Secrets

He made it until December. He made it through his birthday; we even got to spend that last Christmas together.

That last month he was with us he was in the hospital. He always hated hospitals, but he didn't fight it. I think I understood why the day I got that phone call. I realized how horrible it would be if he'd died right next to me in our bed.

It would have been nice to hold him, though, instead of letting him die alone in that horrible place.

He left me with the loan he'd taken out to pay for everything he made. It's worth it, though. I'll always get new surprises from him. I took over his job and our parents paid for the funeral, so I'm not too concerned about money.

It was an open casket. He looked so beautiful.

But he was always beautiful.

The last months we spent together were amazing. He gave us everything we could ever want. We were a happy family; almost like nothing was wrong.

I miss him.

So much.

I cry every night before I go to sleep. I think about his arms… his beautiful arms that I'll never feel wrap around me again. I think about how I'll never again fall asleep in those arms.

There are nights when I break down completely, screaming and crying and throwing things. Emmalee hears me and comes in to cry with me. We hold each other tightly and sob; we're all the other has left.

I met someone. Just like he said I would. He's nice. We get along pretty well.

But I can't get close to him.

Getting close to him would mean admitting that Michael really wasn't ever coming back.

And it would be replacing the only man I ever made room for in my heart.