Not Strong Enough

I held on tighter, knowing full well that as soon as he was awake he would push me away. Complaining about his head and whatever excuse he pulled from the pile in his mind. It was the moments like this that I always cherished, that I always clung to. They made me think of a time when everything was better. Sure it had never been perfect, but it wasn’t what we had now. It used to be happiness, acts that were full of love, and the cliche brightness that they always talked about in the movies. A one-eighty of whatever the hell we were anymore.

Sighing deeply I pressed my lips to the back of his head, lingering for just a moment before pulling away. The slight movement of his body telling me that he would wake up within the next few minutes. Closing my eyes I shut out the tears that I refused to let spill and buried my face in the back of his head once again. Inhaling the scent that I had grown so accustomed to over the last nine years.

Our laced fingers were the first thing that broke, he pulled his hands away slowly, as if he were afraid he would wake me. Only when he rolled over to see me awake he groaned.

“Jesus fucking Christ,” he grumbled rolling back over to face the wall of our bunk.

“What’s wrong baby?” I mumbled placing my hand on his side, rubbing it softly through his thin shirt.

“My fucking head,” he pushed my hand away.

“Do you want me to get you some aspirin or something?”

“Just please stop talking okay? Just shut up.” he grumbled separating himself from me leaving a good few inches of space between our bodies.

“Okay,” I sighed rolling onto my back looking at the pictures that we had taped to it.

“Do you remember last night?” I asked knowing I had just told him I would be quiet.

“What does it matter? I thought you said you wouldn’t talk? My head is fucking... just screw it.” he growled.

“You did it again you know... you were with another girl,” I frowned glancing over at him hoping he would roll over and tell me how sorry he was.

“I’m not in the mood for this,” he grunted rolling over and climbed over me to get out.

“You never are,” I mumbled to myself as he disappeared.

I waited for a while, laying there waiting for him to come back, but he never did. When I finally gave up I lazily made my way to the front of the bus where Val was sat looking through a magazine. Plopping down on the couch she looked up from whatever she had been reading and smiled softly.

“Good morning,” she stated cheerfully.

When I didn’t reply she closed it and laid it in her lap and looked over at me with a frown.

“What’s up with you this morning? You didn’t drink last night so you shouldn’t be hung over.”

“Its Zacky, he’s.... being... weird again.” I stated not knowing what to really say.

“Who was it this time?” her frown deepened as she tucked her hair behind her ear.

“Dunno, some random chick. I walked in and he was making out with her... I got upset and left, he told me he was sorry, I accepted it and now he’s upset. Maybe he’s just hung over, I don’t know. But he didn’t want anything to do with me.”

“Why do you keep doing this to yourself?” she asked sounding more annoyed than anything.

“What do you mean?”

She pursed her lips together and looked away all while crossing her arms over her chest. I frowned knowing that I was probably in for it when she looked back at me with fierce eyes.

“Brian, you’re a grown man yet you’re acting like a dependent fearful child. We all love Zacky, okay? But there is a line in a relationship that you don’t cross, and he’s crossed it, dozens of times might I add. He does these things to you and you never leave him. You let him convince you that you’re acting out of line and then you forgive him and take the blame. Last I checked you weren’t the one swapping DNA with some random drunk in a bar.”

“You don’t get it Val, I love him,” I stated hoping she would drop it.

“I understand that you love him, but this relationship Brian, isn’t healthy,” she sighed.

“I thought that if you loved someone you were supposed to forgive them... you know, for everything that they do?”

“Yeah, if they forget an anniversary, if you have an argument, hell if they go to jail for a while I guess. But he’s cheating on you Brian, repeatedly and he doesn’t even try to hide it. How can you stay with him when you know about all of the times he’s been with someone else?” she asked sadly.

“Because... because I love him. If he loves me anymore I don’t know. Maybe he’s telling me the truth when he says he does, maybe he’s not. But as long as he keeps saying it then I’ll keep believing it and I’ll always forgive him.”

“But why Brian? Why do you do this to yourself? How long can you continue to use the excuse of loving him? Until there's nothing left of you?” her tone was almost pleading.

“I would be miserable without him, and maybe I’m miserable now. Either way I’ll always lose Val, but at least I can still call him mine. I know he cheats but even though he does I’m still the one that he comes back to. I’m still the person that loves him and that’s never going to change.”