrow at Scott, who just mouthed 'Give it half an hour' at me. I sighed and slumped back down, yawning and closing my eyes.

Scott was right. Half an hour later I felt a sudden surge of energy hit me like a freight train. It felt like I could run forever. I was suddenly seeing colours so much brighter. Had I been tired my whole life and only now had woken up? When the bell rang two hours later, to tell us school was out, it sounded so musical and beautiful. I stared at everybody and anybody as I walked through the halls and out the main doors. They all looked so beautiful and colourful. I just wanted to hug them all and be friends with each and every one of them. Scott caught up with me in the parking lot. He laughed and held my shoulder to keep me still as he searched my eyes. He didn't even look surprised and even laughed a little when I suddenly hugged him, rubbing my cheek against his.

"You're a cool guy Scott. We should totally hang out more, yanno?" I said dreamily. He gently pushed me off him and held me at arms length.

"Come on kid, I should probably help you get home." He led me onto the school bus and sat with me while I oggled the beauty of the world.

"What the hell have you done to her Scott?" A musical voice asked from only a few feet away. I reached out and petted Amy's curly red hair, that was suddenly vibrant enough to make my eyes ache but I couldn't look away. I'm pretty sure it was rippling on it's own.

"Just gave her a performance enhancer." He said in an innocent voice. He put his arm heavily around me to hold me down as I stood on the bus with a plan to go hug the driver and thank him for driving us home.

"By performance enhancer you mean...?" Scott nodded at her and she sighed dramatically.

"She's too young for that stuff man! What if she has a bad trip?" I waved my hand in the air, tracing colourful patterns with the tip of my finger and giggling at them.

"Does it look like she's having a bad trip? Look at her! She's having a great time!" I hugged Amy and told her I loved her.

"Yeah, yeah thanks." She said, pushing me away in the politest way possible.

"This is dangerous Scott. She might not have a bad trip but she could have a bad come down."

"No. Look at the world Amy! Who could be sad when the world looks like this." I said in an almost sing song voice, following the ripples of her hair with my hand, waving it back and forth.

"Your stop kid." Scott laughed, taking my wrist and guiding me off the bus and down the street. I danced happily along beside him, not even sure where we were going, but not caring either. I didn't even think about the danger of Scott finding out who my parents are.

"You here?" He asked, pointing in the direction of my front door. I nodded happily and hugged him goodbye before spinning up the path, admiring the brightness of the flowers in our front yard. He watched me until I practically fell over my doorstep into the house before he headed off back down the street to where ever he was going.

"Gee bee!" I sang merrily, kicking the door closed behind me and swaying into the kitchen.

"Someone's in a good mood." He laughed as I sauntered right into him. I immediately hugged him.

"I love you GeeGee. You're like, the best brother, dad thing ever!" He held me at arms length and seemed to sniff.

"Are you... Are you drunk!?[/]" He asked, smelling me again. I giggled and patted his ripply black hair.

"Of course not daddy-O! I've been at school all day how could I be drunk!?" He let go of me, but caught my arms again when I almost lost balance and fell over.

"What's up with her?" Lindsey asked worriedly. I hadn't even noticed her sitting on the windowsil in the corner with Bandit in her arms.

"Miss Ballato." I said almost seriously, tipping my invisible hat at her. She raised her eyebrows at me, before looking worriedly at Gerard.

"Ellie. I want you to look me in the eye. Look at me! Have you drank, smoked or taken anything?" Gerard said, looking into my eyes. I squinted and leaned closer to him because the parts of his eyes that were usually hazel were flashing lots of different colours.

"Man your eyes look awesome." I said, grinning stupidly at him. He practically dragged me over to the kitchen table and sat me down.

"Take Bandit upstairs." He said firmly to Lindsey, who swept quickly out of the room and returned very shortly empty handed.

"Ellie, what have you taken?" Gerard asked again, leaning down so he was level with me. I couldn't concentrate because everything was vibrating, including me. I didn't even hardly hear him over the buzzing.

I suddenly felt a jolt in my stomach, as though I had fallen, and it wasn't until I felt hands under my arms pulling me up that I realised I had fallen. I felt myself break out in a sweat and a wave of nausea passed over me.

"Shit... Lindsey help me get her into the lounge she's shaking like fucking crazy!" I heard the panic in Gerard's voice and suddenly felt myself panic. My vision started to blur and the buzzing my ears got louder.

"I think... I think I'm having a heart attack." I gasped as my heart pounded manically in my chest. I felt myself sob but there was an absence of tears. They laid me slowly on the couch and I curled up tight, feeling myself rocking back and forth.

