On the Outside Looking In

I was so happy after me and Gerard's talk today, I felt a lot less paranoid. I walked up the steps to the guards lounge a lot happier than usual, a smile on my face instead of worrying about being suspicious.

I hopped up each step and as I reached the door, a sudden pang of worry hit me as I saw Zacky through the side window. I opened the door stealthily so he didn't notice.

As I walked in, I was greeted by a few looks; the kind women would get if they were promiscuous, and then confusion. Mikey, Frankie, RayRay, Johnny, Shadz, they all kinda looked on at me confused, trying not to show it. Zacky was stood there loving it. What a fucking prick.

"Umm, hi guys." I said walking over to the coffee machine.

"Oh, Hey Syn!" Zacky said in a slightly obvious higher and more enthusiastic pitch. I cringed as Matt snickered. What the fuck was going on? Were they stoned or taking the piss?

"I don't know what's going on here, am I missing the joke?" I asked, kind of worried about the answer.

"Oh nothing, just, we're all queers in here, there's no need to hide in that big ol' closet of yours!" Zacky replied. Fucking shit sauce dude! He'd told them, and I could see Mikey and Frank snickering in the background. I felt so awkward as I stood in the middle of the room. I looked at each of them before moving and hiding out in the bathrooms.

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As I sat in the bathrooms, I contemplated many things behind the cubicle door. Hanging myself, too extreme. Cutting myself, against everything I believed in; and it would ruin my tatts. Staying in here forever was an idea, or there was of course running away with Gerard now and just staying out on the road. But, that was more difficult.

I held my hands together and twiddled my thumbs. My thoughts buzzed around my head like they were on electric cables, and I couldn't cope with this shit.

I heard a door squeak open and a voice. "Syn?" I heard Frank's voice enquire. "Syn? You in here dude?" I wiped my eyes and nose and sniffed.

"Yeah I'm in here bro." I sniffed in reply. I couldn't help but cry; the people who I thought were my friends were laughing at me for who I was.

"Dude, look, Zacky was just being an asshole, he probably smoked a dodgy cig at lunch or something, you know? Come back out, we won't bite, I promise." He soothed. I wiped my eyes smudging my eyeliner a tad. I unlocked the cubicle and took Frank into a hug.

"Thanks Frankie, you made me feel a bit better. As long as Zacky doesn't piss me off I'm sure you're safe." I said into his shoulder. He nodded his head and chuckled. I released him and we walked out into the room.

"Ohh the bum boy's emerged again! Bet that's not the only place he emerges from. What's it like in Gee's ass bro?" Zacky said, making Shadz smile. I could see from the back of Frankies head that he was trying to get them to stop. It was so immature; I couldn't believe him.

"I'm not your bro." I replied coldly.

"Oohhhh did someone premature?" Zacky laughed immaturely. Shadz joined in and I could hear Johnny snickering quietly. Frankie held a comforting arm around my shoulders.

I wiped my forehead and just sat on the beanbag taking his digs and blows. I couldn't give a fuck anymore.