Untouched

Christofer

I didn’t feel like dealing with gym today, it’s gotten worse since people actually noticed I was in the class.

There’s the Junior Varsity football team seems to have that class with me and since I started dating Oli they seemed to notice me, and they also noticed all the scars littering my body.

They always ask questions or joke around calling me an emo fag. It bothers me, everyday having to deal with it every day having to feel ashamed of my body, ashamed of my scars and my sexuality.

I’m ashamed of myself.

Instead of being harassed by 15 and 16 year olds, I headed to the nearby lake my parents use to take me to when I was a kid.

It was better than being made fun of, better than feeling so inferior to everyone and feeling worthless. Anything was better than that.

I sat on the edge of the lake watching as the water settles calmly. Everything about the lake made me feel serene and calm. Just being here help stopped the feeling of wanting to hurt myself.

I rested my head against a tree watching the clouds slowly form into gray clouds. I didn’t even care if it was going to rain as long as all the emotions disappeared. Slowly my eyes began to slip shut and my thoughts began to mush together into insignificant nothingness. And thus, the dreams take over.

It’s cold, it’s dark and the ground is wet. But it doesn’t feel like water is below my feet, it feels thicker and the air around it smells much like copper.

It’s not water at all.

Slowly I manage to get my feet to move forward and explore the deathly territory. I can’t walk proper, my legs are shaking and there’s a tightness in my chest, I’m scared of what I’ll find or who I’ll find.

I can’t move another step, my legs give up and I fall onto the thick copper ground. I glance around and I see the crimson covering the ground slowly leading forward like a trail. I manage to get on my knee’s a crawl forward, but even that seems to be difficult.

I begin to cry because, I know how to walk I don’t understand why I need to crawl, or why I’m even crawling up the bloody trail.

I stop and look ahead of me. I’m at the end of the bloody trail and what I find is much worse, I find Oli lying on the ground dying. There is blood staining his white clothing, it’s gruesome like it’s been depicted from a horror flim.

I can’t get myself to stand and go to him, or even lift my arms to touch him. I’m too weak and it upsets me, the pain in my chest tightness and I want to cry but I can’t.

I feel so useless!

Oli’s eyes flutter a bit and he stares at me with bloodshot eyes. “Help me.” He chokes out softly.

I need to go over and help him, but I couldn’t. And all this anger and frustration begins to build up inside me to the point I feel I’m going to explode.

“Christofer.”

“Christofer?”

My eyes shoot open and I jerk up from against the tree, my eyes dart everywhere not wanting to focus on one thing.

I look around to find it’s bright and sunny out, there’s not blood underneath me but instead dirt mixing with tree branches.

“Hey.”

I look up at the person hovering over me; it’s just Oli a safe and un-hurt Oli. I felt a sob building up and I let it out as the tears fell from my eyes. Oli pulled me into his lap and held me close to his chest, “Shh.” He whispered in my ear.

“I t-thought you w-were d-dead.” I cried clinging onto the front of his chest. “I thought y-you d-died.”

Oli held me tighter, “I’m ok, nothing happened.”

I wiped at my eyes and looked up to him touching his cheek softly with the tips of my fingers. His hand went up to my cheek and he slowly leaned in and kissed my lips. He pulled away slightly, “I love you.”

I smiled, “I love you t-too.”

He rested his head on my shoulder and played with my fingers, “What was the dream about?”

I began to chew on my lip feeling the taste of copper filling my mouth, “I w-was walking and t-there was blood a-an-and y-you w-were dead a-and I c-couldn’t h-help.” I said beginning to sob mid sentence.

“Well I’m not hurt. I was just worried about you. I didn’t see you at lunch and went looking for you, I got so scared and thought something bad happened.”

“I’m s-sorry.”

“Why did you cut class?”

I looked down to my fingers and twiddled with them biting my lips again, “Because.” I mumbled my teeth still chewing at my lips.

Oli brought his hand up to my mouth, “Don’t do that.” he scolded softly.

