Not Strong Enough

I wasn't sure if he had been in some sort of trance the entire time, or the weight of the situation hit him as the words left my mouth. All I knew was that he had snapped out of it.

"No!"

I didn't recognize his voice as the word struggled to get out of his throat. Looking over I saw the tears that had been trapped now falling freely down his face.

"Why not?" I couldn't show how grateful I was that he had stopped me.

"Because… I've fucked up and I know it. Please just don't go okay? I love you, Bri. Just don't go, I promise I won't be a screw up anymore. I'll do whatever it takes, just don't go," he pleaded.

"I just want answers, is that so hard to understand?"

"I don't want to talk about it, is that so hard to understand?" he shot back.

"Yes, it is! Especially when it means that someone I love is cheating on me. I'm serious Zacky, tell me now or I'm gone," I yelled.

He fell silent again, pain stitched on his face as the tension in the room doubled. I couldn't believe he was going to just let it all end. I didn't see how something could be so screwed up that I couldn't be trusted.

"Fine then, just fucking stand there," I growled before turning back to my bag and zipped it up.

"Bri, please," he begged and I shook my head.

"I've given you chances, and you shot them down."

Making my way to the door I felt his hands on my arm, tugging back to get me to stay. My name falling from his lips laced in such pain that I could feel them threading through my heart and pulling it apart.

"No," I barked jerking away from him hoping he would just let go.

"Dammit Brian, just stop, please! You want to know the reason? It was fucking Michelle, okay?"

His words stopped me as they filled the room. Turning to face him I let my bag fall to the floor. I wasn't sure I had heard him correctly.

"Michelle?"

He nodded and ran a hand through his short hair, "she showed up a few years ago. You know how fucking self-conscious I am, and she knew… she knew every God damn button to push. She had me convinced that you were only with me because you felt bad for me. I know I shouldn't have believed her okay? But I did and I'm sorry."

"Why didn't you ever tell me? More importantly, how the hell does that make what you've done any better? How does that explain the cheating?"

With a groan the hand that had ruffled his hair now gripped it tightly.

"I needed to know that you loved me, and I thought it was the only way. Anyone can say 'I love you', Bri. I figured that if I could get you to think I was cheating on you and if you would stay with me, then you really did love me. Now do you see it? Now do you see why its so fucking pathetic? Why I'm screwed up in the head? I mean who the hell does that? Its like some horrible Soap Opera. Why do you think I wanted you to just let it go?"

"If you were convinced then why did you continue to do it?"

"I couldn't stop, okay? It was some stupid addiction… knowing that you cared about me so much."

"So you cheat on me? What was I supposed to think, Zacky? You put me through so much shit. All because you listened to the crap that Michelle spewed? Zacky… I was with her for what? Ten months during my freshman year in High School? I've been with you for almost nine years."

"That's the other part," he mumbled looking away.

"What is?" I asked him not knowing if I could handle anymore right field confessions.

"I never slept with anyone else Brian. The entire time we've been together, I've only slept with you," he explained.

"I've seen you cheat on me, dozens of times," I stated in a disbelieving tone.

"You've seen me make out with random chicks. Have you ever seen me do anything else? No, because I don't. It never went further than that. I wanted to convince you that I was so I could get that stupid fix of attention."

I couldn't think of a time that I had ever been at a loss for words. I was sure this was the first time it had ever happened as I stood there just staring at him. My brain was processing everything that I had just heard. All of it born from insecurities. Zacky… my Zacky, had been convinced that I didn't love him. Now I wasn't sure what hurt more, the past few years of him acting that way or the idea that he doubted my love.

"Bri?" his voice was quiet, wavering just the slightest.

"I can't believe that you would believe her, Zacky."

It was the only thing I could bring myself to say as I looked at him with a frown. His face fell and he stepped forward, reaching to grab me.

"I believe you though. Don't you get it? That's why it was so screwed up," he stated with hope in his eyes.

"If I couldn't convince you in at least five years of being together that I'm madly in love with you… then this isn't…. then isn't meant to be," I whispered watching as something inside of him died.

With a sad smile I took his hands in mine and looked down at them. I couldn't help but run my thumbs over his pale smooth skin before letting go of what I considered my world. Looking back up into his eyes I wanted to make everything better but pushed the urge away.

"I'm sorry," I whispered before kissing his forehead and backed away picking up my bag and left the room.

I didn't make it five feet from the door before I ended up collapsing against the wall. The force of what had just happened hit me and for a short moment I forgot how to breathe as my chest tightened and the tears finally fell.