My Father, My Brother

I sighed and crumpled up yet another sheet of paper. I watched it fly across the room and bounce off the edge of the, now over flowing, waste basket. There were crumpled bits of paper everywhere, and I could feel my stress levels rising. I stared at the blank sheet of paper in front of me, then around at the hundreds of photographs pinned up on the walls around me, desperately seeking inspiration from them. I had three personal favourites. One of Gerard sitting at the kitchen table drawing, a cigarette hanging loosely from his lips, the smoke curling and twisting upwards into his hair. His eyes concentrated and focused on the paper in front of him, a steaming cup of coffee beside him and the sun shining in through the window and bouncing off of his shiny leather jacket and lighting up his eyes. The second was one I'd found in the family photo albums of Frank asleep on the couch, Peppers sleeping on his back with his head on Frank's shoulder. The third was one Gerard had given me from his bedside table, so I knew it was special to him. It was of him, uncle Mikey, and the girl who I'd been told was Rachael. She was sitting between the boys with a baby version of myself in her arms. They were all smiling toothy smiles at the camera, sitting on a colourful couch in The Way orphanage's rec room. I sat cross legged on the floor of the basement art studio, rubbing my hands frustratedly on my purple skinny jeans. I leaned back against the wall, fiddling with the laces of my yellow converse while I mentally searched for inspiration. Gerard must have heard my frustrated sighing and huffing because I heard his footsteps coming to join me.

"Here you go Sugar, drink this and take a break." He smiled and sat beside me, handing me a cup of sweet, milky coffee. He smiled at the over flowing paper basket and took a sip of his own steamy drink. I savoured the taste of mine, the sweetness tingling my tastebuds as I leant my head back against the wall.

"You having trouble?" He smiled down at me, an understanding look in his hazel eyes. I sighed and nodded.

"I've narrowed it down to three favourites. I've attempted all of them, but I can't get any of them right." I took another mouthful of coffee and looked away. He stood and looked at the three I'd selected and smiled.

"This one with Rachael... I've drawn it before. Would it be easier for you to copy my drawing than to copy directly from a photograph?"

"Maybe, but wouldn't that be cheating?"

"Well no I don't think so, it's still your work." He looked at me over his shoulder as he held the photograph in his hands. I smiled and nodded my thanks, as he rummaged in the art cupboard. It took him a few minutes to navigate through his many personal sketches and paintings that he'd stashed in there, but eventually I heard a muffled "Ah ha!" He backed out of the cupboard with a large canvas in his hands. He stood the A2 sized canvas against the wall, a photograph like picture on it. I was never not impressed by Gerard's amazing ability.

"What do you think?" He asked, hope and pride apparent in his eyes. I looked down at it and examined every perfect detail.

"I love it! I can really use it?"

"Sure you can! Want me to get you a canvas or do you want to do it on paper?"

"Canvas please. Though I'll do a few rough drafts on paper first." I took my paper off the easel and tossed it onto the floor in front of the canvas while Gerard rummaged around to find me a slightly smaller one.

*Time Elapse*

"Another A!? You gotta me kidding me!" Kayleigh whined the following Tuesday in art. I grinned proudly to myself, my prize winning canvas tucked under my arm.

"Did your dad do it?" Kieran playfully accused, shoving his own A grade project into his bag.

"Well he'd drawn the same picture before, and I used that to copy but it was my idea to give it a poppy, urban look, and to use different tools. He used pencil, I used pen, pastel and paint."

"Well it's beautiful Ellie. Especially compared to my C grade. Urgh!" I smiled at Kayleigh, and reassured her that her project was wonderful. Miss Ballato came over and leaned on my desk.

"Well done on your grades guys. I'm really proud of you. Um... Are you on the bus tonight Ellie?" I sighed internally and cringed in my own mind, but smiled slightly on the outside.

"No I'm not, dad's picking me up." She nodded and turned away, but not before I saw the smile creep across her face. Once she couldn't see me, I cringed on the outside, and glanced between Kayleigh and Kieran, both of them had their eye brows raised.

"That's weird El, there's no doubt that she fancies your dad." Kieran whispered.

