New: The Sidelines

An Excerpt From Cornelius’ Journal:

HE FOUND ME CRYING. Looking back, I can say I was the perfect wimp. Whether that was the fault of my mother’s abuse or just the fact that I was always alone, I have no idea. . Nor did I really want to find out. The point is, Cade found me crying a little too often.
I remember the first time I saw the bug, though I don’t know exactly how old I was or even where I’d been. He still laughs - just like he had back then - when he retells how I mistook him for an angel, never having met a pixie before. I must have been only five or so at the time.

”Are you hurt?” he had asked, squatting down. His eyes had been abnormally large on his small, pretty face, and I remembered thinking that he was such a pretty girl, even with short hair and a hat. “What happened?”
I had sniffed and wiped my nose on my sleeve, then started wailing like the baby I was.
“Aww,” he had said, patting my head. “It’s okay.” His face brightened then and he stood. “I know! Come with me. My mom made cookies. They’ll make you smile and you can tell me why you’re sad.”
I sniffed and took his hand, allowing him to pull me to my feet as he dusted off the black shorts and white, short-sleeved shirt that was my uniform for school. “C-Cookies?” I asked. “What are cookies?”
He had frowned then, the air around him sparkling with green glitter. “I don’t really know. . But they’re good!” He smiled again and started dragging me towards my garden. “Come on.”
He had pulled me into the flowers until I couldn’t see my mansion anymore and then disappeared in a cloud of sparkles. I had started to cry again, not liking being alone.
All of the sudden, he was there, grabbing my shoulders. “Hey, what’s wrong? Why don’t you shrink? You’re a pixie, aren’t you?”
“P-Pixie?” I asked. Of course, at the time, I was barely even aware of what I was, let alone what Cade might be. “So you’re not an angel?”
He laughed, his smile mischievous. “My mom always calls me a devil, so I don’t think so.” He frowned. “You don’t have wings so-”
“Of course he doesn’t have wings,” a voice said and I looked beyond the strange boy to see a tall, pretty woman with graying, curly hair and a nice smile. She sparkled like the boy as she came up behind him, laying a hand on his head. “He’s a vampire, Cade. He won’t ever have wings.” She turned her smile on me and I felt warmth spread through me. My mom never smiled like that. “You’re Julian, aren’t you?”
I nodded, not knowing what to say.
Her smile widened and Cade said, “He was crying, Momma. Can he come over?”
I tugged the hem of my shirt, twisting and trying not to cry. “W-What are cookies?” I blurted.
The lady’s brows rose. “Hasn’t your mother ever made you cookies?”
I shook my head furiously. “M-Mother stays in bed all day.”
“I see. . .” The lady smiled brightly and held out a hand for me. “How about this? You come over to our big house and we can make some together?”
I bit my bottom lip. “I-Is that okay?”
Cade jumped up and down in excitement, clinging to his mother’s skirt. “Yeah! Come on! It’s fun cooking with Momma. And you can meet my brothers and my dad and my cousins and my fish. . .”
As he continued to rattle off the members of his family that I would meet, the lady took my hand and led me deeper into the garden.

That was the first time I’d met Cade and his mom. Later, they would become like family to me. As the years went on, I found myself sneaking away more and more to visit them. Sometimes I didn’t even go home. My father never minded and neither did Mom, but I was starting to realize that I was much different than the pixie clan. None of that seemed to matter to them, and still they accepted me for who I was. I was grateful for that if not for anything else.
And I was grateful for Cade - not that I’ll ever tell him that now. He was my only friend.
As he grew older, Cade started to get taller and more glittery, but he never failed to come to my rescue when kids picked on me. I still don’t know how he did it, but he was able to attend school with me and the humans in town without anyone finding out what he was. Somehow, he managed to hide his wings. I was glad to have him. Now that I think about it, I don’t remember ever being alone unless I was at home. Cade was with me wherever I went, no matter what. Of course, that might be due to the fact that I followed him everywhere, but let’s not focus on the little things.
It was a particularly bad day of teasing when I was seven that had me crying again. Cade had just fought off the boys who had decided it would be fun to throw red paint on me as we walked home. I had been trying to shield my new teddy bear from the rain. My mother had given it to me in one of her brief moments of clarity just that morning and I had wanted to show Cade. Surprisingly, a lot of girls had liked it as well, and that had just pissed off the rest of the boys.

