My Father, My Brother

For the first time in weeks, I slept right through the night. I was certain Bandit had cried at some point, but I didn't hear her. I jumped out of bed in a blind panic when Gerard's clock told me it was almost half past ten in the morning, and I was two hours late for school. I practically launched myself downstairs and into the kitchen where Gerard was sitting at the table, Bandit in a high chair beside him.

"Why didn't you wake me for school!?" I said through a mouthful of toast I'd just stolen from Gerard.

"Because you're not going to school today. Not after what happened yesterday. You need a day to recover and I'm gonna call your principle and inform them that there's a drug dealer in the school." He stood and made himself another slice of toast to replace the stolen slice. I hung my head in shame, a lump in my throat making it suddenly difficult to swallow.

"Sit." Gerard said, nodding to one of the kitchen chairs as he rummaged through the first aid box. I sat and watched as he pulled out a small tube and a bandage. I held my arm to my chest and panicked a little. I didn't want to see the damage I'd done. I couldn't even remember how deep I'd gone or how many cuts I'd made.

"Ellie, let me look." He said as he knelt on the floor in front of me. I looked up at Bandit as he unwound the bandage. She was watching me and babbling to herself.

"Jesus christ..." Gerard muttered to himself as he pulled the bandage free. I dared to glance down and winced. There were six deep, jagged, angry looking cuts in my forearm. My stomach churned so I could only imagine what was going through Gerard's mind as he reached for an anti septic wipe. He held my arm still with his left hand and wiped off the dried blood with his right. I hissed as the cuts stung like I'd been attacked by bees.

"I'm sorry. Just need to clean it." He muttered as he concentrated on what he was doing. He looked up at me as he rubbed cream over the whole of my arm. It still stung, but it was cool this time instead of hot and it was more soothing. He carefully and slowly re-wrapped the clean bandage around my arm and fastened it with medical tape.

"There. Don't touch or play with it." He said, his voice sounding distant and sad. I touched his arm apologetically and he looked up at me again, tears in his eyes.

"I'm so sorry..." I whispered, looking away as a tear escaped my eye.

"Hey, you weren't to know baby. Just promise me you'll never, ever, take mysterious pills from a stranger again, okay?" I nodded and he hugged me tightly, rubbing my back.

"Who'd have ever thought we'd be having this talk while I wrapped up your self inflicted injuries. It reminds me of... Nevermind, I'm gonna call your school so get some juice or something then go back to bed. You can throw a movie on in my room if you want." He said absently while flicking through our phonebook.

"Where's Lindsey?" I asked while I stood up, taking a moment as I felt a bit dizzy, then going to get a glass of orange juice.

"She headed out to the studio for the day, so I have Lady B." He smiled over at Bandit, who was now fast asleep.

"Did she wake you last night?" He asked, looking over his shoulder at me, the wireless landline in his hand. I shook my head as I took a mouthful of juice.

"Good. Go get your pyjamas on and get back into my bed. I'll be up soon to let you know what the school said." I nodded and made my way to my room, getting into my fluffiest pyjamas and a handful of my beloved teddies before shuffling into Gerard's room and putting on Marley and Me before crawling back under the covers and burying myself among the stuffed animals. Gerard joined me half an hour later. I heard him go and put Bandit in her crib before he came and crawled into bed beside me. I cuddled upto him and he watched the movie with me for about five minutes before he spoke.

"Your principle said he's going to do locker and bag checks to search for the drugs. Whoever gets caught will be suspended for 'a decided amount of time'. Should be kicked out. You could have been killed." He finally said, breaking the comfortable silence.

"What if he genuinely thought it was a vitamin pill too though?" I looked up at him worriedly. Feeling guilty about getting Scott into so much trouble, although I knew he shouldn't be dealing drugs at school.

"Then kids should be warned about taking medication from anyone but their doctor. I'm not having my angel being delt drugs unknowingly. Don't ever take mysterious pills from anyone ever again. Understand?"

"Yes dad."

"Good girl. How are you feeling?" He wrapped his arm around me and I cuddled into his side.

"Sleepy. I feel so drained."

"I'm not surprised. You lost a lot of blood, and you're probably still dealing with the back end of a come down. Try get a little more sleep sugar." He stroked my hair slowly, making me feel even sleepier and I closed my eyes, feeling myself drift off with my head against his chest.

He was gone when I woke up though. I yawned and stretched and glanced at the clock. It was two PM and I certainly couldn't stand the thought of staying in bed any longer. I heard laughing downstairs so I guessed Lindsey was home. I carried my teddies back into my room and got dressed in shorts and a T-shirt before going downstairs. The room went silent as I went in and I saw Lindsey look at me worriedly.

"So how are you feeling today?" She asked, concern in her voice, as I poured myself a coffee. Bandit was laying in her arms sleeping. Maybe if she didn't sleep so much through the day she'd be quieter on a night!

"Better now. Just in need of a coffee then I'll be fine." I took a sip and sat at the table with them. Susan trotted over and licked my arm, begging to be petted. I scratched her head affectionately, earning another lick.

"Does your arm hurt at all?" I shrugged my shoulders.

"A little stingy, but it's okay."

"You really scared us last night you know." She said softly, putting her hand on my good arm and looking at me sadly.