I released my bottom lip and continued to look down at my lap, “I h-hate t-the kids i-in my g-gym class.”

“Why?”

“Never m-mind I’m o-ok.”

Oli sighed and slid me off his lap standing up the helping me up to my feet. He tangled our fingers together and lead me closer to the lake. I plopped down at the edge pulling my shoes and socks off and rolling up the end of my jeans and putting my feet in the ice cold water.

I shivered but continued to kick my feet in the water.

“You’re crazy it’s the middle of winter!” Oli exclaimed watching me from 10 feet away.

I giggled and pulled off my sweater, jeans and t-shirt. I stood up and ran up the small cliff that was about 8 feet higher than the lake.

“Don’t you dare.” Oli threatened pointing his finger at me.

I giggled and jumped off the small cliff. I felt like I was flying for a few seconds, then my body crashed into the lake. The water was cold, super cold but it felt so good. It made me feel alive, as odd as that may sound.

I poked my head from out of the water and looked at Oli as he stood on the safety of the ground his mouth hanging open in disbelief. I giggled and began to float on my back staring up at the gray sky above me.

“Christofer you’ll get sick!” Oli called out after me.

I looked over at him as saw him stripping from his clothes as well. He slowly placed his toe in the water and jumped back. “Fuck, its cold.” He screamed. His arms were curled around his torso and his body was shaking. “H-how c-could y-you stand t-that.” he asked his teeth chattering.

“C-come in.” I called after him swimming closer to him.

He reached down for his shirt and slipped it on, “No it’s c-cold and I w-want to go home.”

I saw over to the cliff and got out of the water running silently over to Oli at the edge of the lake. I was merely inches away from him when he looked up with wide yes, “Chris Don’t.” he screamed as I pushed him into the lake. Both of us fell him and I giggled as he clung onto me.

“It’s f-fun.” I told him.

His teeth were chattering and he was desperately trying to get himself out of the ice cold water, but I refused to let him and held him back.

“You’ll get u-use to it.” I told him. “j-just r-relax.” I added my hands massaging his shoulders. I could feel him tense down and he was soon relaxed. “Better?” I asked kissing his neck.

He smiled and nodded “Mhm.”

We both floated in the lake for awhile our arms wrapped tightly around each other torsos. It felt nice, to be in such a beautiful calm place away from everyone and anything.

Just me and my love, Oli.

“We should get out you’ll get sick.” He said begin to untangle his body from mine.

I nodded in agreement and we both swam over to our clothing. We both stepped out of the lake and the cold air hit us hard, it was windy and cold. Oli sighed, “We should at least dry off a bit.” He mumbled.

I nodded and grabbed out things heading over to the cliff. I dropped our stuff on the floor and walked to the edge of the cliff sitting down and letting my legs swing off the edge. Oli came over and sat next to me, both of us watching the dull sky contrasting with the pine green trees.

“It’s beautiful.” Oli mumbled pulling me closer to him.

“Y-you’re beautiful.” I whispered trying to hide my red cheeks. I looked up to him through my hair, he was blushing and smiling.

“You too.”



We got home later than we expected, we ended up staying until sundown. It was nice, to be alone with Oli and talking about little things. He told me a lot about his old town and the people he knew, the people he said ‘fucked up my life’.

I told him about my life, the people I’ve met. My mother and sisters, how my father was before the abuse. Leaving the lake I felt like Oli and I reached a whole new level in our relationship and that made me feel happy, it made me feel like we’re going to last.

I looked over at Oli as he slept with his mouth slightly open. I couldn’t sleep; I had too many thoughts in my head and to many emotions filling my body.

“Christofer?” I looked over to Oli, he was staring at me rubbing at his eyes. “Why aren’t you sleeping?” he asked.

“I c-can’t.”

He sat up and turned on the lamp near his bed, he leaned over and placed his hand over my forehead. “I think you have a fever.” He said. “No school for you.” He laughed laying me back down.

I giggled and cuddled into his side, “I love you.” I mumbled.

“Love you too.” He whispered in my ear as we both feel asleep.