Looking Back.
"I'll be okay."
Watching Puck play with Tommy was like seeing an entirely different person. He was innocently playful, completely soft-spoken, and genuinely smiling and laughing. It was heartbreaking and butterfly-inducing to see him be so comfortably paternal.
My mom came back from the car with the diaper supplies, relieving Puck. But instead of being happy about not having to “babysit,” his smile faltered as he walked back over to me.
“That kid loves peek-a-boo,” he commented, sitting beside me on the bench, leaning forward so that his elbows rested on his knees.
I nodded absent-mindedly. “He really likes you,” I told him, watching Tommy smile up widely at my mother. “He usually doesn’t warm up to people that quickly.”
“I’m just good with kids,” he remarked. With the way he said that, I didn’t even have to glance at him to know he was smiling again. I bit my lower lip, my eyes watering as I was reminded of the brief exchange between him and my mom earlier.
“Tommy’s never been so comfortable with a stranger before. How’d you do it?”
“I dunno, it just comes naturally.”
“What are you doing, Puck?” I asked him suddenly, solidifying my decision on the entire matter. I turned to look at him, and saw the confused expression on his face.
“Huh?”
“You don’t love me.” It was a statement of fact. “You may have feelings for me, but they’re not that strong,” I told him, a weak, shaky smile on my lips.
“That’s not true,” he started to protest.
“You still love them.”
“Them?” The confusion remained, obviously not following my train of thought.
“Quinn. And Beth,” I answered. Puck’s mouth was open to object again, but no words were spoken. He leaned back, letting out a defeated sigh. The breath I didn’t know I was holding escaped past my lips, too. I knew I was the only person, aside from Quinn, who could mention Beth around Puck and not get him mad.
He broke the silence that fell over us. “How did you know?”
“When you let me use your computer when my laptop broke. I went through your iTunes out of curiosity, and saw that Beth had the most plays,” I told him. “I thought it was me being presumptuous about it, at first. But then I noticed how you act when you are reminded of her. The way you look at Quinn when you think I don’t notice. How you acted and the way your entire demeanor changed when you told me about Beth. And then you came over, and played with Tommy.” I looked down at my open palms in my lap, where the tears that I’d been trying to hold in were beginning to fall. “The way he’s so happy around you…I always imagined that’s how he’d be around my dad, if he was here. Like he knows that you’re a father, too. You want your child, and he wants his dad. It’s as if the connection is just..there.”
I felt Puck’s hand rubbing my back, his touch gentle and caring, in contrast to the usual roughness and passion. I took a shaky deep breath, my voice quivering despite my best efforts to make it even.
“Quit wasting your time with me, Puck. Every moment spent on me is a moment you could be using to be happy again.”
I turned around to see his reaction. He was gazing at me thoughtfully, contemplating my words. “What about you?”
“I love you, Puck. But I’m not in love with you.” I gave him my best half-hearted smile. “I’ll be okay.”
He hesitated. But then he leaned in, pausing as his nose touched mine. I saved us both the pain and I moved, pressing my lips to his cheek.
After another moment of uncertainty, Puck stood up. He looked at me, still obviously not sure of what he should do. “Go,” I said softly. “It’ll be okay.”
Nodding, he left without a word, believing mine.
And for a moment, I did, too.
My mom came back from the car with the diaper supplies, relieving Puck. But instead of being happy about not having to “babysit,” his smile faltered as he walked back over to me.
“That kid loves peek-a-boo,” he commented, sitting beside me on the bench, leaning forward so that his elbows rested on his knees.
I nodded absent-mindedly. “He really likes you,” I told him, watching Tommy smile up widely at my mother. “He usually doesn’t warm up to people that quickly.”
“I’m just good with kids,” he remarked. With the way he said that, I didn’t even have to glance at him to know he was smiling again. I bit my lower lip, my eyes watering as I was reminded of the brief exchange between him and my mom earlier.
“Tommy’s never been so comfortable with a stranger before. How’d you do it?”
“I dunno, it just comes naturally.”
“What are you doing, Puck?” I asked him suddenly, solidifying my decision on the entire matter. I turned to look at him, and saw the confused expression on his face.
“Huh?”
“You don’t love me.” It was a statement of fact. “You may have feelings for me, but they’re not that strong,” I told him, a weak, shaky smile on my lips.
“That’s not true,” he started to protest.
“You still love them.”
“Them?” The confusion remained, obviously not following my train of thought.
“Quinn. And Beth,” I answered. Puck’s mouth was open to object again, but no words were spoken. He leaned back, letting out a defeated sigh. The breath I didn’t know I was holding escaped past my lips, too. I knew I was the only person, aside from Quinn, who could mention Beth around Puck and not get him mad.
He broke the silence that fell over us. “How did you know?”
“When you let me use your computer when my laptop broke. I went through your iTunes out of curiosity, and saw that Beth had the most plays,” I told him. “I thought it was me being presumptuous about it, at first. But then I noticed how you act when you are reminded of her. The way you look at Quinn when you think I don’t notice. How you acted and the way your entire demeanor changed when you told me about Beth. And then you came over, and played with Tommy.” I looked down at my open palms in my lap, where the tears that I’d been trying to hold in were beginning to fall. “The way he’s so happy around you…I always imagined that’s how he’d be around my dad, if he was here. Like he knows that you’re a father, too. You want your child, and he wants his dad. It’s as if the connection is just..there.”
I felt Puck’s hand rubbing my back, his touch gentle and caring, in contrast to the usual roughness and passion. I took a shaky deep breath, my voice quivering despite my best efforts to make it even.
“Quit wasting your time with me, Puck. Every moment spent on me is a moment you could be using to be happy again.”
I turned around to see his reaction. He was gazing at me thoughtfully, contemplating my words. “What about you?”
“I love you, Puck. But I’m not in love with you.” I gave him my best half-hearted smile. “I’ll be okay.”
He hesitated. But then he leaned in, pausing as his nose touched mine. I saved us both the pain and I moved, pressing my lips to his cheek.
After another moment of uncertainty, Puck stood up. He looked at me, still obviously not sure of what he should do. “Go,” I said softly. “It’ll be okay.”
Nodding, he left without a word, believing mine.
And for a moment, I did, too.