Counting Airplanes

“And who is your hero, Sarah?”

My history teacher’s voice chimed over the different conversations that were quickly beginning to overtake the small classroom. The chitchat came to a halt as all eyes focused in on me.

I had been in my seat somewhere in the middle of the rows of desks, silently praying that she wouldn’t call on me, but as always, she did.

Miss Jones was one of the many teachers that always tried to get me to “come out of my shell.” I wasn’t in a shell; last time I checked, I hadn’t turned into a turtle.

Flipping my thick black hair over my shoulder and plastering a confident smile on my face as I fired out my answer.

“Well, Miss Jones, I wouldn’t say that I have a hero. Though there are many people that inspire me, I wouldn’t necessarily say that I have a hero.”

She blinked her wide blue eyes at me before responding with a “thank you, Sarah” and moving on to the next person.

Though I’d never admit it to anyone, my answer was complete bullshit. My hero was the shaggy-haired boy that sat in the back of the class, his head in the clouds as he daydreamed about the only thing he really wanted in life: to be famous.

Though my brain told me that there was no way some teenage boy from Minnesota could ever end up in Hollywood, my heart wanted so badly for him to make it. If anyone deserved it, it was James. He was a very positive and upbeat guy, and he also had the talent and the drive to reach his goal. He just lacked the opportunity.

I’d seen him sing in the school’s annual talent show a couple times, and he just had that presence about him, something that knocked myself and the students around me a little off our feet.

While most people viewed James Diamond as the stereotypical airhead pretty boy, I knew there was more to him than that. And unlike the other girls, I wasn’t lying to myself; I wasn’t trying to force some sort of depth to James just because he was attractive and I wanted some sort of relationship with him. Honestly, I’d become immune to his good looks and charm years after years of him hanging around my house. He and my older brother Logan were best friends, although they couldn’t have been any more different.

But I guess opposites attract, right?

While James was the gorgeous and outgoing ladies man, Logan would rather spend his time cooped up in his bedroom conducting some sort of experiment or reading some lame book. I worried about my brother’s social life at times, but I didn’t care enough to intervene.

I was somewhere in between. Though I didn’t ooze confidence like James, I wasn’t a complete social recluse like Logan. I was just…normal. As normal as any hormone-fueled teenage ticking time bomb can be, that is.

The final bell rang, startling me from my thoughts as everyone around me began throwing their things into their book bags and ducking out the door. I was in no hurry; my mom wouldn’t be there to pick us up for another hour. Logan has a Quiz Bowl meeting every Thursday after school, and our mother refused to pick me up at regular time just to return shortly after to pick up Logan. She called it a waste of gas; I called it a waste of my time.

I glanced back to see James standing by the side of his desk, waiting on the people in his row to leave so that he could get through. He smiled and waved slightly as soon as his hazel eyes met my gaze.

“Hey Sarah, what’s up?” he asked. The line had eased up, and he was now at my desk.

“Nothing much,” I smiled. “Gotta find some way to kill an hour.”

“Oh yeah, Logan’s got his little thing today or whatever,” he said with a flip of his hair as he shifted the weight of his backpack on his shoulders.

I nodded, brushing my bangs from my eyes.

“Well you could always walk home with me. My mom hasn’t gotten off work yet, and it’s a little boring to just chill at home by myself with the TV.”

“Nah,” I said as I stood up and slung my bag over my shoulder. “I don’t want to be the pathetic tag-a-long little sister, but thanks anyway.”

“Aw, come on, Sarah. It’ll be fun. Besides, I haven’t kicked your ass in Halo in quite some time,” he challenged, thrusting his hands into the pockets of his faded jeans.

With a roll of my jade eyes, I replied, “I don’t think you’ve ever ‘kicked my ass’ at Halo. I think someone needs a bit of a mind refresher.”

“Bring it,” he taunted as he inched closer to the door.

I sauntered through the now-empty row of desks ahead of me to join him by the door, my stare almost level with his. James was one of the few guys that still stood taller than me. “Oh trust me, I’ll bring it,” I said, trying my hardest to sound intimidating but failing miserably as laughter seeped into my voice.

Hanging out with James on my own for one afternoon couldn’t be that awkward, considering I’d known him since I was a little kid. But why did it feel so strange now?

James eased my mind as we walked together down the hallway, and looking back, I realize that that was the afternoon that everything began to change between us.

Though we were never anything more than friends, even at our highest point, something grew between us over the months that followed, something that made me admire him even more than I already did.

That summer, my parents split up, and unfortunately, it wasn’t exactly a clean break. My father had been involved in an affair for quite some time, and my mother had finally decided that she’d had enough of it and kicked him out. The next couple months were a whirlwind of arguments, court dates, and arranged visitation, all of which drove Logan and I to the edge of our sanities.

Though Logan and I were the ones having to go through this chaos, James was really the only one that was there for me when I needed someone.

At the time, I felt almost betrayed by my older brother, but as time went by, I realized that he was just trying to keep himself together. He just couldn’t be strong for me at that moment in time, and I forgive him for it. While I wanted so desperately to talk things out with someone, try to understand why my life was seemingly falling apart, Logan was in denial. He didn’t want to acknowledge the situation, let alone try to understand it.

James was there for me because a part of him knew what it was like, had been through the same thing except exponentially worse. At least my father had never laid a hand on me. James wasn’t lucky enough to be able to say the same.

The bond between us strengthened over that stretch of time, the only good to come out of that miserable summer. James became more to me than just one of my older brother’s friends, he became my friend as well, and I ended up confessing more to him than I ever had to most of my girlfriends. Their lives were perfect; they wouldn’t couldn’t understand.

We spent the majority of those lazy summer days sprawled out across James’s lawn, the fresh grass always a little irritating against our bare skin as we stared up at the sky, just trying to make sense of the cards we were dealt. We’d decipher shapes from the clouds and count the airplanes that darted across the clear blue sky. On rare occasions, Logan would even sit out there with us, but he never said anything, never added to the discussion. I guess a part of him just needed to get out of that house.

Logan’s escapism probably helped urge him to join James, along with two of their other friends, to the audition in Minneapolis. While it was James’s dream to become famous, Logan had also somehow gotten dragged into trying out, and through a domino fall of events, the four of them ended up getting signed to a record deal and reviving the dead concept of the boy band.

They were leaving, going to California to try this whole band thing on for size, and though Logan wasn’t completely sold on it, I still couldn’t help but feel betrayed once more, this time by both Logan and James. They got to escape to Hollywood while I was stuck here in Minnesota.

Since we lived under the same roof, I couldn’t exactly avoid Logan, but I didn’t talk to James for almost a week after I heard the news. Though I wanted to be happy that he’d finally gotten a shot at his dream, I was too absorbed in my own self-pity to see the silver lining. I didn’t get over myself until it was almost too late.

The night before the guys were scheduled to leave for Los Angeles, I found myself trudging through the snow to James’s house. We spent our last night bundled up together lying out on the stretch of roof outside his bedroom window, counting the flicker of airplanes against the night sky.