"I know, but there's nothing I can do. I don't think Frank and Gerard are getting back together, and if he wants to move on, there's nothing I can do to stop him. I just hope I don't have to call her mom." I'd confessed to them both that Frank had left last week when they asked why he didn't pick me up anymore, which just made them both assume Gerard was going to start dating Miss Ballato.

"What's her real name?" Kieran asked in a whisper.

"Lindsay, but apparently she spells it L-Y-N-Z." I cringed again. My friends both rolled their eyes and continued doodling until the bell rung to signal the end of Art. I dragged my bag behind me and made my way to gym.

At the end of the day I was stood outside my home room waiting for Miss Ballato to collect her things, having agreed she was coming with me to meet Gerard. I'd said my goodbyes to my friends already.

"Ready?" She asked politely, her bag over her shoulder and a folder in her arms. I nodded and avoided her eyes, feeling awkward about the whole situation. A few people gave us strange looks and raised eye brows as we walked side by side out of the school building. As promised, Gerard's car was pulled up at the gate, and I could hear Frank's Black Flag CD playing loudly. He turned it down once he saw us approaching and smiled at us, or should I say at her.

"Good afternoon girls! How was school?" He grinned playfully at Miss Ballato and kissed her cheek when she slapped his leg good naturedly.

"Lyn-Z? Can I see you tonight?" I let my head fall back againtst my seat in the back of the car, not even trying to hide my exhasperated sigh. I was ignored.

"Well... Yeah if you'd like? I'd like that." He agreed to pick her up at eight and started to drive off and I hopped into the front seat.

"I'll forever hate you if you ever make me call her mom." I didn't try to hide my resentment. I did not agree with this.

"I wouldn't make you call her mom sugar. I don't even make you call me dad."

"But I love you enough to call you dad, dad. Am I home alone tonight then?" I looked away sadly. I hated being home alone. I got bored and lonely.

"You can either stay home alone, or you can go to Franks." The bitter edge to his voice when he said Franks name was evident and I glanced at him warily. I hadn't seen Frank for over a week and I missed him. Even if he was a love rat.

"I'll go to Franks."

He picked me up at ten to eight, seemingly to cut the time fine on Gerard's date. They didn't even speak to each other when Gerard answered the door to him, just called up to me and walked away, leaving Frank standing awkwardly in the doorway. I smiled when I saw him and slung my overnight bag and my school bag over my shoulder. Gerard hugged me and kissed my cheek as I said goodbye and followed Frank out to the car.

*Frank's POV*

I felt slightly sick as I knocked on the door of my old home. My heart stopped and my throat closed up when Gerard answered. He looked amazing, and smelled just as good. His black pants and crimson button down shirt looked so good on him, and the light eyeliner defined those hazel pools that I so often found myself drowning in. I felt my mouth open and close once as I tried to say something, but I just couldn't. He was so beautiful, and I had no idea how I managed to hurt him again. I had no idea what had tempted me to go with Jamia. He didn't even speak to me as he turned, called Ellie and walked away. I remained standing on the doorstep, since he hadn't asked me to come in it would be rude to do so. She came out with me to the car and smiled, ignoring the tension in the air, or maybe she just couldn't feel it, as we walked together to my car.

*Gerard's POV*

I sighed and closed the door behind Ellie, my stomach unclenching as I ran my hand through my hair. I tried to say hi to Frank but I just couldn't form any words when I saw that sweet face of his. Not that he tried to say anything to me either. I leaned back against the door to recompose myself for a few minutes before I remembered I had somewhere to be. I sorted my hair out in the hallway mirror, grabbed my jacket and keys before heading back out.

Lyn-z looked beautiful when I saw her. She was wearing a fitted black dress that came to just above her knees, long black boots and her hair was down and lightly curled. I smiled at her genuinely as she slipped into the passenger side of my car.

*Ellie's POV*

I sat awkwardly in an armchair in Frank's new apartment. Him and Jamia were sat together on the couch. I eyed her up whenever she wasn't looking. She seemed very plain to me. Black hair, eyes almost the exact same colour as Frank's, except her's were more brown and less green. I glared at Pepper's, who was curled up content in her lap. Traitor.