"Alright El, alright." Gerard's voice soothed. I hadn't noticed Lindsey leave until she returned with a glass of water. Gerard sat me up slowly and tilted it into my mouth.

"Sip it slowly sweetheart." He said quietly. He gently unzipped my hoodie and took it off me, even though I was violently shivering. I whimpered at the cold.

"You're sweating Ellie you'll dehydrate and overheat. What the hell have you done to yourself?" He asked quietly. I saw Lindsey leave the room in my peripheral vision, leaving me alone with Gerard. A black cloud suddenly seemed to hang over me, and I just wanted to cry, to run and get out of there.

"It was just a performance enhancer. A vitamin tablet." I muttered weakly, real sobs starting to reach me.

"That was no vitamin. I think that was Ecstasy you've taken. Who gave you it?"

"A guy at school. I dunno his name." Surely Scott didn't know what he was giving me, he couldn't have known, right? I couldn't blame him when this was all a big mistake.

"You took pills off a stranger!? Ellie are you completely stupid!?" He suddenly yelled, making me jump.

"He swore they were vitamins cause I kept falling asleep cause your kid keeps me awake every night!" I suddenly shouted back, tears still flowing.

"That's no reason to take fucking drugs Ellie! Drink a fucking coffee like everyone else!" I visibly flinced. Gerard never swore at me.

"I didn't know it was a fucking drug did I!?" It was his turn to flinch and stare in shock, since I never swore either. He took a few seconds to recompose himself.

"If you're not in your room in fifteen seconds, you're grounded for six months." He said slowly, almost venomously. I slinked away upstairs, slamming my bedroom door behind me and crawling under my covers. I sobbed helplessly into the pillows, the black cloud suffocating me. My banging woke up Bandit and I heard her cry. Good, maybe that will annoy Gerard. I decided to do it more. I crawled out of bed and kicked everything, my bookcase, the walls, the door. Anything that my foot could kick, I kicked it. My room was quickly a mess.

"Stop that or I'll make it a year!" Gerard yelled through my door over Bandit's cries. For some reason I felt so irritable, that the sound of his voice annoyed me even more. I picked up my mirror from my dressing table and launched it with all my strength at the door. The shattering echoing around the room.

"Fuck off!" I yelled, locking my door before he had a chance to barge in. As he pounded his fist against my door, I put on my headphones and turned Metalica up full blast, leaning back against the door he was hammering on and sitting among the broken shards of mirror. I picked a piece up and examined it, feeling the sharp edge under my finger. I sat and sobbed, ignoring the vibrating of the door as Gerard tried to break in.

I pressed the edge of the glass to my arm, and punctured a small hole in the skin. I stared at the little spot of blood that seeped out and instantly felt a little better. Pressing the glass to my skin again, I slowly dragged it horizontally across the centre of my forearm. I didn't look as I repeated the process five times. Until it burned too much to stand another cut. I looked down and felt a little shocked by the amount of blood that had already smeared on my arm. I dropped the shard and stood up, making my way to my bed and laying down. The music was still deafening as I laid there, listening to the beat that matched my heart.

I was vaguely aware of my door finally breaking open as I began to fall asleep. I didn't even open my eyes as my headphones were yanked off and I felt myself being lifted up and carried somewhere. I could hear Gerard's voice sounding distant but I was too sleepy to make out what he was saying.

"C'mon baby open your eyes, open them for me." He said, a little clearer than before as something was tied tightly around my arm. I forced myself to open my eyes and the light seemed brighter than it should have. I had a headache.

"You stupid, stupid girl! What were you thinking!?"

"You hate me cause I took that pill. I felt so angry and depressed."

"You were just on a come down Ellie! You would have felt better tomorrow. Do you know you could have killed yourself!?" When I finally, and weakly, made eye contact with Gerard again, he was crying. His eyes and nose were red and his cheeks were wet and tear stained. I looked down at the bandage around my arm. When he'd tightened it, he wrapped his arms around me and I felt myself break down on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry dad..." I sobbed, clutching his shirt like my life depended on it. He lifted me up and carried me into his and Lindsey's room then laid me in there bed.

"You need to sleep this come down off Ellie. Stay in here for the night so I can clean up the glass in your room and we'll stay in there. If Bandit wakes you up, don't text or anything just try go back to sleep okay?" He said, tucking me in tightly. I was too tired to complain, I didn't even fuss about my jeans still been on. As he left the room I sobbed silently into his pillow, finding comfort in his familiar and reassuring smell. I curled myself into a tight ball and tried to hold the feelings of depression inside cause I felt as though they were about to explode out of me.