On the Outside Looking In

I stood by the door, clutching my face after I had received a blow from the guy I liked. I felt like fucking shit. What the fuck had I done? Syn could be anywhere, and angry; he could be doing anything. God, why do I always fuck things up? We could have been something, something special.

I walked to the taps and poured myself a glass of water; my whole body was shaking with regret, fear and worry. I felt my stomach acid rise and make me feel sick, and I had to dash to the bathrooms.

Leaning over the bowl, I realised that I should’ve just respected his choice. What the hell was I thinking being such a dick to my best friend? I reached up and flushed, before checking my face in the mirror.

All I could see was Syn’s angry face before he punched me; I felt so ashamed of what lust had turned me into. Just one kiss would be enough for me. I know it wouldn’t go even as far as that now; we’d probably never talk again in all honesty, but I wanted to make everything right.

I had to find Syn after work, I needed to apologise and get my fucking head straight.

I sat in silence in the lounge; I didn’t think it right to speak. The guys might think I was a total bitch now. I certainly realised I was.

I thought back to the school days, when we were all eight years old. We wanted to start a band, Syn even learnt guitar and came up with some lyrics. Him and his Father (Papa Gates, we called him) would play together when we came over; he loved sing-alongs. I wish I could just go back to those days. I knew a bit of guitar now but he was the best musician I knew. That’s when we all came up with nicknames for ourselves too; Synyster Gates was Syn’s; Zacky Vengeance was mine; M. Shadows was Matt’s and Johnny Christ was Johnny’s. We had this other friend too, Jimmy. He was always just The Rev. We started making up stupid songs and playing a little when we were teens. Then we ended up working here, and Jimmy went off to be in another band, although I don’t know where that led him.

I missed those days and realised I had to get away for a while sometime to clear my head and perfect my guitar. I needed to get us all back together again, even if it meant hurting people in the process. I thought the music would bring us together like it had as kids.