If You Only Had a Heart

Sitting in the small diner, just a little way out of Phoenix waiting for Karen to show herself, my thoughts still escaping to my little boy, and his beautiful mother. My heart ached at the thought of leaving them again, with touring and everything. I don’t think it would be fair on Little John if I kept disappearing all the time, he needs to have a father figure who is always going to be there for him, same goes for Chris, she’s going to need someone there with her all the time, I know she’s strong and has been through a lot of shit since I left that time but no woman should have to be alone, be a single mother. It’s just not right.

The small bell on top of the door jingled as the tall blonde walked in, her eyes grazing over everyone until they settled on me, a small smile placed on her plump pink lips. She walked over, slowly placing herself in the seat opposite mine, resting her hand on top of mine, caressing soft circles into my skin.

“Hey baby” she smiled, showing her pearly white teeth.
“Hey” I sighed.

Turning my face away from her, so I could stare are the desert that surrounded us, the occasional car that passed.

“John? What’s wrong?” she asked worriedly.

I wasn’t sure if she was worried about me or the fact that this could be a possible break up for her. Its hard to tell with her, like its hard to tell if she loves me the way Chris did or does… the guilt was building up inside me. But I knew I had to make the right decision and this seems to be it.

Chris

“Mommy, is daddy coming back?” the little boy who was snuggled into my chest asked.

“I’m sure he will, baby” I smiled weakly at him.

I hated lying to my boy, because the truth was John wasn’t coming back, he never had the intention of being a family. He was the coward I always knew he was. John was never going to understand why his dad was there one minute and gone the next, he was going to ask those questions and I wont be able to answer them. He didn’t deserve the shit John had put us through, being messed about. There is no chance I am ever letting John near his son again, he had both chances and he blew them without a care in the world, he’s made his bed now he can lay in it.

It was Christmas eve, I was sat in my bedroom wrapping up the last few presents for John. He had been a sleep for a few hours now, excited about the following day to come. I knew he missed his father, seeing as it was the first thing I read off the top of his huge Christmas list.



1. I want daddy to come home to be a family my momma wants him back too



When I read that the night he ‘sent’ it, it made my heart ache, knowing that was the one thing he truly wanted, it made me realise how bad it had affected him too, so much that he’s picking up on whatever emotions I have left over him.

It was not long before midnight when there was a knock at the front door, no one had any reason to be here this late on Christmas Eve. I grabbed my dressing gown from behind my door, as I made my way towards the front door. I opened it slowly, peaking my head around to look out the gap, when I came face to face with someone I hadn’t see in months, I opened the door wider before pulling him into a hug.

“It’s so nice to see you again, Chris” he spoke softly into my hair.