Not Strong Enough

I had received the ‘look’ all day today. The look that told me I was screwing up, that I wasn’t all there when I needed to be. It seemed that whatever I did, one of the guys would look at me with that same expression on their face. All but Zacky, he was back to pretending I didn’t exist. I knew it was only a matter of time, but this was the quickest he’s ever done it.

We’d had an interview today, with who I couldn’t say. I didn’t pay attention and only spoke when questioned and even then I tried to give the easiest answer just so I could shut up. I just wanted to get up and walk away, just to leave all the bullshit behind me for just an hour. Was that so much to ask for?

I’d tried to get away the moment we were done, pulling the ‘I’m not feeling so well’ card in hopes to have some time alone. I was shut down quicker than I could finish and nudged towards the SUV like I was a damn three year old.

“Okay dude, what’s up with you?”

I eyed all of them as the car drove off to who knew where. They were all looking at me now, even Zacky, with some form of worry on their face.

“Nothing, just not into it today,” I stated looking him dead in the eyes.

“Dude you looked like a fucking jerk back there, even when you’re in an off mood you’re nice. So spill,” Matt ordered and Zacky finally broke the glare I had on him by looking away.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I sighed hating the fact that I was sandwiched between Jimmy and Zacky.

“Tough Man, you’re not acting like you and we’re going to get to the bottom of it.”

I shook my head and crossed my arms over my chest, they wanted to treat me like a three year old. Acting all mighty knowing that something’s wrong and giving me orders. If they treated me as one, then I sure as hell would act like one.

“I just want to get shit faced tonight, can we drop it?”

Alcohol was always a good subject to bring up, right? Matt’s face hardened in an ‘this isn’t over’ expression before he turned in his seat along with Johnny to face the front. I glanced over at Zacky who was too busy gazing out the window at the things passing on the street. It was Jimmy who didn’t let it drop as he nudged me with his elbow in the ribs shooting me a worried look. I shook my head, there too many people around and I still wasn’t in the mood to talk. Hopefully they would just leave it alone. Too bad I never got that lucky.

***

We did this too much. Even if I had suggested it, I knew it would happen. Another bar or club, endless drinks, loud music, fans tripping over themselves as they got the courage to come up to us. The girls who didn’t seem to understand that we were all taken, not that it mattered to a certain someone. It was old, and I wished that I had just stayed back at the hotel.

“Lighten up Gates,” Matt nudged me in the shoulder as he walked by with an armful of beers.

“Yeah, if only, if only,” I sighed picking up my beer and swirled it around just looking at it.

“Come on dude,” I felt a hand tug at my shoulder and I didn’t even have to look to know it was Jimmy over the loud music.

Nodding I tossed some bills on the table and picked up my jacket and followed him out, grateful for the cooler air and space.

“What’s up Jimbo?” I asked as he turned to walk around back.

“We need to talk dude, you didn’t think you were going to get off that easy did you?” he laughed looking back at me.

“And that’s my cue to leave,” I stated going to turn around but his hand gripped my shoulder pulling me along with him.

“Hey, either you talk with me, or with all of the guys. I thought this would be easier for you,” he stated stopping along the back wall and sat down on the ground.

Sighing I joined him, letting my head fall a bit too hard against the wall. Grimacing as pain shot through my skull.

“So what’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I’m just in dick mode today that’s all,” I replied staring at the concrete.

“Val told me about what happened a few days ago with V, about how you caught him again,” he stated causing me to cringe.

“So does everyone know then?” I asked, coming off in a bitter tone.

“No, she said she talked to you and couldn’t get through to you. She thought that maybe I could talk some sense into your ass,” I could only laugh.

“You? Jimmy I love you Man, but you’re not the best figure out there legal wise.”

He only answered with that damn goofy smile and popped me on the back of the head.

“I keep things interesting, but she’s right. I know things are weird between you two right now,” he started but I cut him off.

“Weird? Trust me, they’re fucked up, not weird,” I growled.

“Enlighten me dude, I’m not a mind reader,” he noted pulling out his pack of Marlboro’s.

“He’s doing that thing again, we go out and I catch him sucking face with some drunken bimbo. I leave, he gets mad at me, then convinces me to forgive him. That or he stays out, comes back drunk smelling like some cheap ass perfume, and convinces me to forgive him. He’ll ignore me then pretend like everything’s okay. Then it happens all over again,” I explained feeling more so depressed than angry.

“How long has this been going on? I mean I knew you two have been off for a while, why the hell didn’t you tell us?”