”Run away, you chickens!” Cade shouted after the boys. His mouth was bleeding and he’d scraped his knee. He turned and ran back to me, kneeling down in the mud one of the boys had pushed me into. “Jules, are you okay?”
I wasn’t okay. Why was I always the one getting picked on just because I was smaller than everyone else? Why was I the one everyone hated?
I squeezed my teddy tighter. “He’s ruined,” I cried, sniffing. “The teddy Mom got me is dirty.” I looked up at Cade with hopelessness. “What am I going to do?”
“Julian,” Cade tried again. “You’re all red. I can’t tell if you’re hurt or if it’s the paint.”
I swallowed and shook my head. Mom was going to be so mad. “Why am I always picked on? What did I do? Why doesn’t anyone like me?”
Cade reached out and laid a hand on my shoulder and I looked up at him to see that he was crying too. “Don’t say it like that, Julian.” He sniffed. “I like you. I like you a lot. We’re best friends, aren’t we?”
I nodded furiously and he pulled me into a hug. “Don’t!” I protested. “You’ll get paint all over you. Momma-Fern will be mad!”
He squeezed me tighter. “My mom won’t be mad.” When I calmed down, he still hugged me. “Don’t be sad, Jules. I’ll always be with you, okay?”
“Promise?” I warbled against his chest.
“Yeah.” he stood, pulling me with him. “Come on.” He slung an arm over my shoulder. “Momma will know what to do.”

I’m sure that bear still sits on Momma-Fern’s windowsill in her kitchen, right where I’d left it after my own mother had died. It was a constant reminder of the promise Cade had made me and, as I got older, as things changed, I was glad that I hadn’t promised him back. I never would have been able to keep it.
The rest of that year, I had learned to defend myself a little with the help of Cade and his brothers. And, after a while, I could say that I was relatively happy. But Mom was getting worse. Really worse. She started only the week after she’d given me that bear to steal my blood. It was all the house-keepers could to do keep her away from me and Father was leaving more frequently and staying away longer. By the time my birthday rolled around, Cade and his family already knew what was going on and why they couldn’t come over anymore and why I was staying over with them any chance I got.
The night my father killed my mom was horrifying. I won’t even bother writing the details down because I’m sure they’ll always stay fresh in my memory. Just as I’m sure showing up on Cade’s door covered in blood and hollow will stay burned in his mind like a brand.

”Mom!” he’d yelled, catching me as I stumbled a little.
One of his brothers - the eldest, Ken - ran around the corner. He must have been around nineteen. “Jesus! What the hell happened?” Alarm was in his voice as he swept me up into his arms.
“Ken!” Momma-Fern had snapped, her voice muffled by the distance. She must have been in the kitchen. “What have I told you about swearing?!”
“Mom!” Ken snapped back, nearly running me down the long hall. “This isn’t the time to be worrying about that.” He was having a hard time getting past the rest of the family, who was mobbing the hallway.
“Oh, what’s the prob-” Momma-Fern had started only to stop on a squeal, dropping her apron from where she’d been drying her hands. “Holy daisies!” She pushed through everyone, shoving them violently aside to get to me. “Julian! What happened?”
Cade sniffed. “I-Is he gonna be okay?”
I turned my aching head to look at him. I thought it was funny that Cade was crying. I was the crier, not him. He seemed to be sparkling more than normal, too. In fact, I think in that moment, I never really noticed just how much the whole house sparkled. Dust coated everything in a fine, permanent sheet, seeming to make the very foundations glow.
I reached out to Cade and he grabbed my hand tightly. I couldn’t cry this time. There was nothing left in me, it seemed. I didn’t know what to feel. Everything was wrong, so wrong. There was so much pain, but I didn’t feel anything.
“He’s in shock,” Momma-Fern said, smoothing my hair back. She sucked in a breath as she moved my collar down to see the deep bite marks I knew my mom had left. They had never healed properly. “Lizzie, get the spare bed from the attic and set it up in Cade’s room. Make sure to get fresh sheets. Tin, get hot water and clean cloths and a couple towels. Take Jasper with you to help. Colleen, go tell your Uncle Leed that he needs to call the doctor.”
Colleen, who was only six or so, trembled, her eyes filling with tears. “B-But Uncle Leed doesn’t like to be woken-”
“I know!” Momma-Fern snapped and everyone flinched. She sighed and softened her voice. “I know. Tell him it’s an emergency. He’ll understand. Go. All of you. Ken, Cade, follow me.”
Turning, she led the way up to Cade’s room and laid me in his bed. I thought that it was weird since I always slept in the spare bedroom, but I liked Cade’s room. It smelled like him and he had lots of cool things. When the sun rose, the different colored glass he had hanging in front of his windows made his room shine.
Ken shifted nervously, but Momma-Fern was brisk and efficient as she stripped me down to my underwear. “Ken,” she said quietly. “Search through Cade’s clothes and find some pajamas for Julian to wear.”
Grateful for something to do, he went to Cade’s dresser, pulling out drawers.
“Mom?” Cade asked hesitantly. “What’s wrong with him?”
Lizzie, almost twenty-one, came in with the bed then, and Ken helped set it up next to Cade’s just as Tin (seventeen then) and Jasper, small and probably five, came in with hot water and towels, setting them on the bedside table.
I didn’t even flinch as Momma-Fern started to wipe me down. Everyone stood around in awkward silence. When she started to hum, the tension left and I began to relax, trying not to think about what I’d just witnessed.
But she stopped. “Julian, my sunbeam,” she said softly. “What happened?”
Cade was on the bed with me, still holding my hand and he patted it. “It’s okay to tell us, Jules.”
I looked up at him and felt the first flickers of fear. “You’ll hate me.”
He glanced at his mom briefly. “Nuh-uh. We’re friends, ‘member?”
I swallowed and winced when Momma-Fern held a cloth to my neck, covering the marks Mom had left. “Mom. . She’s gone. Dad killed her.”
There were gasps and I watched the younger children get shuffled out of the room before Momma-Fern said through clenched teeth, “Julian, I need to know what happened.”
Suddenly aware that she was very angry, I burst into tears. “It was all my fault! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to. I should’ve listened to Nana and stayed away from Mom, but it’d been so long since I’d seen her.”
Momma-Fern shushed me and pulled me close, stroking my head. “It’s okay, Julian. I understand. You don’t have to say anymore, but you listen to me. It was not your fault. Your mom is. . sick. There’s nothing you can do about that. You did nothing wrong, sunbeam.”
“Y-You don’t hate me, Momma-Fern?” I sobbed, clutching to her.
She squeezed me. “Of course not. You’re my precious little sunbeam. Just like Cade is my honey. I love you. Nothing can change that.”
“M-Me too,” Cade cried, his face dripping with his dusty tears as he wiped his nose. “I told you, Jules. We’re best friends. Forever and ever. I’ll always be here.” He hugged my back. “So don’t feel lonely, okay? Don’t cry.”
I cried harder, the gravity of what had happened just minutes before sinking in and all they did was sit and hold me, crying with me just as much.