"What do you wanna do Ells? Pizza? Movie?" Frank smiled over at me. I thought about it for a moment, smiling inside at the fact he was trying to play the 'fun parent' by taking me out on a school night.

"Pizza sounds good." He smiled and patted Jamia's lap and I sighed almost silently, seething that she was coming too. I scratched the top of Texas' head on the way out.

"So Ellie, what music are you into?" Jamia asked over pizza. Typical adult trying to befriend a kid, asking stupid questions like this.

"I like my dads' band, I like Black Flag and Misfits and stuff like that." I said around the pizza in my mouth, not trying to be polite or well mannered.

"Oh that's cool! Me too!" I looked away and rolled my eyes. I didn't wanna have stuff in common with this... homewrecker! Frank excused himself to go to the bathroom and left me sitting awkwardly with her. I took another bite of my cheese pizza and avoided eye contact.

"So your dad's a really nice guy huh Ellie." She smiled at me. I nodded and took another bite.

"I thought he was."

"Thought?"

"Cheating on Gerard wasn't exactly the nicest thing he's ever done." I finally looked her in the eye as I spoke, and something flashed in her eyes, sympathy? Remorse maybe?

"I see..." Frank returned at that point, and didn't seem to sense the tension in the air.

"Did you girls have a nice chat while I was gone?" He grinned, taking another bite of his vegetarian supreme pizza and looking between Jamia and I.

That night I tossed and turned on the couch, repeatedly hitting my pillow to fluff it up a little. Texas was curled beside the couch beside me and Mama and Peppers were both laid by my legs, leaving little room for me to get myself comfy. There was also a scraggly black dog roaming around somewhere that Frank told me was called Sweet Pea, but she hadn't approached me, seemingly timid. I didn't care. It was Texas, Peppers and Mama that I knew and loved. They were still my dogs to me. I finally laid on my back and stared up at the ceiling as Peppers moved to lay on my chest. I stroked down her back slowly until she'd fallen back to sleep and turned my head so it was facing the back of the sofa and cried a little to myself. I hated this new arrangement. Why doesn't Frank just give up Jamia and come home to Gerard, so we can be a family again!? I miss my dads. I miss my dogs and I miss waking up to see the sickeningly sweet displays of affection they shared over a morning coffee and the cigarette they always shared. I finally fell asleep with thoughts of my family being reunited.

*Gerard's POV*

She tugged my hair and scrated down my back as we came together, the heat between us was stifling and emotions high. I kissed her as we settled down and laid side by side in my bed, our hands laced.

"Holy shit Gerard..." She whispered into the dark and I smirked to myself. You've probably guessed by now that our date went very well. She turned onto her side and leant on her elbow, smiling down at me before kissing me softly again. I touched the side of her smooth cheek and felt her smile against my lips.

"Remember when we met on tour and did something very similar to this back then." She grinned at me in the darkness, I smiled back and nodded, remembering the time our band toured with hers.

"Are you still the bass player for Mindless Self Indulgence, or do you just teach now?"

"I'm still in the band, I just sub teach between tours." I nodded in understanding and wrapped my arms around her, pulling her gently to lay on my chest. Her fingers traced the scars on my stomach gently, going around the 'fuck me' scar, and ghosting over the arrow. I shivered at the memory and pulled her closer, kissing her forehead and the both of us falling asleep like that.

*Franks POV*

I laid with my arms around Jamia, spooning her like I had done every night for the past week. I listened to her soft breathing and kissed the side of her neck lightly before slowly untwining my arms from around her and slipping out of bed. I checked on Ellie as I walked through the lounge. The three dogs laying with her all looked up at me, looking accusing. I petted Mama's head and leaned over the back of the couch, tucking Ellie in a little better with the blanket around her and kissing her forehead gently. Her cheeks were damp and the end of her nose was a little red so I guessed she'd been crying. I sighed sadly and made my way into the kitchen, closing the door behind me. I made a coffee and lit a cigarette and sat to drink it and smoke at the table. Sweet Pea followed me in and sat at my feet. At least someone was on my side. I petted her little black head and finished my cigarette, then laid my head in my hands and re-evaluated my life choices.