“Its been going on for almost four years dude,” I sighed rubbing the bridge of my nose feeling a head ache coming on.

“Why are you still with him?”

That line was going to become a broken record soon, I could tell.

“Because I love him, which is the same thing I told Val. It’s the same thing I’m always going to say, because its true.” I groaned.

“Well in love with him or not, I don’t care. This might be a shitty move dude, but even though you’re both my best friends, I’ve known you longer and I’m not going to let him drag you down. I’ll beat his ass before I let that happen,” he warned.

“I know you will, look... I’m getting a headache and I really just want to sleep. I’m going to head back to the hotel alright?” I asked looking at him.

“By yourself?” I scoffed all while glaring at him.

“I’m a big boy dude, and I’m not drunk. One beer won’t impair me walking less than half a mile,” I explained pushing myself up.

“One beer? Gates you’re going soft,” he mocked as I helped him up.

“Soft my ass you giant,” I grumbled.

“Panties in a twist too, this is too much fun. Maybe I’ll kidnap you and leave you to be Johnny to be tortured,” he proposed with a crazed expression on his face.

“Yeah maybe later,” I shrugged walking away only to be stopped for the second time.

“I’m serious though, this isn’t healthy for you. If you don’t do something about it then I’m going to leave the sidelines dude and deal with it,” he stated and I looked at him, searching his eyes to call his bluff but all there was, was worry.

“Yeah, alright... don’t worry about me though, its nothing I can’t handle,” I forced a smile and he nodded slinging one arm over my shoulder.

“Its just the matter of whether you make yourself deal with it,” he stated.

“When the hell did you become Dr. Phil?” I asked looking up at him.

“Fuck Dr. Phil, I’m better,” he grinned and I laughed for the first time in a long time.

He promised to keep the talk to himself as we parted ways, he went back inside and I waited on the light to cross the street. I could have taken a taxi, but I figured the walk would be better. It wasn’t often that I actually got the chance to walk around the places we visited. It was usually a non-stop ordeal. Press, photo shoots, rehearsals, shows, signing’s... sometimes it was like a never ending loop until you got that one rare day where you could just rest. Too bad the resting never seemed to happen.

The walk didn’t work, if anything it only worked against me. Scowling at the seemingly happy couples walking by. Why couldn’t I have that again? Why did they deserve to be happy when I couldn’t? Could I only have one, and not the best of both? Did I have to chose between the life I had worked hard for and the man that I loved? Then take it, take it all away if it means I could have the real him back. Put me on the streets, take away my name, do your worst. I would be fine if it meant I had my Zacky again.

The room was too cold, the bedding too scratchy, and the television was boring. I was tired, angry, depressed and alone. What a fucked up world, right? A person with everything finding themself with nothing to keep their head above water. Alienating those who cared and desperately trying to hold on to the one who didn’t. That thin line was gone and I wasn’t even trying to stop myself from falling because he was worth it. Like I said, it’s a fucked up world. Well at least mine seemed to be.

I had tried falling asleep for a good solid hour when the door opened. Laying on my stomach with my head facing away, hoping he would think I was asleep. I wasn’t sure who he would smell like or what kind of mood he was in and didn’t want to put up with it.

The door shut quietly and he stumbled over himself, cursing in a hushed as he threw things onto the floor. It wasn’t long before the bed dipped and I closed my eyes, only to open them in shock when he rested his head on my back and draped his arm over me.

“I’m sorry Bri,” he mumbled, his words barely slurring.
“I wish I wasn’t a dick anymore... don’t deserve you,” he sniffled and I frowned.

Zacky never cried when he was drunk. He was always a happy or angry drunk, depending on what he had been drinking. But never a depressed one.

“Still stay with me though... don’t deserve you. Don’t want to be... love you too much,” the words continued to spill against his back and I finally turned over causing him to shoot back in shock.

“Thought you were asleep,” he muttered going to get out of the bed.

“No,” I reached out to pull him towards me, he looked at me with tired eyes before laying back down.

“M’sorry,” he mumbled as I held him tightly against my chest, his words muffled and the heat from his body taking away the discomfort of the bed.

“Never leave me... shouldn’t have to be a dick anymore,” he mumbled catching me off guard.

What did he mean he shouldn’t have to be a dick anymore? He made it sound like a choice, not just something that happened on accident.

“Zacky?” I whispered looking down at him only to find that he was asleep.

Why did things have to be so complicated?