The rest of the night was a blur. I only remember waking up to find that Cade and I had slept in the same bed, curled around each other. It’s embarrassing now, sure, but then it had been the greatest comfort I’d ever been given.
Cade helped me get through the next years by keeping his promise. He stood by me and helped me get through the worst of everything. I practically lived in his house for the next two years. But I was changing. I could feel it in me. Slowly, I was becoming more and more guarded as I continued to get picked on and tried to cope with the fact that my father was ignoring my existence and my mother was gone.
But Cade couldn’t stay by me forever. I should have realized that sooner, but I was still clinging to that child’s promise. As we got older, he started to leave me behind to chase after girls and other friends. I didn’t blame him, but it wasn’t as if I could join him in the sun when I was a shadow. It was so obvious that I didn’t fit in with anyone. Cade just never noticed that, as he made new friends and became more and more popular, I was running just to try and keep up with him. That would take a toll on anyone.
When I reached fourteen and the Change hit, I was hardened and untrusting of everyone. I had even stopped going to see Momma-Fern, having decided that getting close to anyone just meant getting hurt. I don’t even remember how we grew apart, or when I had stopped being “Julian” and had become “Cornelius”. It had just sort of happened. I don’t even know why I had chosen that name. Maybe to be a reminder, like the bear my mom had given me, that it was time to stop sniffling and grow up. That it was time to become what I was.
It wasn’t until I met Pheobe that I realized that in doing all that I had done exactly what my father had done all those years ago on the night he saved me: I’d killed myself.

“What are you doing?”
I looked up to see Pheobe leaning over me. She’d finally let her hair grow out after constant nagging from me and the wolf and it reached the middle of her back. She laid a hand on my shoulder and I covered it with my own, smiling in a way I‘d never thought possible a few years ago.
“I’m writing it all down,” I told her. “Just like you said I should. And you’re right; it helps.”
She smiled and my heart swelled. “Maybe one of these days you’ll let me read it.”
I brought her other hand up and kissed her wrist. “You already know everything. No need to bring it all up again.”
She snorted. “You probably didn’t tell me the embarrassing stuff.”
I frowned and snapped the book shut. “You’re right. I didn’t. In that case, no, you can’t read it. Ever.”
She laughed and kissed me. “Says you.” She sighed and wrapped her arms around me. “So we’ve spent the last six Christmas’s together and, though I love every minute I spend with you, don’t you think there’s somewhere else you’d rather be?”
Leave it to Pheobe to notice the little things.
I placed my hand on the leather binding of the journal and sighed. “I don’t want to leave you here alone.”
“I won’t be alone.”
I scowled. “Because that makes it so much better.”
She kissed my neck and I knew I’d never get tired of that. “I’m the principal. What did you expect? I can’t just leave the school.”
“I know.” I let the silence fall over us and wondered when it had gotten this normal to be with her. “I think,” I started, “that I’m going to go home this Christmas.”
She straightened in surprise. “To your dad’s? Really?”
I smiled. “No. That’s not the home I’m talking about. It’s about time I settled some things.”
She gave me a fierce kiss, squeezing me. “I knew I loved you.” She patted my shoulder. “Give Cade my regards, okay?”
As she left, I stared at my journal, wondering when exactly Pheobe had gotten so good at reading me. She had probably seen my nervousness, but, thankfully, she hadn’t called me on it. I was just hoping that that promise Cade had made me so long ago was still valid. I sincerely hoped so.