"I'm sorry..." Gerard excused himself while pulling a cigarette out of his jacket pocket and stepped out into the yard, closing the door behind him.

"I think it reopened some old wounds for Gerard. Don't dabble in that stuff Ellie, nothing good ever comes of it."

"I didn't take it on purpose! What do you mean by 'opens old wounds'?"

"Just... Be careful."

*Time Elapse*

"Long sleeves? It's June! Can you not feel this heat?" Scott said merrily as he skipped upto me in art class the following day. I raised my eyebrows at him in surprise.

"You're still here! Did you not get caught with those pills?" I said under my breath. He shook his head with a smile on his face, showing the shiny metal braces on his teeth.

"So where were you yesterday?" He laughed, sitting beside me.

"In bed. Why didn't you tell me it was Ecstasy?" I hissed, suddenly feeling angry.

"Cause you wouldn't have taken it! You needed waking up!"

"There's a difference between waking up and nearly killing myself Scott!"

"Nearly killing yourself? Did you have a bad trip? Or did you mean a bad come down?"

"The come down thing."

"But I bet you had a great time on the high, right?" I half shrugged, ignoring the memories of the bright colours and musical sounds.

"Then don't worry about it. Hardly anyone has a good time on their first trip. If you took it again it wont be as bad."

"I'm not taking it again!"

"Well if you ever want to... Here." He slipped a little plastic bag into my pocket and sauntered away. I frowned and pulled it out, scowling at the pills in there that were that were identical to the one he'd given me before. I shoved them back in my pocket as Mr. Doherty came round the class so that he didn't see them. Once they were totally concealed I put my head down and continued with my acrylic painting of the still life toy collection Mr. Doherty had set up.

"Looking good Ellie." He smiled at the painting over my shoulder and I smiled my thanks in return.

The pills in my pocket seemed to burn through the material of my shorts, constantly reminding me that they were there, making me paranoid that I would be caught. Between my art and math class I slipped into the girls bathrooms and transferred them from my pocket to the very depths of my backpack. I considered hiding them in the bathroom, but I feared that if they were found, my fingerprints could be traced and I would be blamed.

"So why are you really in long sleeves in this weather? You look boiling hot." Amy asked suspiciously in Math. I shuffled a little and tugged my sleeves further down.

"I just like this shirt."

"Don't give me that shit. It's burning hot out and you're the only person in the school that it's in a tank top or a little T-shirt. Does this have anything to do with why you weren't at school yesterday?" I sighed and nodded guiltily. She held my eye contact while she took my arm and rolled my sleeve up a little. She stopped when she saw the bandage and her eyes widened.

"You didn't?" She looked worried, and a little angry. I sighed and nodded again, breaking the eye contact in shame.

"Ellie you did something bad to yourself cause of a comedown!?"

"It was cause I got this massive feeling of depression, had a fight with my dad, I was exhausted, I got sick, and I smashed my mirror against the door and the shards were just, there, yanno?" I think I mumbled part of that but she didn't ask me to repeat myself.

"So you just thought you'd slice your arm open with a piece? You're an idiot. Just sleep it off like everyone else."

"I did. Eventually. I went faint and my dad put me into his and my step moms bed so I was away from the broken glass."

"Man that's really bad Ellie! Scott shouldn't have given you that shit. You're too young and inexperienced to handle it. As is now proven."

"I wouldn't have taken it had I known! He told me it was a vitamin pill."

"Well no more taking anything off Scott, ever. Understand? You're my friends and I think I need to look out for you a bit more. So innocent and nieve."

"I am not!... Okay maybe a little. I'll be fine though. I learned my lesson the hard way. Scott's lucky he didn't get caught out though. They would have chucked him out for that right?"

"Probably not. This school can get pretty rough with all the rich kids doing and dealing drugs, it's a regular occurance. A drug deal or someone getting spiked is just a day in the life here. There's prostitutes too. Just cause kids are rich and well educated, doesn't mean they have common sense. More money than sense actually." I was a little shocked. This school had a very good reputation and I didn't expect there to be so much undercover sleaze and degradation. I missed the predictable schools in Jersey. I felt safer there. Here, it seemed nobody could be trusted.

"Have you ever had one of those pills?" I asked Amy quietly, keeping our voices down so we couldn't be heard over the noise of a classroom full of rowdy teenagers.

"Sure I have. Scott and I take them almost every weekend to stay up all night partying, but we're used to them and expected the effects. You're a novice and you didn't even know what was gonna happen. That was negligence on Scott's behalf. If you choose to take them again, just be careful!"

"I don't want to take them again! I nearly died the first time!" I almost cried, then quickly quietened down in case anyone over heard us.

"I'm just saying if you do. What did your folks say when you went home in that condition?"

"My dad cried..."

"Jesus. That's tough man." At that point our math teacher came in and shushed us all into silence so we could begin the class. I couldn't really concentrate. Everyone knew it my was fault all their lockers and bags were searched yesterday, and they all knew I hadn't come in and something was wrong. Of course nobody knew the details, but I'm sure rumors were speculating and I had no idea what they were. People kept glancing at me and whispering and it was making me feel uncomfortable. People were staring at my arm as well, and I knew that they all knew I'd done something as a result of my spiking. I'd never felt so out of place before.